Self-Awareness | Mindfulness

How to Stop Expecting Validation and Start Believing You Are Worthy

Stop seeing yourself through the lenses of others, but rather through the eyes of your heart.

When you grow up in a family where your emotions are constantly invalidated, neglected, and abused in some way. You find yourself in a cycle of seeking validation from the same person that constantly invalidates you.

You never give yourself permission to love yourself until you get loved by the person that doesn’t love you, yet, doesn’t miss the opportunity to invalidate you any chance they get.

One of my friends was telling me how she went on a date and she was feeling invalidated. The guy was doing things that made her feel unworthy and she was triggered. A part of her wanted to walk out on the guy, but the other side just seat there and listened as the politely tore her bridges piece by piece.

How do you know when someone is taking your feelings for granted?

No one likes to be validated. When you are told your feelings do not matter, or that you are being too dramatic, and you worry over insensitive things, you begin to believe it. And as you doubt your worth, it gets depressing over time.

You have low self-esteem, which affects various other aspects of your life. You feel dejected and low, unable to focus, which can destroy your creativity.

Being in a relationship with a partner who invalidates you is uncomfortable and scary. You can’t share your opinion with them. It is very difficult for a relationship like this to thrive and ultimately, this can lead to a major breakup.

Invalidation can be traumatic. It compromises the sense of existence and self-esteem, leading to feelings of anger, shame, guilt, and worthlessness.

You can take steps to avoid the pain and failure you feel when you feel rejected.

Instead of waiting to be validated, start believing your feelings are worthy and enough

Sometimes the trigger we feel when we are being invalidated is our inner child screaming at us to “please make a change,” to stand up for ourselves and say “you are invalidating me. You are disrespecting me and what you are saying is rude.” But we don’t speak up because we are afraid we might gaslight ourselves.

Invalidation can be confused with gaslighting as both forms of emotional abuse involved making the victim seem crazy and mentally unstable. However, invalidation means denying, discounting, or downplaying a person’s feelings and experiences over a period of time.

Being invalidated makes you feel alone, helpless, and unworthy. And when invalidation carries on for too long, it can lead to depression, self-loathing, and PTSD. If you feel you are being invalidated, here are two tips to help you overcome feeling unworthy.

Take a closer look at your relationship history

If you look deeply you will notice there has been some history of invalidation in your last relationship.

When we are raised in a toxic family, our brain easily stores the behaviors from our past relationships and reflects that in subsequent relationships. We mirror the same toxic behavior and end up in a circle of neglect, frustration, and confusion.

It’s always helpful to reflect within and assess what you may be doing to contribute to the negative situation. If you have to write things down so that you remember how they happened or what was said, do that.

Once you address a situation with someone who has hurt you it’s easy to get flustered so remain calm and confident in what you know is true.

Stop seeking validation from the person invalidating you

Invalidation is the exact opposite of being seen and understood. It’s when others minimize your emotions because they lack the time or insight to understand you and your emotions.

Sometimes people don’t even realize they’re invalidating your feelings, they just say or do things without taking the time to really think about what you’re saying, or they’re preoccupied with their own issues.

But when people intentionally invalidate you, they take away your power, your confidence, and your shine. This makes it difficult for you to trust your perception and feelings, keeping you in an unhealthy relationship.

Your self-worth comes from self-understanding, self-love, and self-acceptance. When you feel unworthy, remind yourself of your awesome qualities. Remember, that everyone is deserving of love and respect, and you are no different from others.

Self-worth comes from within, and you won’t find it in someone no matter how badly you want their approval of you. You alone are the most significant factor in how you feel about yourself, your life, and about your circumstances. And that is essentially where your personal power comes from.

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