Sex Should Be Your World of Self-discovery and Pleasure

Go beyond the physical pleasure and (re)discover yourself

Since I’ve started dating Mr P., I’ve had lots of “first-times”. With him, I discovered that I am a kinkster; with him, I lost my embarrassment, and I learned how to talk openly about sex, no matter what the topic, but mainly about my desires and curiosities. With him, I explore sexuality in a way I never did before: I’m daring and curious. I’m hunger.

It was with Mr P. that I discovered the marvellous world of BDSM. I knew its existence; I heard about it, but the input I had was on a basic level; with the pain factor always enhanced.

Yes, sadistic practices can be painful, but they can also be pleasurably painful. BDSM is what you do with it: there are no rules apart from your own, there are no boundaries besides yours.

I have a low threshold for pain, so when Mr P. showed me for the first time his sex toy collection — that included whips, floggers and paddles — I had a mixed reaction. The (undiscovered) kinkster in me smiled from ear to ear; I touched and felt the material of each of the toys, imagining how they would feel on me. At the same time, the “I hate pain” me, was rationalising the moment and pulling me away from it. The kinkster won.

I still have a lot to discover and experiment in BDSM. I want to see more, to feel more, to do more. I want to go to a sex dungeon, and sex-positive clubs and parties, I want to feel the dynamic of a swingers’ club, to go to fetish festivals and parties. I want it all and, at the moment, all of it’s inexistent.

Until the world opens its doors again and London comes back to what it was (if that ever happens), Mr P. and I will keep doing the best for our sex lives - in private, with our own resources. But this is me.

You are who you are, and your sexual desires and preferences are exclusively yours. In consensual sex, there is no right or wrong. Only choices.

One personality trait I admire in myself is my curiosity. My mind is always eager for extra information; I want to know things, to understand the reasons behind people’s decisions and actions. I want to know what else is “out there”.

My curiosity works as a propellant: it makes me experiment, even if sometimes the thing that’s waving at me might seem unappealing.

Knowing that I hardly say no, Mr P. got used in replacing the sentence “can we try [whatever delicious sexual treat he has in mind]?” for actions. Now, he buys sex toys without telling me and surprises me with them. Instead of asking me if I’m in the mood for wax play or electrosex, he says, “tonight, be ready.” If I’m not in the mood, it won’t happen, of course.

Having been married for thirteen years, I know what routine and boredom can do to a relationship. It’s part of life.

I’m not naïve in believing that if Mr P. and I stay together, our lives will always be thrilling and full of fun. Life doesn’t work like that — problems get in the way, stress is corrosive, and routine can be a bitch. But don’t focus on the negatives of life. There’s always an oxygen bubble for you to get a new catch of breath; to have an impulse for the day or the week ahead.

For me, that oxygen bubble has been sex. Not only for the pleasure itself but also for the effect that had on me, as a woman.

Through sex, I’ve discovered myself

I’ve always had a forceful personality. I take shit from no one, and I live my life according to my rules. I've always had positive self-esteem, and since a kid, I was very self-confident.

Reading the sentence above, you might think I didn’t have much to work on; that I was happy about who I was. You’re right, I was. But now, I am even more.

Since I embraced my true sexual self, I feel more empowered and fulfilled than ever. I feel more feminine and more in touch with my sensuality.

Once I embraced the fact that I am a kinkster; that I am a submissive; that, sometimes switching roles and becoming a dominator, I have immense, powerful pleasure in it. I became the most honest version of myself.

Sex made me achieve my best self. Trough sex, I discovered who I really am: sexually, as a woman and a person.

Explore your sexuality and let it uncover your true self

Sex isn’t the answer to everything, but it has a damn positive impact on people’s lives.

Sex is a connection. Not only between two (or more) bodies but with yourself. And this can only be good for you, wouldn’t you agree?

My sexual path is my own, as yours will be your own, but some steps will make your self-discovery more pleasurable and effective:

1. Learn about your body

Masturbation is the ideal way to get intimate with yourself, to know your pleasure points, to learn how and where you like to be touched; how your orgasms works and what triggers them.

Also, knowing and accepting your body as it is it’s a valuable step in your sexual discovery path.

If you’re in denial, in non-acceptance of how you look, hardly you will share your naked body with a naked mind. The latter being the key element for a pleasurable sexual encounter.

I’ve never met a woman that stated she is completely happy with her looks. There is always something we would like to have different. There is nothing wrong with that — not if you are realistic and accept the bits you can’t change. They are part of you; they make you. Embrace them, without hiding. Everybody has imperfections. How boring would the world be if we were all perfect?

Look at your naked body and make a realistic (and healthy) plan to change what you can change. The rest accept it as part of you and learn to include it in the pleasure.

2. Question yourself about your sexual preferences

All my adulthood, I knew that I wanted something different from sex. I had a pleasurable sex life, but not pleasurable enough. I had orgasms, and I enjoyed sex. But I knew something was missing.

It was only after dating Mr P. that I discovered what it was: the impact play, the experimenting, the borderline sensations.

In the beginning, I blamed myself for never explored deeper my needs, to have settled with my “good enough” sex life. I don’t do it anymore; there’s no point in self-blaming. I live for the present, and that one is fucking amazing.

However, if I could go back in time, I would ask myself: “what do you think is missing in your sex life?”. And then I would find ways to make it happen. And this is my advice to you: find out what sex you desire and make it happen.

3. Don’t allow social, moral or religious values to get in the way of your pleasure

This doesn’t apply to me, but I know that there are plenty of people that won’t follow their deepest (and real) desires because of moral or religious values and social pressures. As much as I respect personal believes, if they stop you from being truly happy — which you will never be if you don’t live in honesty— you should question them. And yes, maybe go against them.

For example, Mr P. loves anal play, and I admire him for always talk openly about it. My experience is that most men don’t, fearing that a specific sexual preference might induce others to think they are “less man” or they are gay.

I used the example of anal play in man as I could use so many others: each religion, society or groups condemn or set a negative connotation to different sexual practices.

Only illegal, immoral (usually one linked to the other), and non-consensual sexual practises are forbidden; all the rest should be practised free of external pressures.

4. Accept yourself as you are and feed your pleasures

Either being a vanilla person, or the kinkster of the kinksters; living in monogamy or only feeling happy in polyamory relationships, don’t you ever compare yourself with anybody else. You are unique.

Learn about who you truly are and accept it. Then feed your pleasures, with no mercy or apologies.

5. You’re never too old to explore your sexuality

I’ve read wonderful pieces of women in their fifties that are living the best sexual phase of their lives. Mr P., who was a swinger, said he met powerful self-confident women in the clubs, some in their sixties or seventies; having fun and fulfilled sex.

Sex is never about age — it’s merely about pleasure.

Don’t let numbers pull you back; never think “I’m too old for that.” You’re not; no one is.

6. Explore external sources of information

After experimenting a (spectacular) spanking session and felt its anti-stress power, I had to read more about it, as I did about other sexual topics. Information is power, that is an undeniable truth.

Since I got in touch with the BDSM world; I wanted to learn more about it, I wished to deconstruct the wrong idea I had about it. That research led me to another and another.

Reading about sex topics is part of my routine. Obviously, as a sex blogger, it couldn't be different, but even if I weren’t, I’d still reach out for information. I want to learn more, to know more; I wish to be a better lover and to be aware of the numerous ways of manifesting sexuality.

There are many ways for you to access relevant and trustworthy information: here on Medium, you find amazing and knowledgeable writers. There are also books, websites and podcasts.

Information is available: go and get it.

You are a sexual worthing being. No one should feel sexually unsatisfied or incomplete. Sexuality is part of our physical and mental health; we should start treating it as so.

There are no guidelines nor a set of rules in what sex regards. As long as it’s consensual, safe and sane, everything goes.

Your sex life concerns no one but yourself. Shaming others due to their sexual choices or lifestyle is disgusting and if you’re a target, make sure to raise your head high and ignore those people. Raise your voice — not in your defence, but in defence of your liberty, of every women’s sexual liberty, as Julia Beaudett did on her piece I was slut-shamed by a fellow writer for posting half-naked pictures online.

Your sexuality is a journey, one you should live free of pressures and negative energies.

Finding your sexual self will open so many doors for you. It will do wonders in your self-esteem and confidence. It will offer you physical pleasures as you never had before, and mental ones that you didn’t even know existed.

Sex should be your world of self-discovery and pleasure. If it’s not, why not make it happen?

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