Sex Advice to My Younger Self

5 things that made me achieve a fulfilled sex life (and I wish I had learned earlier.)

I first had sex when I was 18 years old. Until then, I knew nothing about sex — I grew up in a pre-internet era, and my parents never talked to me about the topic. I can’t even remember the word “sex” being said aloud in my family. I also had no easy access to female magazines — which were very limited. I grew up knowing nothing about sex. However, with internet and globalisation, only those who didn’t look didn’t have answers. Meaning: I could have done more for my sexual life much earlier than I did.

When I became sexually active, I had some sexual partners before I married to my thirteen years husband. After the divorce, I also had several sexual partners. My sex life was always good, but I always felt that it could be better — and that was on me, I knew it. However, I was never able to identify what was missing.

Today, that I have a fulfilled sex life (finally!), I would be able to teach my younger self a few precious lessons. This is what I would tell her:

How to Improve Your Sex Life

You own your sex life; you own your orgasms (with or without a partner.) So, it’s up to you to create a satisfying sex life. Here’s how to achieve it:

Masturbate

Masturbation has several physical health benefits: reduces stress, relieves pain, among other benefits. But, for me, the major benefit of masturbation was learning about my body intimately, to explore my vulva and knowing how I like my clit to be stimulated.

Until I adopted masturbation as a routine in my life, I only achieved orgasm in partnered sex if he went down on me, fingering me at the same time. It was through masturbation that I learned my sweet points and my “style”, and then, I started to have orgasms besides through oral sex.

This achievement didn’t come on its own; I had to learn to communicate my preferences.

Talk to your partner

Another advice I would give to my younger self would be: talk with your sexual partner!

Despite being an extrovert, in what sex concerns, I was always the opposite. I have fun; I explore positions, I have an open mind and all. But I never communicated with my sexual partners about my preferences or what I’d like them to do.

Now, I’m changed. I deserve orgasms! Sex isn’t about them, of course, but if I can have them why, shouldn’t I? So, I let go of my restraints and started to tell my lover what I’d like him to do. I can either tell him at the moment, or I can say to him after sex that I loved when he did something (or that next time we do it, I’d like him to try “this”.)

I’m in a relationship with Mr P., and he is very good at talking about sex — that, of course, helped me to also talk openly about my desires and needs. Either way, I learned my lesson. I would send a message through a time capsule to my young self telling her: let your lover know what and how you like it!

Use sex toys

Again, out of embarrassment, I never added sex toys to the fun. I always wanted to, but I never knew how to bring the subject up with my lovers. This is the thing I regret the most, to be honest. My sex life doesn’t depend on sex toys, but it improved a million times since I started using them.

Today, I’d say to my younger self: lose the fucking nonsense of embarrassment and just add a vibrator to the fun, will you? Oh, and while you’re at it, bring the cuffs, the butt plug, the nipple clamps, the flogs…

Definitely, I should have explored the pleasure of sex toys earlier. The same way as the next topic:

Explore sensual play

I always craved for more in sex. I couldn’t say what it was, something was missing. Even with orgasms, fun and loving sex, most of the times, I felt an empty space. I craved for a raw, intense sensation; a borderline feeling.

Unlike with the sex toys — I knew I wanted to try them — I had no idea of how to fulfil this hunger I had. I was truly in the dark about my true sexual nature.

It was only with Mr P. that I finally understood what was missing in my sex life. With him, I learned about kink sex; I started exploring the pleasure hidden in pain. Mr P. is offering the most incredible and deep sensations I ever had in my life. When he cuffs me to the bed and flogs my body, when he turns me and spank me until his fingerprints colour my ass, or pin my arms over my head and passionately kiss and bite my neck, he is offering me what I craved all my adult life: intense, carnal pleasure.

To my young self, I’d tell her: you are not made of vanilla. Yes, you love it, and it will always be part of your sex life, but you won’t be complete until you embrace your true self: you are kink.

Explore other ways of sexuality

I’d also say to my younger self to explore her sexuality. Not only with her regular partner (I’m still to try a threesome, and sex with a woman) but to have different experiences besides sex indoors. Sex outdoors is exciting, the thrill of being caught, and the change of scenario spices up the encounter.

Also, I’ll tell her to try sex phone, as a fun sexual experience and a way to improve her sex talk. I’d tell her not to be afraid or shame, to let go of her restraints and satisfy any fantasy she has.

Watch porn

To be fair to my younger self, I didn’t have porn available at the time (no internet, remember?) But when it became accessible, it never spiked my curiosity. Until the day I tried: it did wonders to my sex life.

I often masturbate watching porn, but that’s not the main reason I’d tell my younger self to watch it. The main reason is: you learn so much!

With porn, I learned how to give delicious blowjobs; I learned a few techniques to improve my handjobs and, finally and the best: I learned amazing fucking positions, that, unless my partner knew them, I would never have tried them.

Mr P. and I already spoke about watching porn together; I’m excited about the idea (literally); I know it will be a great experience, for both. For now, I keep watching solo and learning a few more tricks to increase my pleasure.

Sexual pleasure shouldn’t be neglected. Either is solo or partnered, you are entitled to the best. However, from my experience, you won’t get there on your own. You need a compatible sexual partner, and you need to explore by yourself the pleasures of sex: by knowing your body, by exploring alternatives like toys or soft/hard kink sex and being self-taught.

Sex is an essential part of your life and your self-realisation. Live it in full. Don’t be like me that is sending messages to my younger self, enjoy it now!

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