He Loves the Swingers Lifestyle But I’m Not Sure If I Will
In the end, you should value what’s truly important: the relationship.
Today I had a fascinating conversation with Mr P., about the possibility we will never adopt a swingers lifestyle, as he did, in his past. We talked about it before, but today we had more time to do it. What better conversation to have during a lovely sunny picnic than talking about kinks?
Mr P. used to be in the swingers lifestyle; he lived it for years with his ex-wife, and he never went back to it since the divorce. We were into our relationship for less than one month when I first asked him if he didn’t miss it. Or, more precisely, if he wouldn’t miss it if he’d never go back to it. His answer was lovely: he said that if you love someone, you adjust to them. So if he fell in love with a woman that isn’t into the lifestyle, he would be fine without it.
Time passed, and we got to know each other much better. Also, during that time, we’ve been satisfying each other’s kinks — up until now, there is nothing that the other likes that we don’t happily go with it. He knows his kinks very well, of course, but I was a virgin in the matter: together, we’ve been exploring my preferences and allowing my kinks to come to the surface. I’m loving the process, it’s a unique time in my life!
Before Mr P., I was a vanilla woman, I’ve never had rough sex, I‘ve never used sex toys in partnered sex; I wasn’t aware I was a kinkster. All I knew was that something was missing in my sex life — what, I had no idea. I only knew I wanted more, I wanted different. It was Mr P. who showed me what. It was with him that I found my real sexual self. For that, no matter what happens in the future, I will always be grateful.
Obviously, the merit doesn’t rely all on Mr P. but on me, for allowing myself to stop repressing my desires, to stop overthinking, to impeding my inhibitions to take control of my sex life. He was a means, but an important one. It’s due to his posture and the way he’s devoted and caring about us, that made me feel safe and very comfortable entering through the door he opened to me.
Today, laying down on the picnic blanket, under a bright blue sky and with the sun shining over our faces, I asked him again about the lifestyle. I know for sure he will never ask me to do anything I’m not comfortable with; as I know he will be happy if, in the end, I will never do it. We have so much as it is. Even so, I’m afraid I could eliminate from his life an important part of him. Do not interpret this statement as me saying I would do it for him — that would never happen.
Even when Mr P. says he will be happy without ever going back to the lifestyle, every time he talks about it, there’s a special brightness in his eyes, he talks about it with passion, with belonging. If it was me, perhaps I wouldn't want to lose something I’m so passionate about. But he also said that he never even though he would ever have another kinsker woman in his life again, and one as curious and open-minded as I am; so I guess he has a point there. He is happy with me; I know that from my heart. Even so, how would you cope with the feeling that you’re depriving your partner of living something they love?
I’ve read a lot about the swingers lifestyle, so I am aware of the dynamics. The most important thing is that you need to be sure you want to do it. You can’t unsee what you saw! Also, you should only do it if you have a solid relationship. As much as Mr P. and I are in a very good place and we seem to be firm and to last, we are still a fresh couple: swingers lifestyle would never happen in the near future.
However, being curious as I am, I want to go to a club, of course. We’re just waiting for life to return to its normality (as much as possible) to go to one. Merely as visitors, for me to see and feel the place. “It all starts like that”, he said. I will not put any pressure on myself, nor will I feel any from him, that I am sure. I am free to do what I want, and no matter how I feel, it will be validated, understood and accepted.
Communication is the key to any relationship, and I am very happy that Mr P. and I are very good at it. We always had open, honest conversations. We talk about everything, without judgments, without shame.
Every time he tells me a new thing he did in his past, as a kinkster, he goes silent. He looks me into my eyes, seeming to be holding his breath, not saying another word until I react. It’s sweet and funny, and as much as he knows that I won’t judge or be “scared”, he still reacts that way.
I don’t care about what he has experimented; I’m glad he did; everybody should chase their pleasures! But he still gets a bit anxious telling me about it, maybe afraid that I’d think less about him. I won’t. I’m a true believer that as long as if it’s safe and consensual, one must satisfy their sexual desires. I might not understand some kinks (not the case with Mr P., so far all good), but it’s not my place to understand or accept other people’s kinks or life choices. I worry about my life only.
I love to satisfy Mr P., and he loves to please me; our sex life gravitates this way, and it’s working marvellously. He has his kinks that I’m getting to know and going along with them, and we’re learning about mine, together. Besides our sex life being fantastic, we, as a couple, are doing great. We are felling in love with each other (or are in love, whatever), we are mind liked, we have the same posture about life, friends and jobs. We are happy together. So, in a way, I’m not over-worried if I will be depriving him of the lifestyle (if I will be doing that), we have so many good things to do together.
To be honest, I don’t think I have the swingers gene in me, but it’s impossible to say it for sure. I don’t mind, for example, if Mr P. looks to other women, I was like that with all my partners; I’m not a jealous person. And I trust him, very very much. He can look away, have some visual pleasure. I do the same. We are dating, we are together, but we aren’t blind. However, seeing him looking at a woman’s ass or even flirting with someone is one thing; seeing him having sex with another woman is another one, so different!
As he keeps saying: “it’s not about me having sex with another woman. Swingers it’s a team game: it’s the couple, together, living the experience.” I understand the theory, I do. But I’ve never experienced anything similar, not even close. My mind says I would not be okay with it, but only time will tell.
One thing is reassuring: no matter my decision, Mr P. made his choice. Even him liking the lifestyle a lot, he will be happy never going back to it, for the sake of our relationship. That tells me a lot.
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