My Orgasmless Kink Sex Is Better Than My Orgasmed Vanilla Sex

Science explains it

Since I embraced my kink side, I’ve been having the best sex of my life. Being Mr P. a kinkster himself (he’s into BDSM and is introducing me to this diverse and intense world), we’ve been exploring each other in profound, sensorial and exciting ways.

During sex, Mr P. and I usually add sex toys to the fun, like the magic wander vibrator, anal beads, pinwheels and several impact play instruments.

Yesterday, after two rounds of vanilla sex, Mr P. cuffed me to the bed, face down, and made my world rock. He chose my favourite sex toy to put me us the mood: himself. He used his hands to spank me, his teeth to bite me and his tongue and lips to kiss, suck and lick me.

I don’t know how long Mr P. and I spent in bed, with him flogging me, and spanking me; with a few pauses where he laid his naked body over mine, rubbing his skin in mine; biting my shoulder and kissing and sucking my neck. Then, he’d go back to my full-body, offering me an extremely sensorial experience.

I was ecstatic in pleasure. I didn’t orgasm from that scene; however, I felt more fulfilled and satisfied than with my previous orgasm during our vanilla sex.

I love to be with Mr P., either in vanilla or rough sex, but what I came to realise the last months is that I get more pleasure from rough sex (being spanked and flogged) even without an orgasm, than from vanilla sex, with an orgasm. There are different reasons for me to say that — why I prefer BDSM to vanilla — one of them being: the pleasure I get from rough sex lingers in my body for hours and hours.

Having Mr P. grabbing my flesh in his hands, having him savouring me with a carnal hunger; his hand spanking my ass with an intensity that echoes through the room, and flogging me with such desire, is the most sensual experience I’ve ever had.

Yesterday, feeling Mr P.’s hunger, him fucking me from behind, pulling my hair while bitting the back of my neck, was absolutely amazing. The after-sex sensation stayed in me for hours. That never happened with a vanilla sex orgasm, no matter how intense it is.

Sometimes, after having vanilla sex, I have an involving, calm and empathetic mood for a while. But I feel that has more to do with me feeling good and happy with Mr P., it’s about me in relation to him. After rough sex, I have a pleasurable, relaxing wellbeing sensation; it’s more about me. Never excluding him from me, of course.

The positive effects of rough sex are long-lasting, even if I don’t achieve orgasm. And if I do, it’s much stronger (but that is another topic.)

Yesterday I left Mr P.’s house in heightened sensory awareness; my mind was calm and sharp, aware of what was happening in my body; every one of my muscles were relaxed.

After I de-escalated from the blissful sensation, I turned my laptop and started researching on the topic.

As a kinkster sex blogger, with a curious mind and an increased interest in the science behind the BDSM practices, I had to understand why my orgasmless kink sex was more pleasurable than my vanilla orgastic sex.

I found answers, and not only my research showed me that the way I feel is common in the BDSM community as it has scientific data to back it up.

Why my orgasmless kink sex feels better than vanilla orgastic sex

I need to clarify that I’m not stating that my kink sex- with or without orgasm — is always more pleasurable than my vanilla sex. However, if I had to choose one style, I would no doubt choose kink sex, precisely because of the way it makes me feel; not only in the moment but after as well. I don't get that with vanilla sex. As I don’t get the intense physical pleasure.

Science as answers to explain why I feel the way I do:

BDSM is a stress reliever

In a BDSM session, where there is a power exchange, the roles are clear: there is a dominator and a submissive. Figuratively**, the dominator holds power over the submissive.

When Mr P. cuffs me to the bed or tells me not to move, I immediately have a sensation of relief. Often, while waiting for him to arrange the toys (making me build up the expectation), I have a real feeling of weight abandoning my body; my breathing becomes immediately more relaxed. I’m getting ready to let go; I’m giving him the full control. Then, when we start the BDSM scene; when my pleasure is triggered and mixed with pain, that’s when my emotions escalate into an entirely new level — I achieve a blissful sensation as I don’t achieve in any other situation.

Science explains it:

During the [sadomasochist] scenes, cortisol rose significantly for participants who were bound, receiving stimulation (…) Female participants who were bound, receiving stimulation, and following orders also showed increases in testosterone during the scenes. Thereafter, participants who reported that their SM [sadomasochist] activities went well showed reductions in physiological stress (cortisol) — Source

Cortisol, often called the stress hormone, is released during a stressful situation. As Sagarin evidenced in his study (above), after a sadomasochist session, the submissives showed lower levels of that hormone.

Another study, from James Ambler (2019) concluded that:

The pain that comes with sadomasochistic sex may cause the brain to shunt blood flow away from this region, causing a subjectively altered state of consciousness.

With this change of blood flow in the brain, the submissives create an Altered state of consciousness; one that can improve mood and provide a sensation of stress relief.

But more than temporary — only while the BDSM scene lasts — this wellbeing can be long-lasting. Ambler confirmed the theory that “BDSM activities were associated with reductions in psychological stress and negative affect, and increases in sexual arousal.”

In another study (2013), the evidence was similar:

BDSM practitioners were less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, had higher subjective well‐being, yet were less agreeable.

I can’t vouch for the long-term effects BDSM has in my life, but I can say with no doubt, that after a BDSM scene, as a submissive, I feel completely relaxed, stress-free and with a sensation of lightness as I never experienced before.

My BDSM sessions with Mr P. can be very cathartic for me — I release tensions and emotions in a raw, intense, genuine and safe environment. With him, while being spanked and whipped, I simply let go of everything.

I can’t seem to be able to do this with vanilla sex, my mind will always be triggered by something external or internal. Now I understand the reason: being in a submissive role, aroused in pain, I create an altered state of consciousness.

Sex is self-expression, either kink or vanilla. For me, the most important thing is connection and safety (physical and emotional.) In sex, I always give myself to the moment; I connect with my lover and enjoy the pleasures our bodies are mutually offering. But since I started engaging in BDSM, I’ve felt a power, a pleasure and a sexual realisation as never before. And now, scientific data explained to me why.

** Figuratively because, in fact, who holds power is the submissive. The dominator will obey to the submissive boundaries and will immediately stop at their command.

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