Sex Should Be a Conversation Topic As Any Other
Often, I force myself to lie, to avoid reactions I don’t want to face.
This week, there were two separate occasions that led me to write this piece. I’d wish that, in its conclusion, I’d have answers to my frustrations and resolutions to my questions. But I won't. It’s sex I’m going to talk about, ergo, it should be whispered and not openly talked about.
The first occasion where I lied this week was during a job interview, where my interviewer asked me about my hobbies. I told him: “I’m a writer”. At that moment, I knew I had shot myself on the foot.
The next question my interviewer presented to me was the predictable one: “what do you write about?”
It never crossed my mind to answer with the truth, to tell him “I’m a sex blogger.” I applied for the job because it’s in my area of expertise; the one I’m trying to get back to (also because it’s a well-paid part-time job). I didn’t want to take any risks.
The interview could have gone in one of two ways: either he would ask me more about it, either he would change the subject, not forgetting the input I just gave him.
I lied and told him I write fiction and freelance pieces of personal development. It has a bit of truth in it.
Despite I’m an advocate of talking openly about sex, I consider there are right places and contexts to bring it up. A job interview to work for the local council is definitely not one of those.
Yet, I dream of a world where sex bloggers can come forward and speak openly about their jobs. Lots of us write under a pen name because we know how the things we write can affect negatively our personal and professional lives.
When I created this account, I also created its Twitter account. I never felt anything than a sense of community and all the interactions I receive are writing or sexual education-related.
I can’t say the same about my Facebook account. I created it a couple of weeks ago and, daily (!), I receive several messages, trying to tease me to engage in sexualised interactions. I’m not sure if this happens because I’m a sex blogger or and because I openly write about me being a kinkster and into BDSM.
Some social media users are missing a very important point here: because we write about sex doesn’t mean we are going to have (virtual) sex with our readers.
Some of us can choose to, but I hardly believe that women — sex bloggers or not — would engage and accept an impersonal invitation that comes with an unsolicited dick pic attached. Learn your manners, people.
The other occasion when I had to lie in order not to speak about sex, was yesterday when two of my co-workers included me in their joyful conversation. They asked me: “what are you going to ask your partner for Christmas present?”
My inner self started laughing and imagining all the goodies I want for Christmas. I have so much fun with my mind!
For a moment, I was tempted to tell them I want new sex toys; that I want him to take me to a dungeon. I bit my tongue when thinking about sharing that I’m going to offer him a voucher for a workshop on Shibari (a rope bondage technique). I also didn’t share that I want to buy a suit to have role-play with him. I’m still deciding on what, maybe a naughty nurse.
All of this came up into my mind before I answered: “I might ask for a pair of boots.”
I deliberately omitted a relevant piece of information: I want kinky boots; ones with very high heels, that go up into my thighs. I want to start building my Dominator wardrobe — and one can’t be a sexy, daring, confident Dom without amazing shoes and boots.
When I’m with my friends, and if the topic of sex comes up — which often does, and not initiated by me — we talk about it. With them, I feel secure; I am my true self, without shame or restraints. I love them for allowing me that.
Sex was always a common topic amongst my group of friends. It’s not like we share our sexual experiences (which we do, occasionally), but we talk openly about the subject.
Some months ago, when we went for a walk in a forest, they saw my sex marks, and they found out I’m a kinkster (I’ve only discovered myself a few weeks earlier.) With them, I felt safe to share my sexual games. I knew I would not be judged.
Since that day, sometimes one of them comes to talk to me in private, asking me about a specific sexual topic or asking my advice for a sex toy. Love this!
Today, my best friend sent me a video of a comedian joking about sex toys. She said, “I immediately thought about you, hahaha”.
With this friend, I always share my experience with a new sex toy, vanilla or kinky one; she has a blast with my stories.
But I would like to feel comfortable talking about sex not only with my friends. I’d like to feel comfortable sharing my Christmas wishes, as I’d like to feel comfortable saying aloud that I’m a sex blogger.
Writing the sentence above, I wonder if it’s all on me; if it’s me who’s causing all the discomfort. But then I recall all the pieces I’ve read about this topic, whereas other sex bloggers present their reasons to use pen names.
Our society is not prepared to deal with sexuality, no matter what form or dynamics it takes.
As I said at the beginning of this piece, I wish I had solutions for that problem. I don’t. I’m still part of the (failed) system.
Reading suggestions:
