My Friends Saw My Sex Marks; They Found Out I’m Kinky.

on the feeling of being accepted by your loved ones

I'm a very communicative person. I could say I’m an extrovert, but I’m only one when I’m with friends or in a comfortable situation; otherwise, I stay quiet in my corner. I’m not a people’s person, but I am a “my people’s” person.

I met my group of friends six years ago, a few weeks after I moved to London. We are close, and we are genuine when we are together. Meaning: we talk openly about anything, including sex. Me, more than them. I would compare us to the Sex and the City friends, me being Samantha (not with such intense and varied sex life as hers, but you got the point.) Also, there’s a man in my friend's group; he’s my friend Cat’s husband.

My friends know I'm dating Mr P., we talk about him and us as a couple; the same way each one of the group comments on their love life. I have more personal conversations usually with my best friend, M. When in a group or individually with all the other, I keep it less detailed.

Last week, we all got together for a walk and a drink after. We haven’t seen each other personally since lockdown started, so it was wonderful to be with them. Human warmth can’t be replaced by laptop screens. Our encounter was marvellous, apart from the fact it was a very hot summer day and the night before I’ve had rough sex with Mr P. Meaning, I was wearing sex marks.

Usually, we don’t mark each other in visible places, mainly because of work. But I’m on leave, and Mr P. was craving me, he had a crazy hunger for my body and my pleasure. He went carnal on my weak points — my shoulders and my neck. He bit, he kissed, he sucked, he licked… He served himself of me. Also, he loves to grab be, hard, I always get several bruises made by his grip.

In a very hot day in London, I went for a walk with my friends wearing a scarf and a light long sleeve coat. I was melting! But apart from my best friend M. no one else knows that I’ve discovered my kink side and I’m having a blast exploring it. Only she knows about my sex marks.

During our walk, without even realising I did it, I took my scarf off; I was boiling. Cat looked at me and immediately asked me, releasing a sounding laugh: “what happened to your neck?”

Even if I wanted to lie, I couldn’t: my neck had several hickeys; it was obvious what had happened. Her laughs made the others approach; my neck was the centre of the attention. At that point, I said fuck it, and I took off the jacket I had as a cover of a few bruises in my arms. I definitely got my friends attention.

I had to give them some explanation, despite being kind of obvious what happened to me. I then told them that Mr P. is into BDSM and I discovered that I loved it, that I’m exploring my kink side. When we sat at the beer garden in the pub, they asked me to talk about it.

The curious thing is that while my female friends were interested, asking questions and wanting to know “how it feels”, Peter — Cat’s husband — got defensive. He always hangs out with us, he’s used to our dynamic and conversations, he’s always up to anything. Except on this topic.

My male friend reacted so differently from my female friends! Not because of me, but for the topic itself. He came up with strange scenarios, of severe spankings and torture. I had to clarify a few bits, the main one being consent! Nothing happens in a BDSM scene that is not mutually consented.

What I realised was that no one in that table knew about BDSM, but while the girls got curious and didn’t jump into conclusions, my male friend immediately created a scenario of torture and severe sadomasochism scenes. I’m curious to know if there’s a difference in the perception men and women have of BDSM. Another topic for my research.

But back to my point: I never intended to my friends have so much information about my sex life, but now they do. I didn’t get into much detail; I chose to clarify Peter’s presumptions on BDSM. It was an interesting conversation. I love my group of friends also because of that: we dissect a topic with personal points of views and facts; and we discuss them intensely, always respecting each other’s perspectives.

I have no problem with my friends knowing I’m kink; it changes nothing.

I feel better now that my friends know about me being a kink

I’m not going to talk with them about my sexual activity, but it’s a great feeling to be accepted and be able to be genuine with your friends. Also, it's a new topic to explore (and put some light on) between us.

Since I started dating Mr P. I talk with my best friend, M., about it, not only about sex but about myself; how I feel in the relationship with him; if I’m feeling a bit confused, if I’m overthinking or the opposite. The normal stuff.

Having someone to talk you through your shit is one of the best things you have in life.

Also, M. is thrilled with the turn my sex life took. Every time I meet Mr P. she asks me if I tried a new toy, she is getting very curious about BDSM and the sex-toyland. She’s going through a very long dry spell, but she decided that when she goes back to dating, she wants to try a few things.

It feels great talking with my friend so openly.

It feels good having a safe place where I can be myself without fear of judgments.

I talk with Mr P. about BDSM and our sex life, but it’s different, it’s our thing. I like talking with a friend. Besides, it’s amazing to have her acceptance. Not that I needed, but it feels good anyway. It’s liberating and comforting.

M. and I have a strong friendship but being able to share with her this side of mine, got us even closer; we have a new topic to explore and new things to laugh about. Our trust in each other was reinforced.

Mr P. is ok with me talking with my friends about our sexual exploration and adventures. His friends know about him, he’s very frontal and has no issues at all in embracing his lifestyle. I’m not sure what I would do if he’d ask me not to talk about our sex life with no one, even with my best friend. But he didn’t ask me, so it’s all good.

I’m happy and grateful for the friends I have. I’m one that won’t be in a place or won’t engage socially with people merely for the sake of it. Either I have honest, and acceptance-based relationships or I don’t have them at all.

My friends know I’m kink. And with my best friend, I have a safe, fun and confident space to talk about it if I want. That feels spectacular.

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