Seven Simple Steps to Getting Over Your Ex

Recover, recuperate and re-structure

Getting over an ex can be one of the most challenging obstacles to overcome after ending a relationship. There are no set rules for getting over someone, but you can do things to make it easier.

In How Long Does It Take to Get Over a Breakup? It Depends, author Crystal Raypool writes that people could start feeling better quite quickly, even as soon as ten weeks.

When I separated from my ex-husband after an 18-year relationship, I wasn’t interested in meeting anyone new. I had an eight-year-old daughter to care for and a full-time job.

My priority was looking after myself and building a new life and persona as a single woman. I can’t say it was easy because it wasn’t. One thing I was sure of was that I needed to take my time.

If I got ahead of myself and tried to do much, my therapist told me to concentrate on getting through one day at a time.

If you are in the same situation and have just exited a relationship, the following may help you.

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, and I am not a therapist or counselor. I am writing about my takeaways from my own marriage breakup, hoping they may be helpful to people in the same situation. If you need professional help please see your doctor.

1. Take care of yourself

The emotions following a breakup are devastating. You must look after your emotional and physical well-being to get over your ex-husband or partner. This means that you should focus on yourself rather than distracting yourself with new relationships or significant life changes.

A new relationship is likely to knock you off course before establishing yourself as an individual in your new life.

Self-care can include your health, social life, and finances. This will help you maintain a healthy, balanced life where you feel secure.

Book in with a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate your new life if you need to. I went to therapy for a few years after my marriage broke up. At first, I went once a week and gradually reduced how often I went until I only went when I needed to.

‘Whether you’re considering individual therapy, couples therapy, family therapy, or marriage counseling, therapy can provide a safe place to explore your pain from the breakup while learning how to effectively cope with difficult emotions, build your resilience, and embrace your independence.’ — Brad Brenner, Ph.D. — How Do You Know if You Need Counseling from a Relationship that has Ended, thetherapygroupdc.com.

Takeaway: The key to a new life is self-care, and make sure you take the time to do it.

Question: What is an easy first step you can do straight away to increase your emotional and physical well-being?

Try answering the questions in a notebook and put action points for easy wins in your calendar.

2. Give yourself time

It’s natural to want to find a new partner or get back together with your ex-husband immediately after a breakup. Being newly single is lonely. But rushing into a relationship too soon can lead to mistakes and rebound relationships that hurt you and the other person.

Be kind to yourself around taking the time you want. Don’t listen if family and friends try to rush you into dating. Being single for a while is fine.

It is important to find out who you want to be in the future. Take this time to get in touch with yourself and figure out what sort of life you would like to lead.

Think of it as a sabbatical where you are re-defining yourself from the ground up.

Takeaway: You have a chance to change how you lead your life.

Question: What do you want your new life to look like?

3. Try not to dwell on the emotions associated with your break-up

Emotions such as anger, sadness, frustration, and guilt take hold of you after a divorce or break up. However, allowing these emotions to control your actions will hurt you in the long run.

Although you need to feel your feelings and process the emotions, you don’t want emotions to take over your life long-term.

If you see a therapist, they are the ideal people for advising you on what realistic boundaries look like.

Whenever you find yourself dwelling on your emotions, do something to change the pace, such as go for a walk, phone a friend, or even watch a favorite tv show. Or think about your life’s positive aspects, such as your friends and family, hobbies and job. This can disrupt the path that your mind is going down and might make you feel better.

Distracting yourself won’t always work, but it may help you feel better some of the time and start a gentle recovery.

Takeaway: If your emotions are taking hold of you too often and disrupting your life, change the pace and do something to distract yourself.

Question: What can you do to distract yourself when you feel down?

4. Get rid of your ex’s clothes and furniture

Sometimes after a split, you might still have some of your ex-husband’s belongings in your house.

Once you have moved out of the family home, it’s better that you quickly get rid of your ex’s possessions.

If you find the odd book, item of clothing, or ornament that has found its way to your new home, get rid of it quickly. You can post it to your ex, ask a friend to deliver it or put it in his mailbox.

More oversized items or too many items may be more problematic. Box up anything that doesn’t belong to you and give your ex a deadline to come and pick them up. If the deadline passes, arrange to have them delivered to his place. If he doesn’t talk to you to arrange delivery, you could leave them with a mutual friend or one of his family members.

“It’s always important to get rid of your ex’s stuff because if you’ve got it hanging around, you’re still psychologically clinging onto the past,” she says. “By getting rid of it, you create space for now, either for the relationship you’re currently in, or to get into another relationship without hanging onto what used to be.” — Jaquiline Delange, Get Rid Of The Ex’s Stuff: A Breakup Guide to Spring Cleaning, huffpost.com.

Although it might be tempting to ditch your ex’s things at the dump or damage them, that’s not a productive move and could lead to conflict. Ask yourself what the ideal version of you would do. You don’t want to be known in your circle as the woman who chopped up your ex’s suits and took his prized sports trophies to the tip.

Takeaway: Get any of your ex’s possessions out of your space as soon as you can.

Question: What things of your exes do you still have in your house or car? How can you get them back to him? Are there any other items that remind you of the relationship you would like to get rid of?

5. Spend time with friends and family

Everyone has family and friends, but if your ex still sees them, this may cause issues. If your friends and family have divided loyalties, it is tempting to avoid the people who support your ex.

However, it is healthy to confide in those who care about you and want to help you. Receiving emotional support from those closest to you reduces feelings of isolation and sadness. Continuing with your everyday routines and attending family gatherings keeps a sense of continuity.

Be kind to yourself around taking the time you want. Don’t listen if family and friends try to rush you into dating.

Doing fun things with your friends can take your mind off your troubles and cheer you up, if only for an afternoon or evening.

Takeaway: Schedule plenty of time with friends and family.

Question: What can you book with your friends or family within the next week? What sort of activity would offer you the most support?

6. Create boundaries with your ex

If you don’t have children, creating boundaries is relatively straightforward. All you have to do is decide if you want to see your ex ever again or not. If you never want to see him again, you can avoid him and block him on social media.

If your split is amicable and you are open to seeing him out, and about socially, you can decide how often, where and when you will meet. For example, you may be open to seeing him at the badminton club once a week but not at the pub with a group of friends.

If you have children, it is more complex as you will have to discuss care arrangements and anything that affects the well-being of your children. You can suggest you communicate by text or phone rather than in person and agree on some timelines on how quickly you reply to one another.

Remember to be reasonable. For example, in the case of a child’s medical emergency, you may have to see your ex in person.

But you don’t have to let your ex come into your new home or go to his house. You can say it doesn’t feel comfortable and leave it at that. You don’t have to explain your preferences.

If you see a therapist, they are the ideal people for advising you on what realistic boundaries look like.

Takeaway: Decide on what boundaries work for you and stick to them.

Question: What boundaries would you like to put in place? How will you do that? Do you need anyone to support you?

7. Take up a new hobby just for you

After a marriage breaks up, there is a loss of identity, and it takes time to build a new one. This could be a time to try everything you wanted to do, but your husband or partner didn’t.

Whether it is a different sport, dancing, or a craft, why not do it now if you have always fancied trying it?

Learning a new skill will take your mind off your emotions, get you out of the house, and you may even meet some new friends.

Make a list of all the things you have always wanted to try and pick the top three.

Don’t rush. Just having a list of ideas may be enough for now.

Takeaway: Think about some new hobbies you would like to try.

Question: What have you always wanted to try? What did you enjoy as a child? Did you give up anything because your partner didn’t want to join in?

Conclusion

We are all different, and each has our own way of recovering from a marriage breakup, so be kind to yourself about your progress.

If the following takeaways resonate with you, give them a try.

• The key to a new life is self-care. Make sure you take the time to do it.
• You have a chance to change how you lead your life.
• If your emotions are taking hold of you too often and disrupting your life, change the pace and do something to distract yourself when you feel these emotions coming on.
• Get any of your ex’s possessions out of your space as soon as you can.
• Schedule plenty of time with friends and family.
• Decide on what boundaries work for you and stick to them.
• Think about some new hobbies you would like to try.

Here are the questions…

• What is an easy first step you can do straight away to increase your emotional and physical well-being?
• What do you want your new life to look like?
• What can you do to distract yourself when you are feeling down?
• What things of your ex’s do you still have in your house or car? How can you get them back to him? Are there any other items that remind you of the relationship you would like to get rid of?
• What can you book with your friends or family within the next week? What sort of activity would offer you the most support?
• What boundaries would you like to put in place? How will you do that? Do you need anyone to support you?
• What have you always wanted to try? What did you enjoy as a child? Did you give up anything because your partner didn’t want to join in?

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional, and I am not a therapist or counselor. I am writing about my takeaways from my own marriage break up, hoping they may be helpful to people in the same situation. If you need professional help, please see your doctor.

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