Self-Help Advice You Should Never Follow
Self-improvement might be a slippery slope, but you can learn how to navigate it.
The rise of self-help books, podcasts or motivational YouTube videos has been attributed to witty anecdotes, recollections of success combined with encouraging affirmations, which turned out to be the key ingredients in the genre’s ongoing appeal.
In high school, I have stumbled upon my first self-help book, packed with rules and suggestions for one’s self-improvement. Determined to achieve success, make my parents proud and earn a lot of money, I made notes with burns on my cheeks and felt tenacious to follow each step. I perished bravely and did not even finish the reading.
Recently, I have come across notes from that times. Upon the first glance, I have caught myself feeling defensive on how commanding and terrifying those records echoed on the paper. It was not always the specific advice but the use of peculiar words, which broke my spirit. After a brief motivation and eagerness to act, all my drives fell flat.
If you have experienced similar angsts and disappointments, follow the article to paraphrase clichéd slogans into more relatable and soothing ideas.
#1. Push yourself out of the comfort zone.
I do not find the advice useless. But the choice of words carries the potential to cause an anxiety attack. Pushing implies forcing. It states that where you are is not a good place to be, needless to say, prosper.
Do not get me wrong. I am all for changes and embracing challenges as opportunities for growth. And growth is only uncomfortable because it takes us places we have never been before. However, I have learnt to appreciate small steps with time and the art of honouring my emotions. In the past, I was impatient and thirsty for immediate results. Nowadays, I find it motivating to start where I am, not necessarily diving in the deep but accommodating gradual shifts and habits.
- Don’t sit to write a book. Write a page. Once you start, ideas also begin flowing.
- Instead of waking up at 5 a.m., wake up 15 minutes earlier than usual and go from there.
- If the thought of going to a job interview feels you with dread, start sending applications to check the feedback you get. You don’t have to answer every invitation.
I particularly enjoy the idea of creating your comfort zone wherever you are. Do not fence yourself out from the world, but become actively involved in creating your reality. Find a way to make a new territory an inviting place to explore. All you need to do is change how you look at things. Just because you had unfriendly experiences, nothing stops you from perceiving them as lessons instead of victimhood.
Create your comfort outside what you already know. In whatever situation you might find yourself in, think of it as an experimental adventure or a lesson from which you get to derive expertise.
#2. Set a goal.
Or even more goals.
If you’re bored with life, if you don’t get up every morning with a burning desire to do things, you don’t have enough goals.
― Lou Holtz
Many visualization techniques prompt us to design specific goals for your future. It ranges from firmly stating the amount of money you want to earn, what kind of paint you want to use for your new house, the time frame for having your book on the New York Times bestselling list, you name it.
Setting a goal can be extremely stressful. Not everyone has it all figured out, and such a prospect is more than welcome. You do not have to strive to come up with any goal just for the sake of putting it on your vision board. You may be in the stage of discovering what makes your heart sing, and your findings do not have to be your ultimate goal, just a phase in your never-ending journey of growth.
What is more, fixating on one outcome clouds your vision to spot out alternative routes that may arise. When you adopt a tunnel vision for your endeavours, you miss chances of more prosperous potential detours which you may have never imagined. Any conditional life is a narrow life.
Overall, I find the best goal to be a feeling I want to experience, never the material thing itself. Your goal may be to feel free, to grow creatively. As long as you remain faithful to your feeling state in whatever you are doing, every action will open the doors for more of the feeling to come into your life. You do not pursue that career because it is wise, but because it gives you freedom. With that mindset, you are destined for success.
#3. Visualize what you want to achieve.
Daydreaming is awesome. Daydreaming makes you feel good. Those vivid images fill you with positive emotions like hope, confidence, excitement. In turn, those positive feelings fuel your actions. However, constantly focusing on the specific outcome of a situation cause you to miss out on the present moment.
What you are actually saying is: I am not happy where I am, so I am fixed on the lack of what potentially can make me happy. Not only, you are programming your mind on disappointment, but obsessing over your desire is a far cry from the state of being grateful. And we all know that gratitude is the primal form of receivership.
You can set an intention upon what you want to do, have or become in the future. For example, during meditation or whenever you get a quick glimpse of your dream. However, becoming obsessively focused upon your visions will get you nowhere near manifestation.
Becoming anchored in the present moment of gratitude with unshakable knowing that where you are is enough and where you are heading is unravelling at the perfect time, soothes your soul and decreases anxiety in your mind.
#4. Ask and you will be given.
For many people, asking implies not having the thing, the idea you are praying for. Desire is associated with a concept of not-enoughness. Whenever you are focusing on lack, you are not paying attention to any assets stretched at your fingertips. Whenever you are focusing on lack, you are being pulled away from the abundance laid at your feet.
Asking, or any form of prayer articulated from the place of begging will only provide you with more scarcity.
Many people are afraid of wanting anything because they do not believe in the possibility of it coming to fruition. Desire is not a bad thing in itself. It is the best and most natural feeling any being is born for. However, asking may be changed into becoming.
Become, and you will be given. Once you can feel the emotion of having your dream job, being in love, your vision can become a manifestation in the physical realm. Your ideas are supposed to fill you with peace, harmony, and joy. You do not need to ask anyone for anything, as you are powerful enough to grant it yourself by conjuring the feeling before even having it.
#5. Hard work pays off.
What images pop into your mind whenever you think about hard work? The entire premise of struggle is saturated with sacrificing your wellbeing for success.
Beware the barrenness of a busy life.
— Socrates
Becoming busy just because it appears attractive to others has become an addiction we keep up to prove our self-worth.
The belief ‘something’s gotta give’ seems omnipresent. Yet, people are happy and successful simply by following their passion without feeling like working at all. Any activity which comes from the source of joy is not daunting or off-putting. It simply becomes a blessing. Whatever you feel like being pressured into doing, it breeds guilt and the feeling of not being worthy.
We falsely cultivate the belief that if we just put our nose to the grindstone now, we will be successful in some distant future.
Do people who work extra hours, just because they believe this is what should be done, are happy? Well, at least they have more money, you might say. Does money guarantee you happiness? Do people who work physically long hours or in dire conditions are guaranteed to be successful? Hard work is always associated with financial remuneration. It leads us to believe that only financial abundance can count for happiness.
Whenever you do something out of inspiration, you will reap lucrative benefits in the form of abundance, joy, fulfilment, and peace of mind, and hard work has nothing to do with it.
First of all, you need to elevate your mental state to positive feelings and outlook on life. Then you can work (pun intended) your way up. It will not feel like work at all, but creative ideas, inspiration on what to do next.
Any effort is counterproductive. The struggle is the creation of the mind and the ego. Both relish in the idea of sacrifice and drama to achieve greatness. The struggle is the opposite of joy. When the joy thrives, ideas pop into your head. Impulses give you a nudge to step outside the door. Find what makes you feel free, happy, creative and willing to get up in the very early morning to jump at it.
#6. Read news and journals first thing in the morning.
Many people strongly emphasize the need to be up-to-date with political events, the current state of affairs in the country and the world. In the past, perhaps that could be the case to keep pace alongside competitive business owners or to maintain social interactions. Nowadays, I find sensationalized news utterly disturbing.
The thought alone of beginning my day with all the horrible and drastic headlines broadcasted all over the services fills me with dread and makes me question the reality. With the abundance of any topic on the Internet, you can selectively and sophisticatedly choose whatever suit your passion and burning interests.
It has nothing to do with ignorance but everything with your priorities: what you wish to spend your mental focus on.
Concentrating on fear and panic spread through the media coverage since the early morning will program your mood and attention span for the whole day. When commuting to work, that news will be buzzing through your mind, thus increasing your anger and frustration with events around the globe. You have no control over the narrative presented through reporters and journalists. However, you have absolute power over what your mind chooses to consume. What you think about constitutes your being.
#7. Life is hard, you need to get a thicker skin.
No, it is not. It only makes it so if your belief tricks you into thinking it.
Things are neither good nor bad, but thinking makes it so.
— William Shakespeare, Hamlet
Life is full of magnificent surprises.
Life is full of meaningful opportunities to grow.
Life is one of a hell enjoyable affair.
But it is never against us, only to serve your self-development so that you can dream bigger, aim higher. Life shapes you, and there is no need for you to get offensive, putting on armour to set yourself up for a battle.
Whenever you believe that the world is coming at you, that is precisely what you will manifest into your experience. Whenever you believe that people cheat and use you, that will become your truth.
Strengthen your self-concept: how you talk to yourself, how you treat yourself, how you think about people and the world in general. How you treat yourself will dictate how others treat you as well. Once you permanently change your self-talk, your external world conforms. The change you seek outside can only be possible through changing your internal beliefs.
I am not advocating throwing away all self-help books. I have gathered an impressive collection of such and have no intention of getting rid of them. Every book, every story serves as an inspiration. However, each piece of advice should be taken lightly. Be mindful of whatever you take in mentally. Pay attention to books you feed your subconscious with, just as you would to the food you are consuming.
Everything is at our disposal. Be a selective consumer. You wouldn’t go to a supermarket, throwing in the basket whatever is displayed in the main aisle, just because everyone is buying it. The same should be applied to any advice you are given. They may work for some, but find what feels best for you. Go with your intuition. Don’t follow blindly. Get inspired, but do not allow every piece of advice to get to you. You were meant to question and be curious about the environment you have decided to thrive in.
Everyone sees the world through a specific set of lenses. The illusion which presents itself to people is conditioned by their beliefs only. Your story is unique. Your story is just as beautiful and relevant as theirs. Your story is yours alone, and you are in control of how you tell the story by the ideas you choose to believe in.
Thank you for reading!
I write to empower and inspire with self-love. Your biggest strength lies in your authenticity, so embrace the whole package. Wear your unique attitude proudly.
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