Mr. Cawthorn Blows Up Washington
Seeking Functional Sociopath to Raise Holy Hell
Must butcher English, dual gun racks a plus
Congress members getting primaried are reassessing life goals and looking to get back to their roots — middle school assistant football coaches are pulling down $23.65/hour. And the glut of pols who land in prison can’t work remotely because prison wifi has outrageous latency, sparking a career leap to Cell Block D Laundry.
For the grease-spattered on the front lines, tired of down-shifting those fryolators, the Big Quit is crooning Carpe Diem.
Take a career swerve into politics — check out these plum listings!
US Congressional Representative— Nebraska 1st District
About the US Congress
Looking to leave a dent in the Universe — or the walls of the House Chamber? Join our club of superfluous parasites and babble self-righteous twaddle with like-minded mouth-breathing imbeciles. Whether it’s the liability of holding an elevator car for criminals seeking an abortion, or critical race theory subtexts in Uncle Remus and Brer Rabbit, our mission is to 1) maximize your kill zone first and 2) argue niceties like innocence later.
Responsibilities
- Advocate for low-income constituents by linking methamphetamine abuse to quantum theory — before Nils Bohr, Nebraskans were plenty happy with a scotch and soda
- Reduce inflation through judicious use of TikTok ridicule
- Book time with Joe Rogan to pontificate on why politicians are useless
Skills and Experience
- Twitter account with 10,000 followers, or TruthSocial account with multiple apoplectic disciples, preferably including a nest of feral church deacons
- Conversant with checks and balances of three branches of government or Cornhuskers’ starting defensive secondary
- Fourth-grade knowledge of science or history — one, not both
- Demonstrated mastery of hypocrisy, graft, and lechery with bonus points for an established track record of mendacity, or convince us you have one
School Board Members — Missionary Position, SC
About our School Board
Here in our beloved Missionary Position, Education is Job 1 — specifically, 1:1.
“In the land of Uz there lived a man whose name was Job. This man was blameless and upright; he feared God, shunned evil, and watched a lot of Newsmax.”
Our school board doesn’t ban books, we approve them. Teachers choose from an extensive library of eight approved texts, including Jeb Stuart’s Cavalry Tactics in the Peninsula Campaign and Duck Dynasty: Family, God and Guns, the anchor of our Civics class.
We welcome prospective board members of all creeds, Southern Baptist or Pentecostal, and all races — especially the 400-meter individual medley. Each board member gets a Rottweiler with an ax to grind and a SIG Sauer SIG516 assault rifle to defend their loved ones from malevolent Quakers.
Responsibilities
- Mansplain Genesis flood narrative to lefty reporters from National Geographic Kids Magazine
- Build extemporaneous bonfires, demonstrating thrift with lighter fluid
- Shut down opposition by quoting Scripture
Skills and Experience
- Proven success in Missionary Position
- Can count to 100 wearing mittens
- Fluent in ABCs, i.e., clearly articulates “l, m, n, o, p,” not “elemenopee”
Attorney General — Texas
About Texas
Texas is a huge honkin’ state that can kick the living shit out of every other state. Yes, you too California — you lefty, almond-farming, yoga-posing, silicon freak.
Texas has four ways to git ’er done:
- The smart way
- The stupid way
- The scorched-earth, muttonheaded, you’re dumber ’n pig iron way
- The Texas way
Guess which way we do in Texas!
Responsibilities
- Kick the tires on a new definition of conception that begins when “the tent is pitched”
- Sue Elon Musk for aborting a planned SpaceX rocket launch in January, sixty seconds before takeoff after a cruise ship sailed too close. Sue the cruise ship operator, the shop stewards of the labor union that built the vessel, the shuffle-board-playing passengers who should have intervened, and the Beyond-Burger-snarfing, chai-latte-sipping, Goya-Foods-cancelling, liberal Democrats who think they’re too woke for cruise ships
- Prosecute utilities that deploy solar farms for “stealing God’s good light out of the eyes of innocent Texas children”
Skills and Experience
- Up to speed on Better Call Saul through the zany meth lab hijinks and Nacho’s swan song
- Can say things like “that dog won’t hunt” without sounding like a doofus from Connecticut
- Law degree, high school debating club, or reform school equivalent
If these jobs don’t scratch your itch, position yourself for a future opening on the Supreme Court. Never read the Constitution? No problem! Cliff Notes has your six.
Thanks to Carol Lennox for editing help.
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