Cortisol Cocktail
That Which Does Not Kill Us Spikes Our Twitter
The New Martyrdom
In March, Cawthorn sparked controversy when he called Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy a “thug” and labeled the Ukrainian government “evil.” He later doubled down on the comments even after being called an “outlier” by Republican senators.
Despite the criticism hurled at him, Cawthorn has remained defiant.
“The radical left, the establishment, and the media want to take me down. Their attacks have been relentless. I won’t stop fighting. I won’t bow to the mob,” the congressman tweeted on Thursday.¹
Few people appreciate the bar you must clear to remain defiant. One can’t cavalierly claim eminent domain to such unalloyed intractability. You must get certified.
Recalcitrant, sure. Go for it. Obstreperous, balky, contumacious? 10–4. So long as you back it up.
But those are not exalted states. Not like defiance — the sweet spot of thumb-in-your-eye. To remain defiant, one must obtain an official Certificate of Defiance, as shown above for Congressman Madison Cawthorne (R-Mordor).
It’s a tough process. We consulted Flip Byrd, the founder of Pendejos Anonymous and a charter member of the Defiance Compliance Alliance, which issues the certificates.
“We’re picky. Making a stink at a PTA meeting over library fines? That dog won’t hunt. You have to stake out an utterly uncompromising stance, preferably on something heinous and despicable. Like maybe you want to stock the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool with piranha. We’re looking for a generous dollop of wide-eyed hysteria.”
We asked Byrd if Cawthorn’s application faced resistance. Byrd grinned.
“The Madman? No way! He’s a frequent flyer. We’ve certified him at least a dozen times. Also, he really impressed us on the first round. We were all set to reject his ass and told him so, but Maddog remained defiant. It was gold! Dumped a pot of Masala Chai on the committee Chair’s lap, had to call 911. Honestly, the old Madatollah’s a poster child for the program. We’ve got him doing promos on TikTok. Dude’s chasing Charli D’Amelio.”
First-time applicants must endure several rounds of fraternity-style hazing which involves nudity, maple syrup, and wild rodents. According to Byrd,
“Your garden variety defiance won’t cut it. No sir! You’ve got to remain defiant. We’re talking high tide cortisol, chin jutting like a flange, and a fanaticism that would shame Tomás de Torquemada. Cawthorne was very good, but frankly he was jello mold compared to Marjorie Taylor Greene. That woman’s colon is pure rebar.”
Once applicants are certified, reporters may refer to them as defiant, and — with a donation to the Defiance Compliance Alliance, in untraceable cryptocurrency, no not Bitcoin you simple dolt — may use the coveted phrase remained defiant, the holy grail of frowardness.
Though certification is arduous, the rewards are bountiful.
- Selective exercise of logic — amygdalae call the shots.
- Producers looking for summer blockbusters love making biopics of serial defiers, starring the likes of Shia LaBeouf and Katherine Heigl. Twitter candy!
- Cushy guest spots on Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham, and American Horror Story.
- 25% discount on mattress toppers at MyPillow (no Socialists — looking at you Bernie).
- The golden glow of righteous glory relished throughout history by paragons of defiance like Idi Amin, the Spartans of Thermopylae, and the Sex Pistols.
Readers should understand that when warriors like Madison Cawthorne remain defiant in the face of vengeful leftist mobs, it’s not just a stock turn of phrase.
It’s earned. In spades. Sometimes clubs.
States like Florida and Texas are adding Defiance to school curricula, displacing dilettantish subjects like Biology and Algebra. By the time Generation Alpha reaches adulthood, early adopters like Cawthorne will no longer be outliers. Somewhere between 20 and 40% of American adults will be certified in Defiance.
This bodes well for ensuring that the Radical Left, the Establishment, and the Media don’t take us down. Their attacks may be relentless. We won’t stop fighting.
We will never bow to the mob. Hell no. We’ll remain defiant.
At least that’s how Nate Silver’s calling it on FiveThirtyEight.
Thank you Amy Sea!
