Twofer for Elon?

Do I Hear 18.5 for the Truth, the Whole Truth, and Nothing But the Truth?

Sold for $18,500 to the gentleman with the Sig Sauer p365 and the rocket launcher!

Welcome, investors! I’m Ned Dollar, lead investment banker at Dollar Tree Capital Partners. Thank you for carving time out this morning. Let’s talk about a once-in-a-lifetime acquisition opportunity. If you want more Corn Pops, raise your hand — my assistant Jethro’s wheeling around a refill barrel on a hand truck.

As you know, Elon Musk is buying Twitter for $44 billion. When a mega-acquisition like this occurs, rival investors seek buying opportunities in the same industry.

But what’s out there? Well, TikTok. Owned by ByteDance. Valuation? $353 billion. A lot of leverage just to watch Charli D’amelio shaking her keister to music often fatal to people over 12.

The 900-pound gorilla, Facebook —< cough> Meta — tips the market cap scale north of half a trillion. Plus, there’s Zuck. Ah, Zuck. Human gum surgery, done by a malevolent bonobo clutching a multitool.

You want to look way downmarket, there’s Gab and Parler. Go to their headquarters with a buyout offer, you’ll have to snip your way through barbed wire fencing while being serenaded with pepper spray and a grenade launcher.

There’s only one viable target left in social media. Truth Social. America’s “Big Tent” social media platform encourages an open, free, and honest global conversation among everyone — as long as they’re pig-headed Caucasian bigots.

Let’s start with demographics.

Lots of upside here people!

• Mouth breathers are trending way up in the US, with year-on-year growth in double digits.
• Monster potential to spike up the rabies segment — a little bio-agent, a surreptitious night-time stroll around Lake Mead or Powell, just a hypothetical.
• No hard data, but hey, people in my neighborhood sure act like they’ve had a lobotomy. Either that or someone’s spiking their corn dogs with lead filings.

What about financial stability? No worries! Truth Social’s sitting on a hefty war chest.

Thirty-three large may not seem like a lot, but bear in mind all of the engineers bolted. They’re funding payroll out of the curse jar. The sole person left in Operations is undocumented. We’re talking minimum wage, under the table, no benefits, and if exec staff had a rough night at the poker table, she waits.

Bottom line? Truth Social’s good to go for another 6–8 weeks. Easy! That’s without factoring in the additional six bucks in ad revenue slated for next quarter.

A social media platform is only as good as its user and operational metrics. Let’s compare Twitter and Truth Social.

$44 billion for a bunch of boring tweets about climate change and preserving democracy from a guy with 139M followers? Wow. If that’s the best Twitter’s got, Cristiano Rinaldo, ranked #5, must be a total snooze-fest. Corner kicks. Seriously? I’m throwing up in my mouth here.

Truth Social’s about differentiation. Every social media platform’s got six 9s of availability. Yawn. Not Truth Social.

One 9. That’s it.

Remember what Steve Jobs said?

Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes… the ones who see things differently — they’re not fond of rules… You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the only thing you can’t do is ignore them because they change things …

That’s Truth Social. Enjoy your six 9s, square peggers. Go ahead. Vilify their one 9. You cretins.

They’re changing the world.

Of course, that number’s still aspirational. But at 72% availability, we’re talking spitting distance.

Let’s do the math. If six 9s are worth $44B, you’re talking — what — $7.3B for one 9? Would Truth Social open the kimono for $7.3B? I’d have to talk to the Board, but yeah — you’re in the ballpark. Cash is king folks.

Speaking of the Board, we’ve got a seasoned crew of canny veterans who exemplify teamwork. Super easy to negotiate with.

Let’s pop the hood and review Truth Social’s critical computational infrastructure.

• Over 2,300 lines of hardened Visual Basic code, stored on a refurbished Lenovo laptop conveniently located in the break room. While the programmers bailed long ago, the code is liberally commented. Well. Not liberally.
• Innovative use of Excel spreadsheets obviates the need for costly databases.
• Hosted by Rumble, a household name among cloud providers, as shown in your handout.

Finally, there’s leadership. As Lao Tzu wrote, “A leader is best when people barely know he exists.” That’s often said of Devin Nunes, CEO of Trump Media & Technology Group, which owns Truth Social.

“Where the fuck is Devin? Does that guy even exist?”

But Nunes is a seasoned, savvy technology executive, who has software and social media twining through his DNA. The guy’s resume looks like Jack Dorsey’s. Let’s review the highlights of his career before Truth Social.

• Began entrepreneurial career at age 14, buying seven head of cattle
• BA in Agricultural Business and an MA in Agriculture
• Farmed. Totally groks dairy. I mean totally
• Served in Congress, where he not only learned his way around a computer keyboard, but redefined the word sycophant

So that’s a wrap. But while we’re all here, since you guys know this turf, I’d love to sound you all out on valuation.

What’s that? 18? 18 billion!

Oops sorry. 18 million?

Oh. OK. Yeah, the acoustics are terrible. 18 thousand.

Alrighty then. That’s a start.

18.5?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Thanks to Greg Prince for excellent editing ideas.