🎼 I said oh-ooh-ooh-oh Domino’s 🎶

Russian Duma Moves Putin’s Office to Tiny House

Kremlin converted to Domino’s Pizza, call 1–800-KRE-MLIN

According to recent CIA intelligence, the Russian Duma has relocated President Vladimir Putin’s office from the Kremlin to a 170-square-foot “tiny house” on the edge of the Moskva River.

The Kremlin is now a Domino’s Pizza franchise, the largest in the world, except for a sprawling store under construction outside Mumbai that covers two square miles of Sanjay Gandhi National Park.

Kremlin watchers who analyze cryptic Russian moves assert the change is a subtle signal to Putin to дерьмо или слезай с горшка with the war in Ukraine. Economists counter that the move is purely an austerity measure. War has wreaked such economic havoc that Russian stores no longer stock anything beyond cassava flour, quicklime, and Milk Duds.

Putin denied the move was forced upon him.

100% my idea. Is much better office. Catch sturgeon by dropping line right out window. No more жопа kissers lurking in hallways going ‘Hey Vladie, you want bottle Beluga Gold Vodka and some nice Royal Malossol caviar?’ Catch my own damn caviar.

Domino’s is one of the few American businesses that still operate in Russia. CEO Russell Weiner was exultant about securing the Kremlin lease.

Domino’s is proud to foster stability in Europe by ensuring the steady flow of Stuffed Cheesy Bread with Bacon & Jalapeno into Muscovite bellies, keeping well-fed Russian diplomats cordial at the negotiating table. We’re just doing our part. Frankly, we’d rather have pulled out along with the other multi-national market cap bitches. Not this proud American. Service over profit!

Putin’s spanking new tiny house comes furnished with the cutting-edge amenities one expects for a leader of his stature— 100 amp electrical service, screaming 56 kb analog modem, a box of Sharpies, murphy bed, refurbished IKEA dining bench with storage compartment, Proctor Silex double burner hot plate, and an earth-friendly composting toilet which doubles as a public restroom for river strollers.

Intelligence reports have disclosed other belt-tightening strictures which Putin has ordered from his new command kiosk.

• Moonlighting as Bar Mitzvah party hosts, Bolshoi ballerinas are funding the construction of T-14 Armata tanks. Apple’s new hit comedy Cha Cha Real Smooth is apparently based on an earlier Russian film named Cha Cha настоящий гладкий.
• The Saint Petersburg Philharmonic Orchestra has been downsized to a five-piece reggae band named Nikita Ska and the Ganja Cossacks. The group is on tour now in Tehran and Qom, raising money for a new Mikoyan MiG-35 fighter jet.
• The Russian Olympic Committee is retraining its world-renowned gymnasts to dominate professional pickleball, pursuing $3 million in PPA prize money. Vladislava “Smerch” Urazova, a gymnastics gold medalist, has developed a chainsaw serve that screams in like a BM-30 Smerch projectile. Each self-propelled rocket launcher that rolls off the assembly line will be emblazoned with a picture of “Smerch” flat footing opponents with her trademark dink volley.

According to well-placed sources, Putin hit his stride in Kremlin Lite on Day One, issuing an executive order to placate Russian oligarchs by replacing their seized megayachts with surplus SB Commando MK VI kayaks.

“Nyet on the big fat yachts,” Putin later told an assembly of business leaders. “Need to start working the Pirozhki off your sedentary snack packs. Want Pravda photo of you riding bare-chested on stallion? Paddle!”

Since the Duma also sold Putin’s Arabian bay to pay for a crate of RGO frag grenades, the next photo shoot will feature Putin flaunting his six-pack atop his Shetland pony, Tangerine Jesus.

Thanks to Carol Lennox for editorial help and cheerleading.

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