SHITLIST
It Ain’t About the Bucket
Seven Differences Between Ted Cruz and a Bucket of Shit
Most people think the difference between Ted Cruz and a bucket of shit is simply the bucket. Sure, if you were to compare a bucket of shit to Ted Cruz, you’d say,
“Yep. You got Ted Cruz over here and you got your bucket of shit over there. Bucket’s only difference I can see. Got a handkerchief? I’m dying here.”
Let’s dig deeper. Which, given our reference point is a bucket of shit, I get you’re not champing to do. But, and please trust me here, it ain’t about the bucket.
There are seven crucial differences between Señor Cruz and el cubo de mierda.
- In a survey conducted by Stanford’s Graduate School of Excrement comparing the relative popularity of Cruz and buckets of shit, Cruz came out Number Two. 99% of US Senators responded that given a choice to have a working lunch meeting with Ted Cruz or a bucket of shit, they’d go with the bucket, even if the fare was sausage and refried beans. Exception, of course, was Senator Tuberville, who admitted he hasn’t met Cruz since he, Tuberville, has yet to locate the Capitol building.
- While Ted Cruz partied in Cancun during Texas’s disastrous winter storm, abundant amounts of raw sewage opted to remain in Texas. Much of this shit was sans bucket. For Texas, a shitty situation, which Cruz tried to mitigate by “being a good dad,” aka, sucking down margaritas poolside in Cancun. Kids, meet bus. Democratic insiders hinted this might provide an opening to run a bucket of shit against Cruz in the next election, even though fivethirtyeight.com shows the BoS demographic tilts heavily Republican.
- Buckets of shit don’t support right wing extremists. By contrast, Cruz said “Thank you for the incredible work you do” to Northeast Tarrant Tea Party founders, shortly after they expressed empathy for a gunman who posted a vicious rant about Hispanics and went on a shooting spree. No bucket of shit expressed support, and a few made a real stink about it. Well, all of them made a stink. As one lamented, “just offal, terrible waste.”
- OK, ok, the bucket. Sheesh.
- Buckets of shit don’t have children that loathe them. OK, buckets of shit don’t have kids. But still. No one has asked the Cruz children how they would feel about Mommy divorcing Daddy and hooking up with a bucket of shit. Well, no one but Jon Stewart. Given that Cruz threw his kids under the bus over the Cancun trip, the Vegas line on the Cruz juniors being “all in” on Mom replacing Dad with a bucket of shit is hovering at just above +150.
- Unlike Cruz, no bucket of shit griped about US military ads in smarmy, smart-ass tweets. Obviously, “shit” is a useful term in the military. Under heavy fire, soldiers traditionally say they are “in the shit.” Since Cruz’s tweets, soldiers now yell they are “in the Cruz” or when late for drills, “Sorry Sarge, that Cruz-on-a-shingle went right through me, hadda take me a huge Cruz.” Or even “Bro, flush that down, don’t leave your Cruz missile for the next jarhead.” Also relevant is Cruz’s distinguished military service record, summarized in Appendix A.
- Head-to-head. Who defended a 16-year prison sentence for a guy who swiped a calculator from Walmart? Cruz: 1. Buckets: 0. The sentence was due to a clerical error. The maximum sentence was actually two years. As Solicitor General, Cruz took the Texas case to the US Supreme Court, asking the sentence be enforced in full, even though it was erroneous. No shit. Would do that. Sure, a bucket of shit will tune up your olfactory system for “shits and giggles.” Other than that, they’re pretty much “reek and let reek”. They wouldn’t make a guy who stole a calculator serve 14 extra years in some Cruz-hole prison. Cruz’s explanation? “Just doing my doody.” That is some serious Cruz, but not surprising. Does a bear Cruz in the woods?
Editor’s Note: This publication deeply regrets offending anyone in the Fecal-American Community by comparing its members to Ted Cruz.
Appendix A— Highlights of Ted Cruz’s Distinguished Military Service Record
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