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Abstract

harnessed to drones, dropping packages bound for remote villages while harvesting organic bananas for Whole Foods. Prime Members can also be two-day shipped for free anywhere within the watershed. MREs, water, toilet paper, waste removal extra.Analysts speculated on motives for the gargantuan purchase. Having lost to Richard Branson in space, Jeff Bezos seems intent on being the first tech titan to assume the role of deity. Excluding Steve Jobs.A buried clause of the purchase contract stipulates that members of the Yanomami tribe living in the watershed will address Bezos as “M’Boi,” the Serpent River God. In return, tribe members will receive an Echo Dot equipped for convenient audio purchasing, 100GB of storage in Amazon’s public cloud, and all the canisters of Instant Underpants they can stuff in their canoes.While tradition dictates Bezos must be mollified with ritual sacrifices, Amazon assured worried locals that the legendary annual gift of a virgin to M’Boi will not be streamed on Twitch.TV, but limited to a holographic simulation inside a secure data center.Once completed, that same facility will be branded Amazon on the Amazon, the world’s first floating data center. A specially engineered craft will handle transport, navigating upstream and down, using river water as a coolant and pelletized capybara dung for power. Amazon will sell leftovers from the fuel preparation process on its B2B portal, under the name Cap Crap Scrap™.*Mobility will enable Amazon to locate operations wherever taxes are the lowest, forcing governments to lower assessments to a figure asymptotically approaching zero.Amazon hopes to buff its reputation by selling green floating data centers early next year, which, an Amazon spokesperson stated, “will shave a hefty 43 pounds off our carbon footprint of 60.64 million metric tons.”Amazon is wooing residents for data center jobs, both to inject wealth into the local economy and to discourag

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e passersby from picking off crew members with curare-tipped darts shot from blowguns.Remotely controlled drone canoes will provide delivery service for all seven people in the Amazon watershed with Internet connectivity and fungible assets. The canoes will double as WholeFoods outlets, featuring organic produce, a smoothie bar, catering service for parties, and tasers to deter shoplifting.The purchase, originally expected to complete this fiscal quarter, was delayed when negotiators from Seattle were devoured by piranha. Except for the attorneys, who were extended professional courtesy.Leveraging its prowess for innovative solutions, Amazon began selling piranha puree, a reputed aphrodisiac, in its network of Whole Food Supermarkets. Sales were soon banned by the FDA after customers who sampled the product were found outside quietly humping shopping carts.The purchase is not expected to impact Amazon’s market cap, which last month surpassed the combined GNP of the Southern Hemisphere.Elon Musk greeted Amazon’s news by tweeting his intention to purchase the Pacific Ocean, and to limit traffic on it to self cruising marine craft. SpaceX rockets will be inverted to probe ocean depths. The SEC and Coast Guard are investigating.Google denied reports it was preparing a bid to purchase the ozone layer before it disappeared.Apple refused to comment on the rumor that it was probing the feasibility of cornering sunlight.Facebook issued a press release announcing PewDiePie reaction emojis.*The factory parts used to capture the waste dung will be marketed as Cap Crap Scrap Trap™. A blueprint of where to optimally locate those on a factory floor will be sold separately as Cap Crap Scrap Trap Map™. For those who want to store their map securely, Amazon will offer the Cap Crap Scrap Trap Map Strap™. Amazon invites resellers to propose improvisations on this theme.</article></body>

Prime Directive

Amazon Buys Amazon

Bezos Reigns as River God

Amazon (AMZN) announced the purchase of the Amazon (RIVR) from a consortium representing nine South American countries.

The price, rumored to be $161B, is roughly two years worth of sales of Amazon’s viral success, Instant Underpants.

Instant Underpants! Just add Water!

Each 2-1/2" (6.4 cm) round tin contains one pellet of disposable unisex underpants. Fits most children and small…

www.snarkgifts.com

Marvel Comics’ bid to join the sale failed after lawyers discovered that Wonder Woman, though Amazonian, hails from the island Themyscira. Also, that comic book characters are fictional.

Amazon announced deep discounts on Amazon Amazon Working Vacations for Prime Members. A2WV trips feature rain forest canopy tours for adventurers harnessed to drones, dropping packages bound for remote villages while harvesting organic bananas for Whole Foods. Prime Members can also be two-day shipped for free anywhere within the watershed. MREs, water, toilet paper, waste removal extra.

Analysts speculated on motives for the gargantuan purchase. Having lost to Richard Branson in space, Jeff Bezos seems intent on being the first tech titan to assume the role of deity. Excluding Steve Jobs.

A buried clause of the purchase contract stipulates that members of the Yanomami tribe living in the watershed will address Bezos as “M’Boi,” the Serpent River God. In return, tribe members will receive an Echo Dot equipped for convenient audio purchasing, 100GB of storage in Amazon’s public cloud, and all the canisters of Instant Underpants they can stuff in their canoes.

While tradition dictates Bezos must be mollified with ritual sacrifices, Amazon assured worried locals that the legendary annual gift of a virgin to M’Boi will not be streamed on Twitch.TV, but limited to a holographic simulation inside a secure data center.

Once completed, that same facility will be branded Amazon on the Amazon, the world’s first floating data center. A specially engineered craft will handle transport, navigating upstream and down, using river water as a coolant and pelletized capybara dung for power. Amazon will sell leftovers from the fuel preparation process on its B2B portal, under the name Cap Crap Scrap™.*

Mobility will enable Amazon to locate operations wherever taxes are the lowest, forcing governments to lower assessments to a figure asymptotically approaching zero.

Amazon hopes to buff its reputation by selling green floating data centers early next year, which, an Amazon spokesperson stated, “will shave a hefty 43 pounds off our carbon footprint of 60.64 million metric tons.”

Amazon is wooing residents for data center jobs, both to inject wealth into the local economy and to discourage passersby from picking off crew members with curare-tipped darts shot from blowguns.

Remotely controlled drone canoes will provide delivery service for all seven people in the Amazon watershed with Internet connectivity and fungible assets. The canoes will double as WholeFoods outlets, featuring organic produce, a smoothie bar, catering service for parties, and tasers to deter shoplifting.

The purchase, originally expected to complete this fiscal quarter, was delayed when negotiators from Seattle were devoured by piranha. Except for the attorneys, who were extended professional courtesy.

Leveraging its prowess for innovative solutions, Amazon began selling piranha puree, a reputed aphrodisiac, in its network of Whole Food Supermarkets. Sales were soon banned by the FDA after customers who sampled the product were found outside quietly humping shopping carts.

The purchase is not expected to impact Amazon’s market cap, which last month surpassed the combined GNP of the Southern Hemisphere.

Elon Musk greeted Amazon’s news by tweeting his intention to purchase the Pacific Ocean, and to limit traffic on it to self cruising marine craft. SpaceX rockets will be inverted to probe ocean depths. The SEC and Coast Guard are investigating.

Google denied reports it was preparing a bid to purchase the ozone layer before it disappeared.

Apple refused to comment on the rumor that it was probing the feasibility of cornering sunlight.

Facebook issued a press release announcing PewDiePie reaction emojis.

*The factory parts used to capture the waste dung will be marketed as Cap Crap Scrap Trap™. A blueprint of where to optimally locate those on a factory floor will be sold separately as Cap Crap Scrap Trap Map™. For those who want to store their map securely, Amazon will offer the Cap Crap Scrap Trap Map Strap™. Amazon invites resellers to propose improvisations on this theme.