Science Fiction

You Can’t Marry Your Cousin

The Dummy’s Guide to Physics

Welcome to The Dummy’s Guide to Physics, a short, simplified version of my book by that name. Think of this post as The Dummy’s Guide to the Dummy’s Guide to Physics. And think of this paragraph as The Dummy’s Guide to the Du … you get the idea.

The beauty of a Dummy’s Guide is that neither you nor your audience needs to have a clue. We’re dummies! Ergo, why my wife suggested I write The Dummy’s Guide to Sex. A book I then wrote! Well, it was more of a pamphlet. Like a brochure, but shorter. OK, a coupla notes on a Post-it, so just shut up about it.

Here’s everything you need to know about physics. Anything else is a load of hooey invented by a bunch of propellor heads at MIT and Stanford, fishing for job security.

1. Theory of Relativity. According to Relativity, you can’t marry your first cousin. If you do, your offspring will be shy a number of neurons roughly equal to Ramanujan’s constant, which is wicked big! This means your offspring would do little more than drool, and maybe wear a MAGA hat.
2. Archimedes Principle. Discovered in 3rd century B.C. (Before Computers) by Zorba T. Greek, “Archimedes Principle” is the name of a popular ouzo (as in “Publican, a bottle of your finest Archimedes Principle!”). The Archimedes Principle states that after drinking Archimedes Principle, you will develop an uncontrollable desire to find a beach and dance the sirtaki, which is pretty much the hora, but you’re Greek. You may also jump out of your bath and run naked through the streets shouting “Eureka” which is Greek for “Look at this big-ass gold seam I found in yonder hillside!”
3. Ohm’s Law. When you inhale, chant Ohm. When you exhale, chant Ohm. Your mantra is Ohm. You can’t tell anyone your mantra. If you do, you have broken Ohm’s Law. In which case, you’re likely to be reincarnated either as a toadstool or a member of The Young Republicans.
4. Relativity, Part 2. Yes, you can marry your second cousin … ewwww … but posting pics to Instagram? Ixnay on the otosphay. And let’s settle this “removed” crap: your first cousin once removed is the child or parent of your first cousin. Next time you’re at a family reunion and some smart-ass starts mansplaining “You’re Ethelred’s fourth cousin twice removed,” you can nod sagely before you flip him off.
5. Stefan-Boltzmann Law. The original version stated: “The total energy radiated from a black body is equal to the fourth power of its absolute temperature.” Which is why Stefan and Boltzmann were canceled, though given they lived in the 19th century, they don’t know it yet. The revised version is: “The total energy radiated from a body of color is none of your privileged white business, Karen.”
6. Relativity, Part C. No, you can’t marry your first cousin once removed. Move on.
7. Theory of Multiverses. We all share a universe, except for Kanye West, who lives in his own private universe, with rainbows and shiny things. There’s also a separate universe for Marjorie Taylor Greene, which pretty much looks like Mordor without the amusement parks.
8. String Theory. According to Wikipedia, “string theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like particles of particle physics are replaced by one-dimensional objects called strings.” Plagiarism! My book, page 47, second paragraph: “String theory is confusing so let’s just talk about the Dallas Cowboys.” See what they did there? In any case, don’t worry about strings, they’re only in Kanye’s universe anyway.
9. Newton’s Third Law of Motion. This law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. This is why when you put a fitted sheet on a bed, and you finally wrestle that fourth corner into place, one of the other corners pops off the mattress. Stop fighting it. It’s Science!
10. Relativity Part IV. If your identical twin travels at near light-speed, which is darn fast!, to a distant star and returns to the earth, relativity dictates that when he comes back, he’s going to be one helluva hit at parties. Sure, he’d be younger than you, but who cares about that? Geeks, that’s who. Big shout out to Al Einstein over at the Swiss Patent Office for getting this hot mess straightened out.

Editor’s Note: We paid this writer to discuss Schrodinger’s Cat, but he begged off claiming he has Ailurophobia. Right. There are north of 10 billion cat pictures on the Internet, which I am sure he would love to see. If people sent them. Just sayin’.