LIFE

Find Long-term Happiness By Protecting the Touchstones of Your Life

Be careful what you sacrifice to achieve your greatest desire

You know the drill

Stay motivated. Keep your eye on the prize. Concentrate your efforts by blocking out disruptions, diversions, and time-wasting detours. And take action every day — action that will eventually bring the result you want to achieve.

It’s the traditional formula for goal achievement — a practical, logical method of acquiring what you want out of life.

All good things, right? Usually — in fact, most of the time.

But there is one exception.

And before you prematurely discount what follows as just another philosophical derivative of “life is a journey, not a destination,” understand I’m a definite proponent of using goals to identify, prioritize, and measure the things in life we want to accomplish.

So if your life is working out just the way you’d hoped and you’re happy with the results, you can close this article and find something else to read.

But for the rest of us, it’s not that simple.

Most of us have just spent a lot more time at home than we normally do.

And we’ve had an opportunity to reflect on what’s important — to take a look at what we’ve done with our lives and where we want to go from here. As a result, many of us are re-examining the path we’re on — and where it’s leading to.

Perhaps we’re considering an alternative career choice, or working in a different industry, or starting our own business. Some of us are even pulling out the goals we made back in January, and looking at them with a new perspective.

Regardless of when or how life assessment happens, the question is always the same.

Is this the way I want to spend my life, or are there better choices — choices that will produce greater rewards and a higher level of satisfaction?

Granted, it’s not an easy question, especially since how we measure the quality of our lives is not only different for different people, but it also changes as we get older. For some, being a great spouse or a good parent is the perfect life choice. Others may decide to seek fulfillment through success in business, or the arts, or politics.

Regardless of where and how you choose to spend your time, living life on your terms — your priorities — should produce the feeling that you’re making a difference, not only for yourself but for others as well.

What happens when that’s not the case?

We feel like something’s missing. And while we may not be able to put our finger on exactly what it is, we’re feeling those tattle-tale symptoms of stagnation, anxiety, or just a general sense of being dissatisfied.

Usually, our first thought is to change something — our career direction, our relationships, where we live, or how we’re spending our personal time. We research the options. We buy books and training courses. We try to discover new possibilities and options that, hopefully, will make us happy and raise our satisfaction with life.

But that seldom produces the answer we’re looking for.

We may replace that feeling of dissatisfaction with the temporary excitement of taking on a new goal or challenge. But in most cases, we end up right back where we started — accomplishing the next goal on our list, but still missing that sense of making a difference, of living a life that matters.

Why can’t we find that sense of satisfaction that comes from balancing our external need to get more, do more, and be more, and our internal need to accomplish something significant and meaningful?

I believe it’s inherent to the goal process — a hidden landmine that, unless carefully avoided, can leave you with a life filled with regret, even when you achieve everything you set out to do.

I’m talking about the seemingly practical idea of always keeping your objectives in front of you, and intentionally blocking out everything else that threatens to take your focus off the goal.

On the surface, the idea seems reasonable.

To accomplish our most important objectives we need to eliminate distractions and time-wasters, like watching television or spending large amounts of time on social media. But the virtual blinders we voluntarily wear to keep our eye on the big prize can block out a lot of other things, as well — things we would never intentionally put in jeopardy.

And that’s my not-so-subtle way of introducing what is usually the most overlooked yet critical component in most goal-setting presentations — the conscious act of recognizing what’s already working in your life, especially the people, places, and things you should never put at risk.

I’m talking about the very real possibility of paying too much to achieve a goal.

The symptoms are most obvious in those who are goal-obsessed — consumed with uncommon dedication to their life’s objectives.

These are the people who compete with sheer drive and overwhelming determination. They always arrive early and work late. They forego vacations in favor of “catching up on the paperwork.” They watch their kids grow up as strangers, and their wives become little more than someone they plan to grow old with.

Granted, real accomplishment is seldom achieved without sacrifice.

And every goal, whether realized or not, comes with a price. Most of us understand that pursuing the things we want often means re-prioritizing other facets of our life — including those having intrinsic or emotional value that’s easy and often convenient to overlook.

We even promise ourselves we’ll make it up in the future, as if we’re putting that part of our life on hold — just temporarily — until we’ve arrived at our desired destination. At least that’s what we tell ourselves.

The result?

Without realizing it, we put the most important touchstones of our lives at risk.

Those touchstones can be your spouse, your kids, or family members. It can also be your existing degree of financial security, or your health, or your ability to recognize the needs of others who are counting on you.

Think you’re immune?

Think again. Those destined to become the most accomplished are the most susceptible.

Our natural tendency is to prioritize our time and attention in favor of the new and compelling. But never allow an obsessive preoccupation with any of your goals to result in the most important facets of your life becoming an expendable part of your future.

The danger comes from being so caught up in the day-to-day striving for success, we never consider the possibility that, with less attention, devotion, or commitment, our most important touchstones can easily be lost to neglect and indifference.

So, how do we avoid letting those vital touchstones slip through the crack?

The key is to identify the non-negotiable fundamentals in your life, and protect them with a commitment to keep them whole and healthy for the long term.

Why go to such lengths to formally identify the parts of our lives we already acknowledge as important? Because it’s part of our nature to discount the stable, nurturing, and comfortable aspects of our lives when those things are an established part of our experience. The fact that they already exist — as opposed to being something we don’t have and are longing for — makes them ideal candidates to take for granted.

It’s seldom our plan to intentionally damage our relationship with our spouse or family. We don’t deliberately set out to destroy long-held friendships or neglect the parts of our lives that give us comfort. But unfortunately, it happens a little at a time — a missed birthday here, a forgotten anniversary there — and over the years, it adds up.

Unintentional indifference can extract a heavy toll, especially on primary relationships.

After decades of neglect, the fire goes out — because it wasn’t tended, fed, or supported. In essence, it was allowed to die. And now, each partner finds themselves living with a stranger of convenience.

If you want to avoid this destructive side-effect of pursuing career and life goals with a single-minded obsession, the process is simple:

Make a list of all the things in your life that are important to you.

Include the things that are positive, make a difference in your attitude, give you pleasure, and motivate you. Bottom line, you’re identifying the things you enjoy, appreciate, and fill you with gratitude.

If you don’t want to call them touchstones, call them foundational elements, or your base support system. But regardless of what you call them, these are your reasons for getting up in the morning, for going to work, for coming home — because you know those things are waiting for you.

This list is your personal reminder of what must come first, and what must always be protected as you continue to work toward a more rewarding life.

They’re also the things you don’t gamble with.

Because without them — even though you achieve your most ambitious goals — your life won’t have the same meaning.

Your achievements won’t bring you the same level of satisfaction and pleasure you’d hoped to receive. And you’ll realize — too late — that the people closest to you, the ones you’d assumed would always be there to celebrate with you, to share in your victories, and enjoy your success, are no longer a part of your life.

Not sure what to put on your list?

I’ll give you a peek at mine.

• The first thing on my list is my wife. She’s smart, takes care of her health, and works with a sense of dedication and persistence that gives her the advantage of being successful at whatever she chooses to do. And most importantly, she puts up with me. I would never consider pursuing any objective that would put my relationship with her at risk.
• My second touchstone is maintaining control over my time and personal schedule. I was never a “good” employee. I failed miserably at “normalizing” my personality, behavior, and disposition to fit into a corporate bureaucracy.
• My third touchstone is where I live. For the last ten years, my wife and I have lived on the gulf coast of Florida. I’ve become accustomed to 75 degree winters and tolerable summers. I wouldn’t consider moving to a climate with below-freezing winters. Nor would I entertain the idea of moving to somewhere like Phoenix, where the summers reach 118 degrees. So where I live is important, because I’ve learned I’m happier and more productive in milder climates.

Your list will no doubt be different.

But the fact that you make one will put you far ahead of those who set goals without first identifying the important, non-negotiable people, places, and things that make them happy.

So as our world begins to return to normal and you find yourself reconsidering your priorities and re-evaluating your current and future professional objectives, I encourage you to include the important relationships, the core values, and the personal interests that are paramount in your life. Give them the importance they deserve by imagining what your life would be like without them.

I’ll leave you with this

Socrates argued that the unexamined life isn’t worth living. I’ll offer the counterpoint that subjecting every part of your life to evaluation, measurement, and control can kill spontaneity, shackle creativity, and blind you to the things of value and importance already present in your life.

Certainly, use goals to qualify your time and resources and keep you focused on the highest priority activities.

Just make sure any process used to increase your effectiveness doesn’t prevent you from experiencing — and appreciating — the excitement and satisfaction that can come from simply living in the here-and-now, one day at a time.

Listen to the Podcast of this article at Success Point 360

© 2021 Roger A. Reid. All Rights Reserved.

Roger A. Reid is the author of Better Mondays and Speak Up.

Roger A. Reid, Ph.D. is the host of Success Point 360 Podcast and author of Better Mondays and Speak Up. A certified NLP trainer with degrees in engineering and business, Roger offers tips and strategies for achieving higher levels of career success and personal fulfillment in the real world.