Summer rain

Queen of the Heat

No dimwit am I

A nice, cool rain is a godsend in this hairy-nasty heat hammering the planet. So, I was dumbfounded by the scene in the Walmart parking lot yesterday when the cloud above us split open and dumped buckets of rain. Our small, heat-affected selves had been lackadaisical, inching from car to store — overheated worms.

Then folks started to sprint, reusable shopping bags draped over their heads. Arms wrapped into arm hats. In a panic. With velocity. So terrified.

Were they serious?

I was like, “What are y’all doing?” This was asked in my mind, not out in the parking lot, so no one answered. Instead, they continued to waste this one bit of providence from above and run from it. Shopper by shopper, soon there was a parking lot full of hysterical mistakes.

Too bad for them

I stood by my car watching. They were making bad decisions for themselves. The one thing I knew right then — I wasn’t going to join in. I knew far better. Why I was the only one who knew better, I can’t tell you, but I’m no stooge. This is very much like me — being the only one in a large crowd who knows the right thing to do.

As usual, I did the right thing again.

The first thing I did was calm down, which was easy because I was already calm. In fact, I was delighted. The rain on my sweltering skin felt amazing. I wanted it there all day. I wanted as much of it as I could get. So, I decided to go get it.

I locked my car door. I’d make my way up to the entrance of the store and absorb as much rain as possible, enjoying myself all the while. I’d cool down to pre-climate-changing-us-into-hard-biscuit times when cool skin was the norm and never dreamt about as nirvana.

I asked myself the most important question you can ask yourself in a moment like this.

How can I maximize my rain gains?

First, I’d increase my exposure. I got down on hands and knees and started to crawl — not like a baby or groveling one. I’m no fool. I crawled carefully on the hard lot like a queen, with her long red cape trailing, and her tiaraed head wobbling high above her shoulders. This was a regal crawling. It was to allow the rain to bestow its adulation and adoration upon me.

I felt this. It felt good. I felt admired and cooled simultaneously. Among the chaotic scene — rain drenching the parking lot and its freaked-out commoners — I felt legitimized by my destiny.

A shower of ideas

Eventually, my imperial knees started to speak and ask for a new idea. I obliged, for rain is best enjoyed in stages. I stood up and brushed off my water-logged shins. By this time the rain was streaming down. I wanted to take advantage. Feel it to my core. The clear choice? Backward crab.

Do you know this fine technique? I used to. Or my mind remembered while my body had long ago forgotten. No worries. Rain is serendipity, as it’s known in many parts of the world right now, so do what you can. Don’t kvetch your time away.

I got down on my back and tried to hoist my butt off the asphalt. It lifted just fine, but alas my arms were too old to withstand the arm walking so crucial to a human crab. It was a failed attempt — but there is no failing in trying! I made do.

The plan B for backward crab is the log roll and this I could do. This is because the log roll is a backup for all movement endeavors. It is the one strategy both the highly successful and the unmotivated will employ. It is a universal way to enjoy the rain which is why you see so many shoppers doing the log roll into big box stores in a downpour. Though not in my neck of the woods apparently. I was the only one that day!

Folks were starting to divert from their frantic escapes to gawk at me. Who was this quirky woman rolling along the parking lot ground, sopping and happy as can be, hampering twelve cars at once? Was she a savant? I knew what they were thinking.

People came running over to me, asked me to grab their outstretched hands, begged me to get up. I wasn’t dumb. No way. I knew this ploy. They wanted for me the same self-denial they chose for themselves. Uh-uh.

Then the manager ran out of the store and came over. She said the police would come if I didn’t get up. I can’t compete with such abject power plays, so I surrendered and stood. I brushed off my soaked clothing. Folks stared at me, then dispersed. It was our moment.

A nautical win

The rain started to come down in droves by that point. There was no other choice but to take this last cup-runneth-over to the bank. I wasn’t an idiot. I knew drought was on the other side of this. I’d made it halfway to the grand Walmart estate. To my right was the shopping cart return. Small rivers were starting to run down the parking lot. I decided to set sail.

I hopped into a cart-boat and pushed off. I squatted down into the hull. The water was coming in from all angles, but I didn’t need to bail. This was a cage-bottomed boat — the finest kind. My body temp was plummeting. This was summer at its consummate best. Then things really took off.

My new cart-boat started to fly down the parking lot, albeit away from the store. The lot was pitched at a downward trajectory, and I was sailing its sea. I passed folks right and left. Still frantic to escape the torrent they were, but not me. I hollered over, “Ahoy mateys!” They only glanced over in their desperation. Was it worry for themselves or me in their eyes? I can’t tell you.

What I can tell you is this — the cops finally met me at the far end of the parking lot as my boat arrived, petering to a stop. They looked at me, I them. It was no big deal. I explained myself in a calm and aristocratic manner. They understood and let me on my way. I was ordered to return my boat to the boat return, which I did.

I walked into Walmart to begin my shopping. Nobody there was as sopping wet as me. I shivered victorious, queen of the chills. I loaded up my cart knowing full well I’d beat the heat. If you haven’t already figured it out, winning is what I’m known for.

Or, at the risk of sounding full of myself — I rule.

Thank you, Andrew Rodwin, for editing this story! Everything you suggested was spot on.

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