USELESS EXERCISE TIPS
Six Surefire Ways to Make Running More Enjoyable
Number one might trip you up
In an effort to reverse the damage that two years of COVID-induced-working-from-home-isolation-with-snacks-readily-available have caused, I decided to take matters into my own hands. My midsection had started to resemble a hairier version of Jabba the Hutt.
Actually, I didn’t take matters into my own hands. I took matters into my own feet.
I started jogging.
If you’re not a jogger/runner, you may be tempted to ask me things like, “Why?” or “Seriously, why?” or “What’s wrong with you?” to which I would answer, “I know, it’s stupid.”
Running is dumb.
There’s a reason you never see a jogger smiling. In fact, every time I see someone jogging, they always look like they are actively experiencing the worst thing, ever.
This is because they are.
But I wanted to supplement my workouts with more aggressive cardio. In my younger days, this meant having sex more, but my wife and I are both in our 50s and by the time we get finished stretching, limbering up, and removing our flannel pajamas, we are already asleep.
So jogging it is.
I started out with short runs just to get my body acclimated to it. This meant starting out with a slow jaunt out to the mailbox at the end of my walkway, where I collapsed under the weight of my own body and 67 credit card bills.
Each day, though, I’d go a little further. In two months, I had breached the 7-mile mark by running around my town. I’m pretty well-known in my town, so essentially this was comprised of 7 miles of waving to friends driving by who would each roll down their windows and yell, “RUN FORREST, RUN.” This included my wife who would do this every single morning I left the house.
So fun.
But I’ve learned a few things during these couple of months, so I thought I’d share some tips to help make the running experience more enjoyable, in the event you decide this is the way you want to die.
Stop Running
Seriously. Why are you doing this to yourself? Do something else. You, your hip flexors and your knees will thank you.
Diversify Your Route
I usually never run the same way twice. This is great because it gives me new scenery to look at and unleashed animals to flee from. This also allows you to find new McDonald’s locations so you can stop in and refuel with a hot apple pie.
Get an Apple Watch
I don’t have an Apple Watch. My wife does, however, so whenever I go for a run, I take it with me. This way I can actively see that I’ve been running for 30 minutes but only gone a distance equivalent to the length of a small school bus. It’s also nice to be alerted that another Amazon delivery has arrived at your front door, so you can keep tabs on how much your wife buys online while you are exercising.
Listen to Music
I also don’t have AirPods, but my wife and kids do. Before I go running, I find the least waxy pair so I can listen to music while running. In writing this, I realize that the rest of my family is spoiled and I really need to start buying myself cool gadgets.
TIP: Only use one earbud. Using two earbuds means you can’t hear what’s going on around you, which includes trains, gunfire, and neighbors yelling, “RUN FORREST, RUN!”
Wear Decent Underwear
Fun fact:
The David Bowie song, “Changes,” was originally about running. It was titled, “Chafing,” and had the following lyrics:
[verse]
Never knew what I started
Running for;
I thought it was, maybe, to
Get in decent shape.
Made it a mile and then I
Had a pain,
Like an Indian Sunburn
Down near my taint.
So I pulled my pants to my knees
And there, I caught a glimpse;
My balls and inner legs were
Redder than embarrassed pimps.
[chorus]
Ch-ch-ch-ch-CHAFING
OW MY FRIGGIN THIGHS
Ch-ch-CHAFING
WHY THE HELL AM I DOING THIS
etc., etc.
The more you know.
Eventually the chafing subsides but be prepared to walk bowlegged for three weeks until you get to that point.
Break up your weekly routine
Listen, no one says you have to run every day.
In fact, studies have shown that there are no medical benefits to running more than three days a week, and it can actually be detrimental. Some studies have said that people who run more than three days a week actually have the same health benefits as people who sit on the couch for seven days straight.
This is why I break up my routine with one day of running, one day of couch, another day of running, another day on the couch, etc. etc. This way, I get the best of both worlds by receiving the health benefits of jogging while also catching up on Stranger Things.
Running takes dedication, persistence and — from what I can tell — brain damage. It sucks. But, if you’re interested in signing up for that local 5K because they offer you a free beer at the end, the benefits might be worth it.
Take my suggestions and, you know, run with them.
You’ll still look miserable no matter what, though.
