Pin Me Down and Ravish Me

Why Women in Adultery Want to be Submissive

So I have been around the adultery block a little bit and have had a handful of lovers. Despite my training as a scientist, I feel compelled to draw a conclusion based on a very limited dataset:

Women in adultery want to be dominated by a man in the bedroom.

I am an egalitarian human, but there is some science in the form of human behavior to support this hypothesis despite its inherently sexist basis.

Dead Bedrooms

Many women in adultery come from dead bedrooms or places of neglect. When we have felt like we are invisible to our spouse and no longer seen as a sexual beings, it hurts. A lot.

So a lover comes into your life and they pay lots of attention and show desire. You feel seen. My lovers got their panties wet when I talked about ravishing them and making them mine.

What a lovely change of pace from invisibility in the bedroom — someone who desires you so desperately that they will ravish you with all their energy and lust.

Is a dead bedroom sufficient to make them want to be submissive? Hmm…the scientists aren’t convinced yet, so I’ll keep going.

Women’s burden

Women carry an unfair share of household responsibilities and child care in most homes. Many women have to make loads of decisions on-the-daily about the home, careers, and kids. Single moms with custody of the kids have it even worse because they carry even more of the burden. From little decisions to big ones, women make thousands of decisions every day.

But for women of adultery, taking a break from decision-making for a hot minute is an oasis. Couple that with the potential for deep sexual satisfaction and the combination is a potent one-two punch.

While not in a dom/sub relationship, I had a lover who was so exhausted from the ongoing effort that on a weekend getaway she had a request.

Make every decision for her for the next 24 hours.

What she wore. What and when she ate. How she loved me. When to sleep. She didn’t need to ask permission — she wanted me to anticipate all of her needs and then ensure her safety and satiety. This was more than just the bedroom and an opportunity to grow.

It was an intense experience for both of us.

Masculinity

And then there are the masculinity considerations. When seeking a husband a woman wants a partner in life. An equal. That person who will have her back and give her support and is decent in bed. They want a man who can provide as well.

In adultery, those character traits have only trivial value. An alpha male presents what most women seem to want. Sex and lust and desire, preferably with some intelligence. They need sufficient financial resources to be able to book hotel rooms and take a day off for a hotel date.

A man who knows what he wants and decides to go and take it.

Michael Hopkin reported (Nature, 2005) on a study of women and sexual preferences during ovulation. The study found that “the smell of a socially dominant male is most exciting to women in stable relationships.” To summarize; married women dig the smell of a dominant man.

As we ponder what it means to be masculine; strong, assertive and sexually dominant are some of the common descriptors. The Good Men Project published a study of 40,000 men and had a list of 13 traits. Take away those that make for a good husband and you have the alpha male characteristics.

Teresa J. Conway recently wrote about an adulterous experience she had with a new side piece to her side piece. A guy with good potential, but who couldn’t muster the necessary alpha male part of his lustful cerebellum to meet her sexual needs. This guy could have had an excellent and sexy summer, but instead, he is one and done because he couldn’t take control. NEXT!

More than just sex

Oh sure, women want more than sex in an affair partner. Clara, Jennifer and MonaLisaSmiled have all written brilliant pieces about this. Once the sheets are crumpled and the orgasms subside, both lovers want to be able to have a conversation and connect intellectually.

But it's an affair — so we aren’t talking about the electric bill or mundane life events. More likely it's a recap of what was working sexually, when you can meet again or something titillating we read here on Medium. Or maybe that new thing you wanted to try.

Level 3000 -The ultimate of ultimate. This person has EVERYTHING YOU NEED AND WANT. Even the things that you didn’t know you wanted. — Clara

Clara has a point. In the ideal lover, you have it all — a blend of alpha and beta males. The kind of person for whom you might hit the big self-destruct button on your marriage. While not a mythical unicorn, these types of lovers are hard to find.

Hypothesis

But in adultery, some women want a lover who will take control. They want a man who will take their pleasure from them and remind them of the sexual powerhouse that they are.

This doesn’t apply to all women, but it sure feels like a majority. What do you think?

I am new to medium so I appreciate your claps and comments. Like this one? Then here is a story of when my lover and I took turns being in control.