Batter Up: The Selection Process

Drafting another player onto Team Adultery

What do you do when your main pitcher is injured?

Or unavailable to play every week throughout the season? Contract negotiations with other teammates ensure that new hires and relief pitchers are indeed allowed. Now, how do we draft them?

Herein lies my dilemma. A recruiter seeking relief pitchers. A horndog coach whose well-manicured home plate requires higher batting averages. What better way is there to supplement stats than to add a few more players?

And I hope we all realize here that we aren’t really talking pitchers and players, right? Of course, this article is actually just a cis-chick looking to have her hungry muff frequently filled.

So, yep, enough baseball chatter. It requires too many Google searches and hubby is starting to get suspicious of my sports fact-finding mission.

“Why do you need to know about strikeouts and hitting home runs anyways?” He ponders, staring up from the same Sudoku he has been scratching away at for six months.

“Just an article I’m writing.” I sigh, looking up from the keyboard long enough to notice bits of dinner tobogganing down his beard and onto his stained shirt.

“About?”

“Options,” I whisper between swigs of merlot, thinking of MonalisaSmiled‘s article. “It’s all about options.”

The need to pare down

With more AM messages than there are nerve endings in our clit, a selection process is definitely required. How to narrow down the 4,379 pic requests and “hey there sexy”s of every horny, dead-bed dude between the age of 21 and 71?

“The odds are stacked against men in the adultery biz. So many men looking and far fewer women on the market. It’s glorious for us! We get to pick and choose to our heart's content.” MonalisaSmiled

Seriously. It’s almost a full-time job. Sigh. First-world problems of a self-declared slut who wants to keep your hubby’s cock higher than the divorce rate.

The Selection Process

How do I do it, though, you ask? Or you don’t and I tell you nonetheless. How do I narrow the field and scrub away the grass stains? Honestly?

Here are some of my not-so-secrets.

Geography

For me the number one factor right now is geography. I am a caregiver who also works full-time and has two teens. I don’t have extra time to slide in and out of commuter traffic. This is the issue with my Number One Lover. With 2.5 hours between us and his frequent bouts of working across the country, we don’t bump nasties as often as we’d like.

So if it takes longer for you to get to me than it does to unroll a Trojan or squeeze out a dab of lube then I ignore your request. Occasionally I make exceptions — think Glistening Biceps who are willing to singlehandedly support Chevron stocks.

But I won’t deviate for you – the one who sends six messages claiming, “no, really, 3 hours isn’t that far. You only have to drive halfway.” My first No Thank You should’ve been enough. Quit stalking me.

And you, Mr. Oil Patch Man In Texas – why are you messaging me anyway? Did your geography lessons fail to teach you that Canada is an entirely different country?

Profile Deets

Next up, I slice away according to what your profile says. Yes, I read it. If you leave it blank then you won’t even be shooting blanks within a mile of my fine pussy.

Comments like “Still thinking about what to write here…” aren’t as clever – or original — as you may think. While you’re “still thinking” I’m already reading someone else’s well-crafted lines.

I used to be more of a massive grammar snob. As I scout relief pitchers, I’m definitely not as picky. Perhaps the dangling participle in your profile description isn’t as significant as the one in your boxers.

Impressive messages

You have to earn your way, bruh. Making it into my KIK contacts is a big damn deal. Impress me and we may even meet. Hint: asking for endless nudies or text-shouting “I’M SUPER HORNY” after ghosting me for five days will not get you a date.

Send me a minimum of two non-sexual texts a day. Be witty. Ask me questions. Communicate. To get to my pussy you need to go through my brain. Yeah, of course, it’s work. But you want to get laid, right? And I am most certainly worth it.

Takeaways

Me hopefully. But only if you’ve followed the basic rules outlined above.

You live within the right postal code (or zip code for you southerners) and you have a profile with more than “Hey, I’m looking for YOU. Message me for more info.” You impress me with your communicative prowess. When’s the next gaping hole in your schedule?

’Cause this coach is more than happy to practice catching your balls.

©Jennifer J. McDougall 2021