HUMOR
5 Reasons I Won’t Heart You on a Dating Site
Hints to help you pick up online
So you want to have coffee with an amazeballs Chiquita like myself? Or maybe you’re already optimistically thinking of that future moment when your dick is in my mouth? There are certainly some things that will help you get into my DMs and my pants.
However, I’m fairly certain I’m not the only person out there who sees these five things and automatically clicks on the X.
1) Your main profile picture resembles a wanted fugitive ad.
I often hear men express how visual they are. Little lacy bits are enticing. Yo, women are visual, too.
Pick your best photo. I don’t want to feel like I’m looking at you through the window of a submarine. Especially when what I’m staring at is scarier than what I open my door to on Hallowe’en.
Don’t use that picture from when you spent 37 hours drinking moonshine and vomiting on a forest floor somewhere in Alabama. At worst, you’re still learning the intricacies of hygiene and at best, you’re hiding bodies.
2) Your name is Funbuddy, Peppy, or Bigtime.
This goes for Nutheat, Heartstopper, and Bodacious as well. Why isn’t Joe or Muhammad or whatever moniker is printed on your passport good enough? Unless of course, your ma named you Funbuddy. Then just go with Bob.
3) You haven’t written a profile.
Imagine if I intrigued you by tongue-tickling your balls just a bit, and then left the room with absolutely no explanation. You leaving an empty profile box after an alluring pic is like that, Clit Tease.
I understand that we are all on the go-go-go. If you are too busy saving Covid patients to write something, Dr. Doogie, then your schedule is a little too full to be dating.
“What if I don’t know what to say?” You enquire. Ask a friend, your neighbor, your kids. Maybe not your ex.
Just don’t say “I’ll know you’re the one when I find you.” That really only works for serial killers like Son of Sam. Which, by the way, is another username to avoid.
Here is a clever example. The rest is even more humorous — too bad he didn’t heart me back.
4) What you did scribe is unoriginal.
If I have to read another run-on sentence about drinking wine while watching the sunset with an adventurous lady who is completely drama-free and adores cuddling during hockey games I’m going to form all those corks into a voodoo doll and strangle you-in-doll-form on a sandy beach beside your new canoe.
Yes, there are almost 8 billion folks trudging through life on this planet and 44 million of those in the States alone are online dating. It’s challenging to stand out and be different.
But you are unique. Somehow, in some way, display that individuality in your profile.
Maybe keep some things a surprise.
5) You use inappropriate punctuation and forget to spellchalk, dammit.
My obsession with the correct usage of commas is what helped me earn my Grammar Police Badge. I’m flashing that now. Because, without those commas, I won’t be flashing anything else at you.
Maybe you’re not into periods, exclamation marks, or CAPITAL LETTERS at the beginning of sentences. Obviously, it’s not as important as baking homemade edibles on your ATV’s solar panel stove. So ask your golf buddy or one of your 47 dogs to edit it for you. Because I’m definitely worth a few minutes with Grammarly, baby. Even if it takes time away from the pumping of iron that has my loins pumping for you.
Spelling. Your not the one for me if you don’t see an issue with this sentence. Hint: it involves contractions – and not the ones your ma had when pushing your fat head through her fur burger, Funbuddy.
Hey, we’re not all Pāṇini. That’s why Dean Hachamovitch has a third home in Belize while you snivel about being single on a Saturday.
It will be me – not life – throwing lemons at you, Nutheat.
Think of it as a job interview — except that instead of getting a paycheque and a benefits package you’re getting cute lil me. Would you send a resume without proofreading it first? Well, maybe you would.
Summary of how to get into my pants
- A clear photo in which you don’t appear to be either high on meth or making out with teenage girls or your ex-wife.
- A few words strung together in your profile that tell me a unique story about yourself.
- The use of spellcheck or Grammarly — I swear on your lakeside cottage that I’m not getting a commission.
Hope to see you in my G-string — I mean, “likes” section – soon.
© Jennifer J. McDougall 2021