Parenting Isn’t Magic, It’s A Skill Set

I’m sharing my most effective strategies from 10-years in daycare and my experience as a parent.

Have you ever thought good parenting is magic?

While it may be true that some people may be more suited to the job, it doesn’t mean that they’re the only ones who can do it well.

The truth is, parenting is a skill.

Sure, it’s a fluid dance, with moving parts and unknowable variables but that doesn’t mean you can’t work at it.

As with anything in life, you don’t have to be stuck where you are.

There are things you can do to improve your results and facilitate positive growth.

If things in the parenting department aren’t working the way you think they should, it might just be that you need to refresh your skills and practice better habits.

Have a look at this list and see if there’s anything you can take from it to upgrade your skills a bit or start some better practices:

Raise the bar with your playdates.

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut with people we feel comfortable with.

If someone else’s kid makes yours look good by comparison, that’s not really a good thing.

Kids pick up each other’s behaviors so if you hang out with people whose kids are out of control, it’s more likely your child will pick up bad habits than their good habits will rub off unless you really stay on top of it. (See my article: Why We follow The Worst People)

You might even let your child act up a little more because nobody’s judging.

But we all try a little harder when we’re around new people.

Of course, you shouldn’t drop your friends because their parenting isn’t stellar, but you could try to find a few people whose kids you like, who act like you wish your kids would, and schedule a playdate or two with them.

Find someone you genuinely like, whose parenting you admire, and have a playdate with them. You may observe something helpful even if it’s just a new way to approach a problem or a better way to communicate with your child.

This is how I made a very good friend when my daughter was a toddler. I saw this woman at the park and her children were so good, and I loved the way she spoke to them and dealt with them. I sidled my way over to her and started a conversation. We exchanged numbers and became friends.

I developed practices from her that I use to this day in my daycare and have even written about in my book.

I actively sought out someone whose parenting I admired and became a better parent — and person, because of it.

Try something outside your lifestyle “box.”

If you’re having a hard time with your kids, it means something isn’t working. That’s the bad news, — the good news is if you pay attention you can probably figure out what that is.

If you’re a helicopter parent, try hanging back. If your life has no structure, try implementing some routine. If you’re terrified to let your kids get dirty, go to a thrift store, buy them some play clothes, take them to the park, and let them get filthy.

If they have structured activities almost every night, take a night and let them have unscheduled kid time. Let them free-play, let them get bored, and find something to do for themselves, don’t try to orchestrate anything.

If they don’t have any activities, and you can afford it, find out what interests them and maybe sign them up for a class. Sometimes a local YMCA or Community Center has affordable classes for kids.

Sometimes little lifestyle tweaks can make all the difference.

• **Don’t feel married to something you do just because you’ve always done it. If there’s an activity that your kids resist, maybe it’s time to let that one go.

Being open to change might help you find something your kids love that you would never have otherwise tried, or it might give them some free time to just be kids, and that’s not a bad thing.

Get them outside, especially if you’re exhausted.

It’s easy to get into the habit of sending the kids to the playroom. Especially if your house has a cozy basement with lots of toys and a TV. But there are better places for them to burn off energy and move their bodies.

Outside is always the best option, so if the weather is nice, get them outside. Go to the park, or let them out into the backyard.

Even if you’re exhausted after work, they’re not, and sitting on a park bench drinking a coffee so they can run is better for everyone than trying to get kids who need to burn off energy to sit still. (Pro tip: Turning up the TV louder will NOT make them sit and watch it, it will only agitate kids and make them more hyper — children need at least an hour of physical stimulation every day in the form of free-play.)

It doesn’t take much to drive to a park and sit on a bench and drink a coffee. If your kids are old enough you can even zone out a little and read a book or do something on your phone as long as you keep one eye on them. They don’t need you to play with them but they do need to play.

When my daughter was a toddler, I often took her to the park, but I also loved just taking her for long walks around the block. It was low pressure, free, and could take upwards of an hour.

Even though I was anemic and had a heart condition, I could always manage this walk and it always did me good. We made memories that I’ll cherish for the rest of my life walking around that block, and for her, it was a new adventure every time.

If you get them outside for at least an hour a day, they’ll listen better, settle down when you need them to, go to bed easier, and sleep better.

• **If you’re already exhausted, working with their needs for exercise will serve you better than working against them.

Fulfill yourself as a person.

It’s easy to get caught up in doing everything for everybody else.

It can be surprising how easily you drop everything that makes you feel fulfilled when you have kids.

It’s also shocking how stressful and all-consuming parenting can be. Combining that stress with the elimination of what makes your soul sing can suck the life right out of you.

When you’re an exhausted, unfulfilled husk of your former self, it’s difficult to parent from a place of joy.

If your kid does three activities, consider taking them out of one and giving yourself a night out once a week doing something that you love. Or schedule something for yourself to overlap one of their activities, you’ll be out anyway.

When my daughter was little, I scheduled myself skating lessons at the same time as hers because I’d always wanted to learn. Sometimes, with a little planning, you can layer your activities at the same time as theirs.

If you feel like you’ve lost a part of yourself, you might want to find a way back to that person, even if it’s just one small step.

If that feels selfish, it might be worth giving some thought to why it’s okay to make sure everyone but you is allowed to have activities.

If you don’t know what you would possibly do, make it your mission to find out.

Personal fulfillment has a way of clearing your head and allowing personal growth in all areas. Taking care of yourself will help you take care of your children. You might even find a hobby you have in common with one of them.

There is no magic formula that makes some people great parents.

But what might set them apart is their willingness to work on it by approaching it as a skill set that can be developed.

Whatever your parenting style, you may benefit from trying this approach.

Trying new things, finding some new mentors, getting outside, and, best of all, taking care of yourself might be just what you need to brush up on your parenting and improve your skills.

Thanks for reading!

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