Things To Mentally Prepare For When You Have A Baby
There used to be a chain of wisdom. That chain has been broken, it’s time to mend it.
There used to be a chain of wisdom.
Women had community, we had sisters, mothers, and elders. We had the village raising our child with us, helping us along, sharing wisdom and experience. Secrets whispered to each other so that we weren’t blindsided when reality came crashing down.
That chain has been broken. We don’t have the village helping us. Nobody tells us the hard truths to prepare us anymore.
We’re sold some funny stories and pictures on Instagram instead of real community or knowledge. Nobody is telling us what we really need to know.
Here are some things that nobody talks about. Things that can really happen when you have a baby.
I don’t mean how you poop on the delivery table or bleed so much you need adult diapers after giving birth, that stuff is pretty common knowledge. I’m going to shine a light on some other things that people go into deep denial about or just plain don’t discuss, so get ready for a dose of reality.
Here are a few truths that nobody talks about:
Children and especially toddlers, need at least a couple of hours a day to play, run, and explore. Yes, hours a day, you didn’t misread that.
They need that much time for proper development. They need it, rain or shine, and if they don’t get it, it shows. Especially boys, boys are like dogs, they need to run at least twice a day.
If you do not put the time in for this, your children will suffer. Their development depends on moving their bodies for extended periods every day.
I’m not talking about a baby group, or baby yoga, or toddler time. I’m not talking about soccer twice a week or swimming lessons. I’m talking about good old fashioned getting them out to the park or backyard sitting your butt down on a bench and just letting them go and get dirty.
They need this every day. Every. Single. Day. (Let that sink in.) Baby Einstein’s got nothing on outside time. Moving is how they learn.
The reason you probably don’t know this is that nobody talks about it.
People who do it take it for granted, and people who don’t probably spend most of their time complaining about their kids and how hyper they are.
I’ve spent eight years with toddlers observing and researching. They do best with one to three hours of exercise daily, I have studied this in great detail.
Children who do not get enough exercise have more behavior issues, and those who do get it resolve problems that seem impossible. That is my conclusion from my studies, with the children that I have worked with who I have helped.
All children and toddlers, in particular, need tons of free play preferably outside, NOT in the form of an organized sport every day, that is a fact.
Like it or not, women do the vast majority of child care and housework, even in relatively equal relationships — even these days.
Scratch the surface, and you will see many women still do everything in the home.
A couple may seem to have their act together, but if you get to know them, you may find inequity is their dirty little secret.
It’s no wonder because, from birth, women are still treated as second class citizens in the media, in business, in society in the eyes of the law and in religion. It is insidious brainwashing we have yet to overcome as a species.
Your man may pull the “but I do the guy jobs” card, but you are still getting shafted. Jobs, like taking out the garbage, cutting the grass, fixing stuff, putting up pictures, home maintenance, are all valid contributions.
Still, those are the once in a while jobs. Those are jobs with beginnings, middles, and ends, tasks that have results, and can be satisfying. You cannot compare them to the duties traditionally assigned to women.
What is inexplicably still considered a woman’s work is the day in and day out, mind-numbing grind that must go on regardless of whether or not you want it to because if it doesn’t, the whole ship goes down.
People must be fed, laundry must get done. Daily cleaning is something that is both ongoing and never-ending. Constant wiping, sweeping, clearing, and tidying is essential if you don’t want to live in a chaotic, dirty shit-hole.
Women will probably not talk to you about this, but they speak to me. This is the number one source of conflict with my daycare moms and friends over the years.
I have tackled this in my own marriage. My husband was not aware of how much extra work I did on top of my full-time job. I never thought to bring it up until I was about to break.
I thought housework was supposed to be my job. I also just assumed he knew how much of a burden I was carrying doing it all. So while he had a lovely self-cleaning home that he didn’t have to think about, I’d become a slave to our house.
Once he realized it was an issue, he took on more than I asked him to. He is the reason I now have time to write.
So brace yourself for some conflict. No matter how much you love your partner, once that baby comes, your world will change forever.
His life can tick along pretty much as it always has if he decides that’s how he wants it to play out. He can choose not to help, and you will be forced by default to do everything and be branded a nag if you complain or try to make him pitch in.
Believe me, many modern men become very old fashioned in this way after the baby comes.
Friends who come by the first month or so to hold your newborn will stop coming around.
Your friends may disappear when you need them most, especially if you are the caregiver of the group.
This will be especially noticeable if your group of friends is mostly takers, and you are the group giver. If this is the case, don’t expect them to help out when you need them.
I have a friend who nurtured, honored, and committed herself to her circle of friends for years, since long before I’d met her.
She had loads of friends she spent countless hours and dollars on keeping in touch with. She dropped everything when one or another had a crisis and got to their side with whatever transportation was required.
Then she had three babies in a row with a husband whose job required an absurd amount of his time.
I watched as these friends, one by one, hung her out to dry. They spent a good six years ignoring her, rarely visiting. The ones in town always seemed to have something else to do when she needed help.
This person who did everything for other people couldn’t seem to get even one of them to do anything for her. I befriended her during this tumultuous time and was astounded at the absence of support someone with so many friends could have.
There is nobody out there who cares about your kid as much as you do — that is a fact.
Your kid is perfect/lovely/special — to you. You and your husband, your parents, his parents, your extended family, and maybe the odd person or two — and that’s it.
No matter how lovable you think your kid is, remember, that’s your opinion.
If your kid is an out-of-control, spoiled jerk, don’t think it will go unnoticed. If you don’t teach your child things like patience, manners, and respect, it doesn’t matter how pretty/smart/talented you think they are, people will not like them.
Some kids are so nasty and spoiled that you can’t help but despise them from the minute you meet them.
I was once having a conversation with a woman whose four-year-old punched her in the stomach because she wanted to leave. This woman had just given the child a present, but the kid decided she’d had enough of waiting around for us to stop talking.
She punched her mother so hard in the stomach that the woman flinched from the pain. She looked at me, laughed sheepishly, and said, “Oh well, I guess they’ll just have to work this out in kindergarten.” I was so shocked I could hardly speak, and I wanted to tell her that the teacher is going to hate her kid.
It’s true, an adult can hate a child. You will even hate your own child once and a while. So if you’re going to give your kid a leg up, remember, if you raise a monster, you will be the only one able to love them. The more you live by this tip, the better.
Babies change lives, not people.
You may grow and blossom in ways you never thought possible. But if you think your partner will love you more, your mother will finally respect you, or your mother-in-law will approve of you just because you have a baby, you are dead wrong.
Babies are paradoxical creatures, you love them more than anyone you’ve ever loved before, but they make life exponentially harder.
People will judge you more, not less, post-baby. Unsupportive people become less supportive. Babies drive wedges into tiny cracks and highlight every difference and difficulty you’ve ever had with your partner. They give everyone who has ever had anything to say to you a license to say it to your face.
Having a baby brings out the worst in people just as much as it brings out the best. If you are not 100% invested, they will suck the life out of you until you don’t even have the strength to post a passive-aggressive meme on Facebook.
If you are doing this to satisfy someone else, you are not the only one living with the consequences.
You can leave your husband and get rid of him and his mother at the same time. You can even cut your own family off if you have to, but you can never divorce your child. Children are a permanent part of your life, and they bind you to the people you have them with, permanently.
You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
I love my daughter more than anything in this world. She is the center of my life and one of the two most meaningful relationships I have. But everything I’ve mentioned is something that I have either experienced first hand or have watched someone in my life go through.
These are common but rarely addressed truths. It’s as though we all enter into a contract of silence once we have children because if we talk about them, we seem somehow ungrateful or unloving.
You may experience none of these or all. But these are some of the universal experiences of motherhood that nobody gives a public voice to.
I’m not trying to talk you out of anything. I am the village, I care for your children, and I am caring for you.
I am not afraid to tell you what you need to know. I am breaking the silence. I am preparing you mentally for some of the challenges you might face, so you’re not blindsided.
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