Stop Complaining About Your Kids, It’s More Toxic Than You Think
The next time you find yourself doing it, remember this article.
Erin King is the author of How To Be Wise AF Guided Journal For Women: A 30-day guided workbook for empowerment, strength, and resilience through good old-fashioned common sense and optimism
Children are likely to live up to what you believe of them. — Lady Bird Johnson
Complaining about your kids feels like a harmless way to blow off steam, but it can be much more toxic than you think.
When complaining about your kids gets out of hand, it causes a toxic chain reaction in your brain that you are not even aware of.
I’m not talking about a little venting, we all do that.
Let’s look at what happens when you chronically complain about your kids and a few practical ideas for nipping it in the bud when you find yourself past the point of no return.
Here’s what happens:
You stop seeing the good in them.
Because your brain creates pathways when you repeat a behavior, the more you complain, the easier it gets. So you will start to recognize the negative faster than positive and focus more on that. You may even overlook or under-appreciate the good things they do because you no longer seeing it.
You stop enjoying them.
When you always see the bad in someone, you stop enjoying the good things about them.
You’re mad at them even when you’re not.
If you continuously complain about your kids’ chances are you are also stewing about them in your head. You might start holding a subconscious grudge against them.
This stewing may make you so on edge that the minute something does happen, you are already primed to snap.
If you have multiple children, there may be one in particular that you complain about most. You may develop a bad attitude towards your most high maintenance child.
You drive them away.
Children can sense when there is a problem. They have keen instincts and are highly perceptive. They will sense when you are on edge and simmering. If you take it out on them, they will begin to remove themselves from you emotionally.
Look at it this way, when you know someone doesn’t like you, you work hard to avoid them.
You lose empathy for them.
If complaining has caused you to become chronically negative, you may not be able to comfort your child when they need it. You may become desensitized to their pain and inadvertently neglect their emotional needs.
Your children will internalize the behavior.
Our brains are hard-wired to mimic what we see. Children internalize the energies of the people around them. What you do, say, and how you act are life lessons for them. If you are always complaining, they will pick up on this negativity and, over time, become negatively programmed themselves.
You lose friends.
While it’s true that misery loves company, this is only true to a point. If you always complain about your kids and if it’s chronic, you have probably become quite toxic, and some friends will want to stay away. Especially people who have good relationships with their kids because they won’t want your attitude infecting their energy.
It sets a dangerous precedent.
When you always complain about your kids, you are venting, and it will spill over onto them. The relief you’ll feel from doing this will start to cross over in other areas of those relationships.
The relief you feel from doing it about them will become a relief you will feel from doing it to them. Then it is a slippery slope into the child as an emotional punching bag whenever you feel upset.
Remember that your child is powerless to address anything in their life. You are supposed to be their chief support and advocate. When you begin to use your child as an emotional slop bucket, it creates a dynamic where you victimize them over and over because it gives you relief.
It is tough to stop this behavior because you may not even know you are doing it.
You won’t be able to fix what is broken.
Complaining is so toxic that it has been found to damage the part of the brain that deals with problem-solving and critical thought. So if you always complain about your children, you will be less likely to solve the issues you are complaining about.
Here’s what you can do:
Stop. Just stop.
When you catch yourself doing it, stop. Monitor your thoughts, and every time you do it, either say out loud or in your head the word stop. It’s incredible how useful this one little act of mindfulness can be.
Once you get in the habit of noticing and saying stop to your complaining, it will start to lessen. Then you can try some pro-active moves.
Try giving it some thought.
Chances are you are complaining about your kids, but they are not the actual problem. They are probably a symptom but not the real cause.
For this, you will need to be honest with yourself, so it may not be pleasant. Are you happy in your marriage? Are you overwhelmed with having to do everything and be everything to everybody? Is parenting burning you out? Are you a stay-at-home mom, but you wish you could be back at work? Is your job the real problem? Maybe you have a toxic extended family? Do you have unresolved childhood issues of your own?
The good news is that painful as it may be, the first step to fixing something is recognizing that it needs to be fixed.
Try to say positive things.
Sometimes it’s just that easy. When you want to say something negative about your kids, especially to them, change gears. Find one good thing in the situation and focus on that.
I don’t mean to compliment them as they are ripping down the curtains. But if it is just a regular day and they are getting on your nerves for no reason, try to observe something that they are doing that you can be positive about.
If they’re used to being criticized, this will be a welcome change and might soften their edges enough for you both to share a happy little moment. One happy moment builds from another, and eventually, you lay a new foundation for your relationship.
Give yourself a break.
Everybody complains about their kid sometimes. Don’t let the realization that you have a problem to turn your complaining into a self-loathing, pity party. Just realize you do it, commit to doing better, and get on with it.
Thanks for reading!
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