Open to Love Instead of Trauma by Leveraging the Power of 3 Prominent Theories

Letting go of childhood grief and finding joy in life based on my personal and professional experience

Lao Tzu wisely advised, ‘Accept the past and release the emotional attachment to it.’ His words emphasize the importance of acknowledging our past without denying its impact. Rather than concealing or trivializing our struggles, his message encourages genuine acceptance and letting go of the emotional burdens that accompany them.

My childhood was marked by trauma, an undeniable fact that shaped my early years. Seeking solace, I began therapy at a young age to address the tragedies I had endured.

Despite my determination, imposter syndrome plagued me throughout my journey, intensifying as I entered a graduate program for clinical psychology at 26. I harbored doubts about my worthiness, convinced that my traumatic past rendered me unfit for the field, and struggled to find peace within myself.

Trauma survivors develop strong emotional bonds with specific memories. For me, it was sadness and pain. Because I carried so much grief, I developed coping strategies to guard myself from experiencing this deep grief in the future. Thus, my entire adult life was tainted with deep, dark grief.

My childhood trauma prevented me from experiencing true joy and happiness as an adult. I carried it around like wearing a heavy necklace, a necklace symbolizing my vigilant suffering.

Holding onto this sadness was my way of holding hope of being loved. The sadness was genuine; I knew that. It represented a feeling of being unloved and unloveable.

It has taken decades for me to let go of this childhood grief and embrace a life of joy and happiness. As Lao Tzu says, accept the past but let go of your emotional attachment to it. I am doing this now and advising my clients, too.

In this story, I want to point to three psychological theories that have helped me understand my childhood trauma and my client’s traumas. As a clinical and cognitive psychologist, I examined them in detail, but I want to summarize only the key points to give you some ideas on leveraging their power. I also briefly discuss lifestyle and cognitive behavioral therapy to support these theories.

Psychological Theories that Helped Me Heal Trauma

The first is attachment theory.

Attachment theory is a psychological term referring to how people form emotional bonds. Healthy emotional bonds stem from a child’s initial interactions with a parent or primary caregiver during infancy and early development.

Experts describe reactive attachment disorder (RAD) as a severe social functioning disorder in children who did not receive healthy emotional bonding early in life.

These children remove themselves from social interactions because they feel unsafe. Some of them become withdrawn or unresponsive. Some, like me, become highly independent and live without love.

Early relationships with caregivers give us “internal working models” for navigating future relationships. They also help with self-esteem and self-worth. Negative and insecure attachments in early childhood lead to difficulties in adulthood, which was true for me and for many clients I’ve seen over the years.

Psychotherapy and supportive relationships help to reverse these internal models and restore one’s self-esteem.

The second is emotional regulation theory.

Emotional regulation means managing and responding to your emotions healthily. It refers to our ability to judge which affective outcomes to embrace and avoid.

For example, when an object or a person confronts us, the brain's natural reaction activates the amygdala, this brain site that regulates the fight-or-flight response by activating the HBA axis. Emotional regulation helps us decide whether to fight or flee.

When a caregiver abuses or neglects a child, the child often exhibits emotional dysregulation, where this fight or flight response becomes paramount. In other words, the child reacts before thinking. This early trauma can lead to adult mental health issues such as depression and complex PTSD.

The concept and theory of emotional intelligence go hand in hand with emotional regulation. Both concepts help us become emotionally fit — similar to being physically fit.

When you have a complicated past to overcome, you struggle with regulating your emotions. They often go up and down and are never relatively steady. Additionally, you have difficulty verbally expressing and normalizing your emotions (emotional intelligence).

You can learn therapeutic techniques to help you modulate your emotions, which, in turn, helps you accept and understand your emotional past.

I achieved healthier emotional rhythms, and many of my clients have successfully overcome emotional dysregulation. Better regulating your emotions radiates into your immediate family and brings tremendous rewards.

The third is narrative therapy.

Narrative theory is now a form of psychotherapy that uses personal stories to understand one's experiences and problems. It was developed by an Australian social worker, Michael White, and a New Zealand family therapist, David Epston.

Their open-ended and creative approach allows people to interpret their experiences from unique perspectives. It also enables clients to reshape their identities, relationships, and personal realities.

Narrative therapy for post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is called narrative exposure therapy (NET). This therapy allows the client to experience the retelling of the trauma and distance themselves from it.

Through the narrative process, they identify problems and concerns that were unavailable to them before telling their stories.

A 2019 literature review found significant improvements in PTSD symptoms following narrative exposure therapy (NET), and these results lasted through long-range follow-ups (9–52 weeks). Overall, NET seemed more effective than other trauma-focused therapy approaches.

The strength of narrative therapy is its focus on the individual’s own skills and sense of purpose to guide them through difficult times.

A great way to do narrative therapy is to journal. When we write our stories in our journals, we tell stories about ourselves. Writing is a great way to collect your thoughts, get them out of your head, and organize them. I’m journaling now by writing this article. I also read and learned about the value of expressive writing.

Psychotherapy is another way to re-author your life’s narrative. When talking with a therapist, your perspective shifts as you rehash past events. You see them as part of a larger picture rather than shifting photo stills in your head. Talking about intimate moments with a safe person, such as a therapist, is one way to reduce the emotional charge of past events.

Healthy Lifestyles Choices that Soothe Emotions

Along with these psychological theories, I developed my own way of dealing with my untreated grief and childhood sorrow. I’ve engaged in mindfulness meditation, breath work, and hatha yoga throughout my adult life.

I worked in India for H.H. Dalai Lama XIV and learned mindfulness and breath meditation. These two forms of meditation are still with me today. I documented my experiences in a story titled Returning to Tibet to Find Happiness.

I focus on the present moment and bring my attention to the touch of my breath as it goes in and out of my nostrils. This practice helps me distance myself from memories and the emotions attached to them.

I also practice hatha yoga, which calms my mind and brings me into the here and now. The purpose is two-fold:

1. it grounds me in the present moment

2. it reinforces my present identity, not my identity as a child.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Lastly, I want to give a shout-out to cognitive behavioral therapy, my specialty. I’m a trained cognitive behavioral therapist (CBT).

This form of psychotherapy offers tools to change negative thought patterns, which most often develop when we are young. Labeling the negativity can reframe how you experience these problematic memories.

I have reframed my perceptions of my past. This reframing (for example, my mother’s inability to provide nurturance) enables me to see my past more balanced.

CBT can even act to re-parent an adult who has troubling and insufficient relational attachments. When you let go of past hurts, you reinforce self-compassion. This means loving yourself like you would someone close to you. Learning to be forgiving toward yourself is essential, hard to do, and critical to healing childhood trauma.

Takeaways

When a child experiences trauma, it is difficult for them to accept what happened and let it go. They develop coping strategies that remain habits to shield them from experiencing the same experiences as adults.

Psychotherapy is recommended to work through attachment disorders and emotional dysregulation that often come with childhood trauma.

Journaling works to collect your thoughts and get them out of your head and into the light of day. It is highly recommended for people who have struggled with emotional issues growing up.

We all carry emotional scars we wish would vanish. Working through them with awareness and acceptance enables us to turn them into personal strengths, not vulnerabilities.

Cognitive behavioral therapy and lifestyle habits such as meditation and yoga aid in managing difficult negative emotions.

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I’m a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist who’s helped 1,500+ clients overcome their anxiety issues. You may learn about my personal and professional background from this interview story.