No, You’re Not Normal (But Who Is?)

Being normal is the only thing that isn’t normal

Are my sexual kinks and urges normal? Is liking or feeling what I do normal? Am I normal? Please, tell me I’m normal!

Growing up, I gobbled up sex advice columns like a stoner would a plate of cheese nachos. I simply could not get enough. While doing so, I realized that almost every single reader sought to have the same big question answered: Am I normal?

I suspect a big reason why anyone reads these columns is that; to confirm that we are more or less normal—that there are others out there like us.

What does it mean to be normal, and, is it something to strive for?

The M-W Dictionary defines normal as conforming to a type, standard, or regular pattern: characterized by that which is considered usual, typical, or routine.

Sounds kinda boring, if you ask me?

Sure, there are things we want and need to be normal. It’s generally desired to have a body that functions more or less normally; a regular heart rate, temperature, metabolism, and so on. Some normalcy when it comes to routines like sleep pattern and working hours are generally sought after too.

But, when it comes to our sex lives, should normal be the goal?

This isn’t one of those articles trying to convince you that vanilla is bad and that only kinky sex is interesting sex. Rather, I’m here to say that I don’t believe that the vast majority are strictly vanilla at all, and if we pretend to be, there’s likely something lurking between the layers that we haven’t confronted—or we’re simply hiding it.

Wait, is that cherry jam? Krokant sprinkles? Dark chocolate and chili? —I knew it!

In a podcast I listened to recently, sex-researcher and educator Dr. Zhana was asked which question she hears most often. Not surprisingly, it was the same one: Am I normal?

Her answer confirmed my inclination:

Yes, you are (normal), because it’s most normal not be normal, meaning the only thing that is isn’t normal is to be completely normal.

Depending on what we define as normal sexual behavior, almost everyone’s into at least something that isn’t defined as such—especially if we go with the puritanical definition, where basically everything besides hetero, PIV (penis in vagina), monogamous sex with the goal of reproducing can be considered abnormal.

A multitude of surveys conducted in various Western countries (some of which I’ll reference in detail later), come up with slightly different numbers, but all seem to agree that at least 50 percent, and some report that up to 75, have at least one kink, fetish or paraphilia.

What’s the difference between kink, fetish, and paraphilia?

Before we proceed, let’s look at the definitions of the three terms:

Kink is defined as an unconventional sexual taste or behavior, but also as a clever unusual way of doing something. I like the latter a lot! A kink is something that someone enjoys and is aroused by, as part of their sexual activities, but not absolutely necessary to get off.

A fetish, on the other hand, is defined as an object or bodily part whose real or fantasied presence is psychologically necessary for sexual gratification. A fetish is therefore something that someone, to a stronger degree, depends on in order to achieve sexual gratification.

Lastly, a paraphilia is described as a pattern of recurring sexually arousing mental imagery or behavior that involves unusual and especially socially unacceptable sexual practices.

A paraphilia isn’t considered a disorder unless it causes distress or threatens to harm someone else. They range from illegal, disturbing ones that shouldn’t be normalized, the obvious ones being pedophilia, bestiality, cannibalism, and frotteurism.

Voyeurism and exhibitionism can be either harmful or harmless depending on whether or not they’re consensual—which is true for any sex act. The majority of paraphilias are rather innocent, such as podophilia (attraction to feet, which is the second most fetishized body part after genitalia) and maschalagnia (armpits). Many aren’t inherently sexual in nature, such as melolagnia (arousal by music), and metrophilia (arousal from poetry).

Based on these definitions, I’m far from normal myself and I have quite a few kinks, although no fetishes that I absolutely need. On the other hand, I do have a couple of paraphilias, but these are things I really like, and my preference for them might ebb and flow, but neither are disorders since they cause no harm.

There was a time in my life when I was too scared to either explore or admit these out of fear of not being normal, but nowadays, as I’ve realized that most others aren’t either, that fear has subsided.

When I look back at my sex life before I embraced my kinks—back when I thought my partners and I were fairly normal—I see clear signs that we weren’t, but held back out of fear. My first partner went crazy the times I wore only my heels to bed and loved massaging my feet. An unexplored case of podophilia perhaps?

My next partner was strangely obsessed with watching me pee, and often when we were drunk, he’d ask to watch up-close and even get his hands wet. This, I know now, is called Urolagnia, but was something we never talked about.

Personally, I was dying to be sexually dominated but never dared to ask. Instead, I’d literally place his hand in my hair or on my ass—requesting, without ever using words, to be pulled or spanked.

An article in Bustle mentions a survey by erotic retailer Ann Summers which looked at 2300 people living in the UK to find that 75 percent of the participants have a fetish and 28 percent have more than one. Still, 61 percent said that even though they talk about it, they feel there’s a stigma attached.

Fear is the mind-killer—and the killer of sexual satisfaction

Another survey by sex toy brand EdenFantasys which questioned 2000 Americans found that one in four had a secret sex act in mind that they hadn’t dared to tell their partner about. Further, 51 percent of the ones who reported they had a fetish or specific sexual interest admitted it takes them at least a month or longer to even bring it up with their partner. Only 14 percent of these said they’d bring it up immediately.

It seems as though, while the majority have so-called abnormal preferences of some kind, what’s holding us back from fulfilling them is fear; fear of being judged—of being ostracized. We’re scared of not being seen as normal when the truth is that most people aren’t!

The ‘kinksters’ of Medium—an inspirational list

To encourage everyone to confront their fears of appearing weird, I present you a list of other weirdos and perverts (words of adoration from me in case you wonder)—who, by the way, would probably come across as totally normal if you met them in person:

Demeter deLune Don’t get me started on my kinky vixen sister—or rather, let’s start here: A swinger, switch, ex-phone sex operator, and more than I can mention, this sultry lady has even dipped her toes in Troilism paraphilia — observing one’s partner engaged in sexual activities with another person.

Meaghan Ward She’s never tried to hide that she’s a naughty one, but when she wrote about pee play, she knocked my socks off. I learned that Omorashi is an actual thing; “Arousal from having a full bladder and/or wetting oneself, or from seeing someone else doing it” (Wikipedia).

Yael Wolfe This one’s a true wolf who’s definitely shed her sheep’s clothing through writings that prove she’s far kinkier than she might initially admit. Among other things, she poetically writes about both her Menophilia, a sexual interest in menstruation, and Lactophilia or erotic lactation — a topic that proved wildly popular.

Emma Austin She might look innocent at first glance, but don’t let it fool you! Emma has a Daddy kink and is no longer ashamed of it—and that’s only one of many abnormal things she’s into. Get on her blog and podcast for more.

Rachael Hope A polyamorous BDSM aficionado, with a love for Shibari and being bound, Rachael has many juicy kinks—many that I recognize myself in—and her writings about them are excellent!

Tess Dagger New on Medium, my friend takes masochism to the next level. Follow to read the upcoming recounts of her escapades in the BDSM world.

Other noteworthy Medium deviants are Elle Beau ❇︎, Mysterious Witt, Elle Silver, IrrespectivelyJQ, Matilda Swinney, M. C. Frances, Claire Divino, G. Charles—and many, many more (the editors of this publication included)…

I hope that you, and all of us, can stop walking around in guilt, and fear of being seen as not-normal, and, instead of shutting up out of shame, let’s start sharing our thoughts, so we can share more pleasure and be weird together!

As Dr. Seuss says:

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”

Let’s talk about sex — on the first dates or two if possible — rather than holding ourselves and others back. Let’s admit that we’re not normal, because, guess what, most people aren’t anyway… and that is normal.