This is How I Want You To Spank Me

The fine art of spanking someone into a state of euphoria

I love a good spanking.

With an emphasis on the word good.

But, not all spankings are equal

When it’s not quite right, it can be annoying, boring or just plain painful. When, on the other hand, you’re wholly immersed—when pain traverses pleasure and you reach a state where you’re so turned on you’re basically gushing—it’s nothing short of transcendent.

Why is it so? And, how can you take your spankee from the plateaus to the promised land?

To understand sexual sadomasochism, we need to realize that pleasure and pain go hand in hand and that the explanation for this is found in our brains and nervous system, where the receptors that register both are closely joined.

The BBC Future article on Why Pain Feels Good states that, “the link between pleasure and pain is deeply rooted in our biology. For a start, all pain causes the central nervous system to release endorphins — proteins which act to block pain and work in a similar way to opiates such as morphine to induce feelings of euphoria.”

The secret is in our psyche

Beyond biology, the path to pleasurable pain is found in the mind, hence, the same type of impact can be experienced differently depending on our mental state and level of arousal. This is of course true for any sexual act; we all know that penetration isn’t enjoyable, let alone possible unless we’re turned on. Further, the ‘readier’ we are, the better it gets.

With anything BDSM related, whether playing with power exchange, impact, or other sensory stimulation, it only grips me when I’m in the right mindset; when my partner and I share strong chemistry and have developed a dynamic that suits us. Personally, I’m only able to enjoy pain when I submit (sexually) to the person inflicting it.

This isn’t true for everyone, but more often than not you’ll see the ‘active’ party, the spanker, to be the one taking a more dominant role.

Since this is a head-game, you need to get in there, and the key is neither tools and toys nor gear and costumes. Instead, it’s all in your demeanor and body language, your tone of voice, and your words. Besides, there are certain gestures and triggers that can enhance the experience and keep me under your spell.

If you’re new to impact play or wish to ‘up your game’, you might want to consider the following:

Warn me

Tell me what you plan to do to me, hours, or even days in advance.

Did I do something bad? Tell me about it and how I can expect to punished. Intimidate me a little, jokingly of course, because we trust each other and know the boundaries between what’s real and what isn’t.

Your words cause me to start spinning up imagery to illustrate. Arousal builds as these dance around in my head. This way, I prepare, mentally, and physically as the longing for your touch grows stronger by the minute.

Instruct me

As the Dominant and the administer of the pain, the stage is yours. You’re the director here, and the one with the most demanding job.

I’ll be your set dresser, so pass me your set-up plan and I’ll make it happen:

You want me in lacy suspenders? A loose men’s shirt? All naked? Or should I surprise you?

I’ll wait for you, or arrive at your place, however you please (within reason, of course).

Make me wait

Anticipation is one of the most underestimated devices in your intangible sexual toolkit.

Take it slow. Put me on my toes and make me sharpen all my senses. You could blindfold me; make me listen intently to make sense of every sound. Keep me guessing:

Is that a belt? A chain? Or perhaps a set of nipple clamps?

Frighten me, but just a little, enough to make me dripping wet. Wet with anticipation. With expectation.

You’ll see how my whole being is directed towards you. Even the tiniest of hairs on my body stand up like antennae, ready to pick up the slightest signal.

Touch me, but gently

Place a hand on my naked ass that is pointed towards you. On full alert, this might make me shudder before I respond to your firm touch by arching my back against you.

I’ll move, catlike, in soft waves as you stroke your hands along the curvature of my neck, my spine, and over my ass. You’ll move close to my warm wetness—but not too close.

You’ll do this multiple times throughout the session. Your gentle, strong hand will follow strings of stinging pain; correction and reward are intrinsically intertwined. This way, I’ll stay with you all the way to the end.

Tell me I’m beautiful

Each time you caress me you’ll remind me just how beautiful you think I am. I’m your goddess, and being on my knees does not compromise that.

We’re engaged in acts of mutual worship, remember?

Keep complimenting me; tell me that I’m good, that I’m brave, and that I’m strong.

I won't let you down!

Surprise me

“SMACK!”, slap me when I least expect it and do it hard.

No, harder!

You’ll hear me sigh and moan. The surprise might make me pull away at first, but I’ll quickly slide my way back as a sign that you may proceed.

Bargain with me

Ask me how much I can take, then double my suggestion. Let’s play the ball back and forth a few times, but remain firm. Expect me to be bratty in return. Giggles are guaranteed!

We’ll meet just right of the middle: You win, because I let you, and that’s part of the game. In the end, it’s a win-win.

Make me count

We settled on twenty strikes, now make me count them.

Jeez, this is so humiliating, why does it turn me on even more?

Did I not count loud enough? Did I skip a number? Let’s start over, shall we?

Build me up

Go easy and build me up, like layer-cake, before you devour it all. Give the endorphins time to flood my flesh and then step it up, one notch at the time.

We’re climbing this hill together and you won’t reach the summit alone. If I trip and fall, you do too.

Patience, my love, patience!

Check-in with me

Pay attention to each sound and movement I make, and if ever in doubt, ask. A gentle touch and a whisper in my ear, “you good?”, is all it takes. Your tenderness does not negate your dominance—rather the contrary.

And, of course, we play with safewords! I’ll say mine whenever I need to, and doing so does not dampen the mood. Instead, you thank me for speaking up, we resolve and move on. Easy as pie.

Add other sensations

Your hand does the job, more than well enough, but occasionally other devices are fun too.

I love the feeling of the flogger and the different sensations it can produce, from its soft, tickling strokes across my back to hard hits that wrap around to bite the top of my thighs.

Paddles are nice as well, and rather mellow. The cane, on the other hand, is not for the faint-hearted. Let’s discuss all of these beforehand so we both know what we have to play with.

Reward me

When I’ve had enough, you’ll know, either from experience or because I just told you.

When we reach this point, I’ll expect my reward. But worry not; this one, too, is mutual.

Yes, you guessed it, it’s time for you to unbutton those pants. Or let me do it for you…

I’d love nothing more than to continue with some hot tips on how to fuck me, but that will have to wait until a later installment…

Final words of caution

As you let all of this sink in, keep in mind that this is a game built on a foundation of communication, trust, and consent. The power you hold in these moments is yours because I choose to give it to you, in the knowing that I can retract it, veto, and stop the scene at any time. Me choosing to be submissive in the bedroom doesn’t influence the way you treat me when we leave it, just like me telling you that you can choose my outfit for a session doesn’t give you the right to demand that I dress, shave (!!!) or behave differently in other settings—unless I specifically ask you to. K?

Ok, now that I’m sure we’re on the same page, let’s play!