Summary

The author reflects on personal financial mistakes, emphasizing the importance of communication and partnership in managing money within a marriage.

Abstract

In a personal essay, the author shares insights into his financial blunders, which surprisingly are less about the money itself and more about the approach to financial discussions and responsibilities within his marriage. He recounts three significant mistakes: overdrafting his account for gas, taking out student loans when he had a free tuition option, and failing to discuss finances openly with his wife. The author admits to adopting outdated breadwinner attitudes and avoiding money talks due to childhood influences, leading to guilt, resentment, and dishonesty. Through trial and error, he and his wife have improved their financial communication, implementing tools like You Need a Budget and regular budget check-ins to foster a healthier financial partnership.

Opinions

The author believes that his most significant financial mistake was not about the money but about the lack of open and trusting communication with his wife regarding finances.
He acknowledges that his desire to be the sole breadwinner and to avoid discussing money was rooted in his childhood experiences and a reaction to his father's behavior.
The author recognizes that his attempts to shield his wife from financial worries by taking full control actually resulted in a lack of transparency and trust.
He suggests that the repercussions of not involving his wife in financial decisions were detrimental to their relationship and his own mental health.
The author has come to appreciate the value of joint financial planning and the importance of both partners being involved and informed.
He recommends specific tools and practices, such as budgeting software and regular financial meetings, to maintain a healthy financial dialogue in a relationship.

My Worst Financial Mistake

And it has nothing to do with money.

My wife and I have recently been using a set of icebreaker prompts as an exercise to learn more about each other’s history. It’s been fun and has sparked quite a few rabbit hole conversations that would have otherwise never come up.

A question from last week was, “What is your biggest financial mistake?”

I’ve made plenty in my life, but three come to mind immediately.

My most embarrassing mistake was actively choosing to overdraft my checking account, with the accompanying $35 charge, to fill up my gas tank with $30 worth of gas.

My biggest monetary mistake was choosing to take out student loans in order to attend Butler University, a private school, when I could have gone to any state school in Indiana tuition-free due to my father being a disabled veteran.

My biggest overall mistake was not learning how to talk about money with my wife from a position of love, trust, and respect at the beginning of my marriage.

Instead, I had an approach that combined two bad financial attitudes, both of which (of course) were rooted in my childhood.

(Trying to) Be the Breadwinner

My first bad attitude the classic 1950’s assumption that the husband should be the breadwinner of the family, allowing the wife to stay at home and raise the children.

Looking back, this was definitely sourced from me being a child of divorce, raised by a single mom. My anger at my dad took on the form of rebelling by trying to be everything he wasn’t.

I would be completely present with my kids, not absent like him.
I would be completely sober, not an alcoholic like him.
I would completely financially support my family, not abandon it like him.

The unfortunate consequence of these attitudes is that I took things to the extreme opposite of his behavior, which is just as unhealthy. Sometimes it’s worse, since we can be under the impression that we’re “doing the right thing.”

(For a deeper dive, read No More Mr. Nice Guy.)

Without getting too deep into my psyche, I was so focused earning enough money that I lost sight of how I could actually be a good husband and father.

There were multiple repercussions of this tunnel vision.

I put undue pressure on myself to advance my career and increase my salary to the level necessary for the stay-at-home-mom arrangement.
When I didn’t attain that income level, I was wracked with guilt that I was failing as a husband, a father, and a man.
I didn’t support Amelia the way she needed, especially the first couple of years of marriage and parenthood.
I ignored that Amelia truly enjoys her work and didn’t desire to be a stay at home mom in the traditional sense.

I was not a good partner those first few years.

Husband Knows Best

The second bad attitude I had was that I didn’t talk with Amelia about our financial goals or how to reach them. Reaching back again to my childhood, this probably stemmed from a) seeing my mom always worried about money and b) seeing her pretend it wasn’t a problem.

I tried my damnedest to mimic that nonchalance so Amelia wouldn’t be anxious about our finances. Ultimately, my attitude was quite selfish, as I didn’t want to feel the discomfort that comes with having the kind of hard money talks that all couples need to have.

Just like my previous attitude, my lack of communication completely backfired.

It cut her off from giving her own financial input.
It silenced her emotional status from the financial conversation.

The result of my foolish choices was that Amelia felt like she couldn’t talk to me about money without getting into an argument. And she was right. I was (and still am, to some degree) as stubborn as a mule.

So instead of trying to change something she had no control over, she decided to just let me have full responsibility of our finances. At first I was delighted (yes, I was kind of an ass), but then I started to really feel the burden of managing our finances that rested squarely on my shoulders.

That burden turned into misplaced resentment, which, when combined with the guilt I felt as described above, turned into lying about our overall financial health.

That lying caught up to me years later when I had made a didn’t tell her the true balance of our credit card. As has happened to liars throughout history, the person being lied to ultimately found the truth.

The worst part wasn’t the money that we owed.

The worst part was that I had broken her trust, and it would take a long time before I would start to get it back.

It has taken years of trial and error, with so many errors on my part, but we have gotten much better at communicating about money.

We use You Need a Budget to track our expenses and plan for the future.
We have one credit card for cash back, the Costco Citi card.
We have weekly budget check-ins on Sunday afternoons.

Most importantly, we are talk constantly about what we buy, what we save, and what our financial future looks like.

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This article is for informational purposes only, it should not be considered Financial or Legal Advice. Not all information will be accurate. Consult a financial professional before making any major financial decisions.