TRANSGENDER
My ‘Sudden Decision’ Took Years
It wasn’t a bombshell to me
KAPOW!
Has anyone ever dropped a huge bombshell on you? Something that completely blindsided you? Something that you had no idea about and didn’t see coming? Something that seemed way too big and too important to be so rashly decided? And there they are, just smiling, like they haven’t just dropped a huge bombshell on you?
And how did you react to that bombshell? Did you congratulate them? Did you get excited with them? Did you ask questions about their journey to find out more? Or did you ask them if they’d thought it through? Did you tell them they need to slow down? Did you ask them when this thing happened and follow that up by asking why they didn’t tell you sooner?
So far, when I tell people I am on T, I have received two reactions.
1. Congratulations, that’s amazing
- This is from the trans community. The ones I turned to for help in figuring things out.
- This is from trans friends. The ones I turned to when I wasn’t sure about anything.
- This is from my therapist. The one who knows me more intimately and deeply than any other in only one hour a fortnight.
- This is from my best friend. The one who has been on this journey with me, having her own unique yet parallel life-changing discoveries. One who can’t fully understand but knows she doesn’t need to.
- This is from virtual strangers on TikTok. The ones that have watched me share my vulnerability in the quest to understand myself. The ones that have offered advice and encouragement. Even the ones that have only seen one video and accept what I am saying as my truth.
2. Why?
- This is from people I didn’t trust with my journey. The ones I suspected may try to tell me all the reasons why this was a phase or ‘not real’.
- This is from friends I did trust with snippets of my journey. The ones who never asked questions so I didn’t provide details.
- This is from those who gave me a reason to pause. Those for whom I dropped little one-liners to test their reactions, and it didn’t go well. If I’ve still told them in spite of that, it’s because I have faith in their inherently good heart and that the gap between ignorance and acceptance is small.
The point is that something that seems sudden, like a big change, a rash decision, rarely is. Those who responded with excitement understand that — they see me as I am. Those that have responded with confusion or questions (and I don’t mean curiosity because I’m all for that, I mean questioning my path), are seeing me as their vision of me and therefore, this seems like a big change, to them. It forces them to question their own assumptions, beliefs, ideals, values as they are instantly bombarded with these new ideas in the form of internal dialogue.
It’s only a bombshell to you
I understand and respect that for those that weren’t ‘ready for it’, some time is needed. After all, everything has shifted very quickly. I don’t expect instant acceptance and understanding. But here’s the thing, I never expected them to, and that's why they were blindsided by this perceived bombshell. I needed to protect myself first and surround myself with the people that would nurture me before I could risk my own mental health by sharing with those who I suspected would need extra time to understand. And it’s not even that I was scared of their reactions, it was that I was scared that I wasn’t yet strong enough to stay my own course in the verbalization of their reactions.
“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”
Because I didn’t trust you to let me explore this in the way I needed to and I didn’t trust myself to not allow you to easily sway me.
If someone drops a ‘bombshell’ on you, remember that it might only be a bombshell to you and your reaction will tell you more about why it was a bombshell than have any bearing on the actual conversation. If it’s a bombshell to you, it’s because we needed to gather strength to be able to share that part of us with you. Perhaps ask yourself why that is instead of asking us why we are doing something you don’t understand yet. Usually, we’re happy to help you understand or you probably wouldn’t have ever known.
A sudden decision that took a lifetime to make
Something like going on T is a long thought process. It is not something you wake up one morning and think, you know what, I feel like doing something crazy, let’s be a man. Like really, is that what people think happens — because sometimes it seems like it.
My brain works at a rapid pace, particularly with self-exploration and discovery. I seek opportunities to unpack the things I was taught and to get back to my barest soul of truth. I couldn’t tell you the number of hours I’ve spent with countless life coaches and I’ve worked with two professional therapists since I began questioning. I’m also a writer and I explore myself through my characters. The point of this is to emphasize that my own journey is extremely time compacted because when I started questioning, I’d already developed these skills and when I began working with my two therapists, it was like self-discovery in warp speed. And it still took me ten months of conscious focus to reach the point of starting T. I say conscious because I’d been unconsciously processing the journey my entire life. Still, when I had my prescription filled, I had a complete Trans Freak-Out. Writing is my way to unpack my thoughts and feelings, so of course, I wrote an article about it.
There’s also the possibility that we didn’t tell you because we didn’t WANT you to make it a big deal but that seems like a whole other article.
A bombshell is not always the bombshell it seems. If we approach life and others with openness and curiosity, if we show those around us that no matter what they say, do, think, feel, need, or want, we will still love them unconditionally, then perhaps, we’ll be a part of their journey from the beginning. And wouldn’t that be nice?
