WRITING

Character Reflections

Learning about life through my characters

TW: Talk of characters as personas that may be triggering to some with DID.

I feel my shoulders tense and lift, my head tilt forward oh so slightly, and my chest tightens, all the while a smile lifts the corners of my lips. Anxiety is kicking in and then, I speak. And I repeat myself on a loop.

“Jasper, stop,” says Kristy Westaway, my fellow writer, honourary therapist, and all-around amazing person. She knows. She knows my characters almost as well as I do — hell, sometimes she seems to know them even better! When one of my characters takes over the human meat vessel that is me, Kristy knows who it is… and why.

Jasper is the one with anxiety (among other things). Mark is over the top and flamboyant. Harvey says the weirdest thing. Anastasia says the creepiest things. Baz is a little slow to get the joke. Adam is like a labrador puppy full of wonder. Marcus is a little too literal. Thor (yes, his name is Thor) is the Master of euphemisms. And the list goes on. Easily over 100 and they all have their quirks.

And they are all parts of me. Parts that were hidden. Parts I needed to explore, or at least, in the case of Jasper, parts I needed to allow and accept. Every character I encounter no matter how small the part they play in the story is a reflection or an insight — sometimes, one I’m not yet ready to consciously acknowledge. I think I’d like to unpack that a little further, who knows what I’ll find. Let me give you a bit more of an idea of what I mean by starting right now. Let’s unpack. Deep breath. And let’s go.

Meet Thor

First Strike Series — Book 2: Holding the Line (coming soon)

I just rolled a D20 to see who I’ll start with and I am not surprised at all that it landed on Thor. He’s very prominent in my mind even though his book was written in December and his book series (First Strike) is finished.

Well, no, you are right Thor, I still have to edit and publish it, but what I call the Yeet Draft (you know, yeet those words out of your head and onto the paper) is done.

What have I learned about myself through Thor?

Everything is a Euphemism

Yes, Thor has taught me to embrace my 12-year-old boy brain and turn everything into an eggplant joke. But wait, didn’t I do that before? Oh, right, I sort of did, but it was shut down because it was very ‘unladylike’. Ugh! Insert a well-timed referral back to the whole gender journey thing I’ve got going on (visit my About Me page for more on that). Ultimately, through his quick-but-dirty-wit, Thor has reminded me not to take things so seriously but also release the shame of not playing the feminine role the ways others wanted me to. Cheers Thor!

Internal strength

The part of me that is Thor, has an internal strength I thought I was incapable of displaying. When I struggled with setting boundaries with others and even more so, with enforcing them, Thor was the one that stepped forth and helped me chill out. He wasn’t necessarily the one that held me as I demanded respect for my boundaries, but he was the one that was there to remind me it was only as big a deal as I told myself it was. Thor made me smile through the anxiety and panic. Thor made me shrug and ask myself why the hell I was getting so worked up over something that was simply a reflection of another person’s expectations that I could never meet. He reminded me that I had no control over someone else’s opinion of me and more so, it didn’t matter. Thor was the one that taught me that boundaries are easy — state them, hold them, decide if and when they change, and expect them to be respected. And give the same respect to others. Simple. Thanks, Thor.

Love is Love

Thor taught me that love really is love. Chosen family is the ultimate in unconditional love. Thor and his brother and sister were all adopted by a gay couple and the love they hold for each other is pure and absolute. Thor showed me what family could and should look like.

What Does it all Mean?

There is a theme in the lessons Thor gave me and continues to impart. Chill out, honor yourself, and love unconditionally. As tends to be the way, his lessons arrived just when I needed them and just before I could see them. As I edit his story, even I, the writer, see it through a different lens and take value from it at a whole new level because since I wrote the words, I have grown. Thor, and those that came after him, have imparted their wisdom and helped me become better. And to think, it was all in me the whole time, I just needed the character to step outside of me and tell the story.

Reflecting on Personal Growth

This is how I learn about myself. This is how I manage my experiences and find those hidden parts of me that all come together to create my ultimate upgrade. It works for me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wonder about others. I feel like everyone has their own way of learning and growing and I suppose it makes sense that it would be through their own passion and that could be anything for anyone. I can speak on my own experience and reflections, but I’m not here to gatekeep anyone else’s experience. Do you relate?

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