Summary

The author describes the emotional turmoil and triggers experienced due to her partner's past abusive behavior and how it affects their current relationship dynamics amidst his battle with alcoholism, efforts at sobriety, and a recent cancer diagnosis.

Abstract

The author, in a candid personal narrative, details the complexities of her long-term relationship with a partner who is significantly older and has a history of alcoholism and abusive behavior. Despite his efforts to change and the added stress of a cancer diagnosis, the author struggles with emotional triggers that stem from past trauma. These triggers manifest physically and emotionally whenever her partner raises his voice, even if it's not directed at her. The author reflects on the damage done, acknowledging her growth and her partner's attempts to make amends, but remains uncertain about the future of their relationship due to the ongoing impact of her trauma. The quarantine period has intensified these challenges, forcing constant interaction and highlighting the difficulties of healing from deep-seated emotional wounds.

Opinions

The author feels that her partner's voice triggers an intense physical and emotional response due to past abuse.
Despite her partner's efforts to change, including achieving sobriety and attempting to make amends, the author's trauma persists.
The author has experienced significant personal growth, which has altered the dynamic of the relationship and prompted her partner to confront his past behavior.
The author questions whether staying in the relationship is beneficial to her mental health, considering the possibility of gaslighting herself into believing the relationship can be salvaged.
The author draws a parallel between the need to eliminate harmful foods for physical health and the potential need to remove harmful relationships for mental and emotional well-being.
The author acknowledges the reality of her situation, recognizing that her partner's actions have caused lasting damage and that recovery may be a long-term process, if possible at all.
The author expresses a desire for a resolution but also a fear of confronting the potential end of the relationship, especially given the shared experiences and their child.

My Partner’s Voice Triggers Me

Yeah, it’s a huge problem

During these quarantine days, my partner has been reading aloud with our son. The idea is not just to get our child to improve his reading skills, but for the two of them to spend some quality time together.

However, from time to time, my partner corrects our son’s pronunciation. Typically, it’s just a comment, but, on occasion, he raises his voice a little bit too much for my comfort.

That’s when I feel it.

A weight on my chest. My arms feel heavy and strangely weak. My heart rate shoots up, and my breathing becomes shallow. My mind becomes unfocused . . .

I’ve just been triggered.

Backstory

My partner and I have been together for almost two decades now. He is 22 years older than me, so, in the beginning, there was this weird dynamic with him as the expert. He was the boss, the experienced one, the person with all of the answers.

Then some shitty stuff happened. And, yeah, I let it. He got drunk every day, screamed at me, threw stuff around, and shouted some more.

At the end of each yelling episode, he would typically conclude, “you made me do that.” He would then add, “you don’t motivate me enough me to stop.”

For years, I believed him. He even cheated on me…somehow I thought that had been my fault too. I wasn’t everything he needed me to be.

I spiraled down into depression, suicidal thoughts, and a food addiction that destroyed my health. No, this wasn’t all his fault, but I do know my relationship with him played a significant role.

However, as time went by, something inevitable happened: I grew up.

Suddenly, I was no longer a silly twenty-something. I am now a mature woman who has opinions of her own.

That has given him reasons to pause.

He decided to make an effort to battle his alcoholism. It hasn’t been an easy fight. He has struggled and has evolved as a person to manage his addiction.

Eventually, he succeeded.

If this were a movie, this would be the moment when the screen fades to black, and the credits start rolling. “And they lived happily ever after…”

But this is real life.

A Truce

Although we have entered a new era in our relationship, his sobriety hasn’t fixed things between us. There was still a lot of crap to discuss.

As a consequence of his withdrawal, he was in a shitty mood almost all of the time. Aware that he was going through an even more precarious time, I tried to be understanding.

I put up with more yelling, name-calling, and passive-aggressive comments. I kept telling myself it was all for a good reason, that at the end of this horrible ordeal, he would get better and we would be smiling.

Months went by, and they ended up turning into years.

I worked on my mental and physical health. The way my body changed astonished him, and he was even more surprised by my determination to improve my self-esteem.

He felt threatened. He loudly accused me of planning to cheat on him…why would I be getting in shape otherwise? I had to kindly remind him that the only cheating that had occurred here hadn’t been done by me…

Sigh…

We had long discussions as the future of our relationship hung precariously by a thread. I have to admit that if it weren’t for our son, I would have left a long time ago. Realizing this was a big clue to how seriously fucked up things had become. A child shouldn’t be the only reason for two people to stay together…

We agreed on terms of a truce. We would try, one more time, to make things work, to see if there was anything that could be done. And then, as if on cue, a cancer diagnosis came into our lives.

His cancer diagnosis.

Triggers

So, yeah…turns out he has a serious disease that could kill him in the next couple of years.

That should give one some perspective, right?

As he became aware of his precarious condition, he increased his efforts to fix his past mistakes. To correct his many screw-ups.

To gain my love back…

I can see the pain in him, how he wishes he could go back and change many of the decisions he made. There are, of course, two issues with that:

One, he can’t change the past.

And two, he keeps triggering me, over and over again.

He can be talking on the phone or yelling at a contestant in a game show for making a stupid mistake or trying to help our son. It doesn’t matter — once his voice reaches a particular volume and inflection, my body reacts. It doesn’t matter if I can see he is not really angry; I react all the same.

It gets worse if he is talking directly to me, you know, in the conversations couples usually have. And if he actually gets angry, I end up a crying mess…

At first, I felt terribly guilty about this. Didn’t I agree to give this a chance? Didn’t I say I had forgiven him? Was that just a lie? Am I just trying to punish him?

However, as I considered my reactions, I’ve come to see the damage done is real and permanent. I’m not making it up. He did and said terrible things. Stuff that has scarred me for life.

My trauma is pretty much his creation, aided by the pain of the abuse I experienced as a child, a fact he was well aware of yet ignored.

How long will it take me to recover? I have no idea. What I do know is that he has no right to demand a magical fix to my wounded heart, mind, and soul.

It is what it is. It is what he did…

The Truth

Fun fact: no one wants this stuff to go away more than I do. Especially now that, thanks to this quarantine life, we have to be together pretty much 24/7. The constant ups and downs are terrible for my mental health.

At moments, I wonder…should I just call it quits? Embrace defeat? What if I’m guilty of gaslighting myself into believing there’s a solution in sight? Am I clinging to something that no longer exists?

I think I have the answers…but I am too scared to say them aloud, to type them into life.

All of this is especially amusing when I think of all the stuff I quit to benefit my physical health: I said goodbye to sugars, to carbs…and I did it because I knew they were terrible for me.

I did it because they were killing me.

I see how our combined efforts to fix what has gone wrong between us keeps getting swallowed up into a vast black hole. The damage has been so considerable that we no longer seem able to escape its voracious vortex. Do I have it in me, can I be courageous enough, to do for my mind and heart the same thing I did to have a healthy body? Do I have the strength to let go of what seems only to bring me harm?

I wonder.

Author’s note: I’ve always made it a point to read and answer all responses, but I hope it is understandable that this time, it’s likely I won’t. Thank you.