All the Food I Want to Eat

It’s a long list. And it keeps on getting longer

Lemon pie ice cream

Mexican wedding cookies

Milk candy

Marshmallow fruit salad

Corn Flakes with milk

I keep a list of unhealthy foods I want to eat. It started as a bucket list.

I used to think, One day, I’ll have a healthy diet. But, before that, I had to enjoy everything the world offered me to eat.

I’ll just taste this, and that…and that’ll be it. Which, of course, was a lie. It never ends. Companies keep creating new crap: as long as we keep on eating it, they will keep on making it. And I felt the need to try it all.

It’s about enjoying life, I would think.

And then there was the case of the “classic” foods. Stuff I had been eating for years: eating them was a tradition, a must-do. My routine would not be complete without them. For example, going to the movies without getting a caramel /cheddar cheese popcorn mix?

What? Did I even go to the movies then?

Churros

Pink cotton candy

Powdered milk (I used to eat it dry, by the spoonful)

A Hershey’s Gold bar

Mesquite BBQ flavored chips

I did this for years. “Enjoying” life.

Don’t get me wrong. I did enjoy it. And these foods, they were a part of it. There’s the joy of sharing a tasty chocolate bar with a loved one. Of splitting a cupcake in half to share it with a friend.

But it wasn’t supposed to be about the food. Allegedly, this was about interacting with the other person. But my brain only wanted the chemical reaction the sugar brought.

Coconut fudge and caramel cookies

Chocolate covered marzipan

Vanilla cupcakes

A bowl of Raisin Bran

A box of Junior Mints

“Insulin resistance,” the doctor said.

“What?”

“You have insulin resistance,” he repeated. “If you are not careful, soon you could be a diabetic.”

My father is a diabetic. And his mother died because of it, I remembered.

The doctor looked at me.

“And you are now 207 pounds. You should be between 132 to 141.”

“But…”

He looked at me again.

Obviously, I didn’t listen to him.

Canned peaches

Sugar donuts

Granola

A few Reese’s cups…ok, lots of Reese’s cups

Cajeta-filled cake

One day, I hurt my neck, the consequence of a bump on the head made worse by decades of poor posture.

I started taking lots of pain medication. Soon I also needed antiacids. And I kept on eating even though I wasn’t hungry.

I deserve this, I kept on telling myself.

I felt nothing when I was eating. I was also spending a ton of money on junk food, and I was hiding the food, the wrappings, and all of the evidence. I would do my best to find the time to eat without people watching me: I didn’t want anybody to know.

And yes, whenever I ate, there was no satisfaction: there was just a huge void.

They call it Binge Eating Disorder.

Great. Another thing to be ashamed about.

A Cadbury Fruit and Nut bar

A ham and cheese sandwich, made with white bread

Jalapeño flavored chips

Fruit filled cookie bars

Cheesecake covered in strawberry jam

The neck pain was my undoing. I would have to spend hours in bed, not moving, not even able to read because holding a book in front of my face hurt too much.

You can say anything you want about me, but you have to give me at least two things: I get things done, and I’m a reader.

The neck pain was taking both things away from me.

I had to fix it.

I educated myself on how to mend my neck, on how to improve my posture. And I had to accept the truth: to improve my health, to truly get the energy I wanted, I had to change what I ate.

It was a funny moment. Being skinny was the last thing on my mind. All I wanted was to feel better.

That’s when I started the list.

Starbucks chocolate cake

Oreo chocolate bar

A box of Oreos

Snickers

Chocolate chips cookies

I told myself I would go on the mother of all binge-eatings. I would eat all of the foods on the list and then let them go. So, whenever one of those foods came to mind, I would write them down.

It started with a few items.

But the list kept on getting longer, and longer, and longer…

I tried to do it a couple of times. But it was too much food. I couldn’t stomach it.

And then I realized…

I didn’t really want to eat all of this stuff. I just didn’t.

It felt like a duty. Something I had to do to prove…what? To whom?

Why?

After a few false attempts, I finally cut ties with junk food. We no longer hang on together. I heard she keeps dating a whole bunch of people, but I have decided not to care anymore.

A Hershey’s Milk Chocolate with Almonds bar

Smoked almonds

A bowl of Frosted Flakes

A Gansito (Mexican people will know what this is)

Rocky Road ice cream

I still have the list.

I keep it on my phone as a memo.

I guess it is a memo.

It’s there to help me remember the things I have chosen not to have.

I know some people think I’m being overly dramatic. “Come on, it’s just food. One bite won’t kill you”.

The problem with Binge Eating Disorder is that it isn’t viewed as an actual issue. To most people, we are just a bunch of fatties who can’t keep their mouths shut and who aren’t willing to do a few push-ups. And since it is so misunderstood, most people prefer not to share this side of them with their fellow humans.

They just wouldn’t get it.

However, it shouldn’t be necessary to explain oneself every time one wishes to have (or not to have) a bite. The food police needs to stay at home.

For example, a few days ago, there was a little birthday celebration at the teachers’ lounge at the school I work in. There was cake…

I was eating my (now) usual keto salad. Someone brought a piece of cake and placed it in front of me. I said, “no, thank you.”

The whole room stopped.

“What? Come on! You can't live on just salad!”

“I know, I also brought some steak, I’m having it later.”

“But it’s just a piece of cake…”

“No, thank you.”

Silence.

Bit by bit, the conversation went back to normal.

This was not the first time this has happened, and it won’t be the last.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m grateful that people include me in their celebration. But I have chosen to try to engage with my fellow humans in ways that not necessarily depend on consuming lots of sugary foods.

My health depends on it.

Not having cake turns me into a bad colleague?

I guess I’m going to have to deal with that.

Some people tell me I could consume the “healthy” versions of these comfort foods. You know, the ones sweetened with monk fruit or stevia…but I know how my brain works. The second it tastes something sweet, it is going to want more.

I know it because I have already experimented with these so-called healthy sweeteners. They probably work just fine for other people. For me? Disaster. They only make me crave the actual sugary thing.

Therefore, no sweets for me.

“But isn’t it hard?”

Well, yeah. It is.

But it was harder feeling like crap day in and day out. Trying to fill the void and failing miserably at it.

Now I own my health. I gained back bit by bit.

Bite by bite?

Maybe…

As I said, I still have the list.

It used to be a list of the foods I wanted to eat. Now it’s a list of the foods I actively choose to avoid.

I keep on adding items. Just last night, I watched an ad for Little Debbie’s Chocolate Cupcakes. I looked at them and thought, they do look delicious. They are on the list now.

Will I ever have junk food again?

I don’t know. Don’t think so. I feel so well now, so healthy, that seems stupid to tempt fate.

I don’t have everything figured out. I don’t have all of the answers, nor is my road fully mapped out.

It’s true what they say. You have to take it one day at a time. Thinking about the rest of my eating life seems too exhausting. In the meantime, I’ll keep on adding items to the list and coming out with excuses so overly nosy people will get off my back.

And I’ll do my best to chill. To relax, so food will just be a source of nourishment instead of a cause for anxiety.

This is the path I’m on, and I will keep on walking at my own pace, on my own terms…but yeah, I must admit, in my back pocket, I still carry the list.