I Have Daddy Issues

I must confess

Here I come before you, my fellow humans, to confess: I have daddy issues. Serious, disturbing daddy issues.

It all started when I was a kid. And it is all, of course, my father’s fault.

He was a very mean daddy.

He demanded perfection. I was to have excellent grades. I was always to behave flawlessly, never even daring spill a drop of water. I was to help Mom keep the house clean, along with my sisters. I was to be thin.

Any deviation from the norm resulted in hair pulling, getting hit with his belt or a shoe, or name-calling. In fact, “disgusting pig” was his favorite nickname for me, although he did sometimes call me a cow, just to shake things up.

And when things went according to plan? Well, there was no reward. Not a single word of encouragement or love.

It was my duty to be perfect. Who did I think I was? I did not deserve to hear words such as “I love you, kid.”

Nope.

I don’t need a degree in Psychology to know this is at the heart of my attraction to older men. My husband? He is 22 years older than me. And before him, I was attracted to a man who was 24 years my elder…and before him, a man who was 49 when I was 18. Well, at least the situation improved by a few years, didn’t it?

That’s not all. I also have to confess I crave men’s approval. I need to know they sanction what I’m doing, whether it is how well I perform at work or the way I look.

For example, if a coworker raises his voice at me or somehow shows me he’s not pleased with the way I do things, I instantly get scared and will go out of my way to make sure he is happy with my behavior.

I can’t stand it when a man is angry at me.

You see, when we are kids, our brains get programmed in the ways of the world around us. This is what my mind learned: “Father figure angry, bad! You are in danger! Must fix fast!”

It’s a crappy software to have in your head.

As the years went by, I have made an effort to change. I have decided to empower myself and stick to what I want, not what I think will get me to be appreciated by men. It’s going so-so. I have managed to piss off many men, including my husband, several times. “You are changing!” he says, so I guess things are going according to plan.

Here’s how I do it: I listen to what my brain wants me to do, and then go in the opposite direction. Also, I must fake confidence while I’m doing it. This requires a lot of acting because I’m typically peeing my pants, but I trust I will fake it till I make it. For example, right now, as I write this, there’s a voice in my head telling me to delete the whole thing. “Dad could get angry if he read this,” the voice says.

Therefore, I must go ahead and send this thing as fast as possible. Right now, I’m on a mission to uninstall the keep-daddy-happy program. I confess I’m still finding out how to do it. Therefore, when you decide on my penance, I ask you to be firm and yet, kind.

After all, you are not my daddy…