This Is How You Won the Fight but Killed Our Relationship

A letter to him

It was yet another discussion.

You said stuff. I told my piece too. Still, we were getting nowhere.

I was pissed because it seemed that all of the housework was my sole responsibility. After all, even though I have to work long hours on my computer to teach online, I don’t have to drive to work anymore. That means I have a lot of free time, right?

Yeah, I was being sarcastic up there.

We had gotten to that part of the discussion in which ideas are not being passionately interchanged anymore. I kept trying to get back to the original topic, but it was no use.

This was a full-on fight. Throughout the years, I have realized that our fights require a winner, even if we both end up losing something at the end.

The Dispute

Once you are in quarreling mode, it isn’t easy to regain control. It’s time to bring out the best/worst weapons. Nothing is off the table, especially because you know I try to play fair…I don’t want you to accuse me of being a bitch.

Not only that, in the past I allowed you to see my most vulnerable side, which in moments like this becomes a huge advantage. Finally, a chance to weaponize my secrets, the stuff I have only let you see.

How foolish of me…

You brought up my neediness — how I ache to feel loved. You also thought this was an excellent time to remind me I’m a control freak, since I always micromanage everything and everyone.

Oh, and let’s not forget that issue about my body weight… that’s an all-time favorite. “If you did more household chores, you would lose weight faster.” Hmmm, guess that’s one way to look at it.

This was no longer about the original issue, but, at this point, who cared?

This was about winning!

Volume and Posture

The words coming out of your mouth were important, yes. But that wasn’t all. There was also the matter of how you delivered the message.

You were screaming loud enough to make me shiver. A door opening to my right let me know our son could hear you all the way to his bedroom. To strengthen your point, you made some of your words come out in a snarl, only to be followed by shouting strings of incoherent thoughts.

Now, let’s not forget, body language is key.

And, damn! You do know how to use your body! You kept on taking little steps towards me, bit by bit, until my back was against the wall. You curled your hands up in fists. You clenched your jaw.

Because you wanted extra points, you turned around to throw away whatever was on the kitchen counter.

This was a crucial point, one that showed all of your talents. For some time now, you have been quite aware of my fear of physical confrontation. You know how it brings back memories from the time my parents would kick the crap out of me. You know that I will stop thinking; instead, my brain will revert to a primal state, focusing only on finding a way to diminish the pain and survive this encounter. It won’t care about anything else.

You tried to keep a straight face, but, for a moment, you let out a smirk. You saw tears in my eyes, how my body hunched over, and my hands started to tremble.

That’s when you knew you had won. Congratulations!

Aftermath

Sadly, there was no one there to grant you a medal. It would have been nice, wouldn’t it? Also, having a physical reminder of your victories would probably help you keep your self-confidence. Maybe then you wouldn’t need to win so often.

Even though you didn’t get a medal, you were still able to collect the spoils of your victory: I have learned to keep my mouth shut.

That’s the great lesson I acquired: say nothing, do not protest, keep your thoughts to yourself.

But, sadly for you, there are other learnings I have procured.

I understand now that I have to keep secrets from you. No longer will I let you know everything about me. If I do, what could prevent you from using it against me?

Also, whenever I disagree with you, I must plaster a smile on my face. I have to learn to say, “yes, darling,” even though I know that’s not the way to go. I must remember that, when you ask for my opinion, that is only a simulation.

The only acceptable answer is “yes.”

Lastly, I’m to lead a double life. In the one you get to see, you are my king and champion, the one I look up to in adoration and obedience. In the other one, I’m building an escape tunnel, a plan to get away from you, and never again have to see your face.

I do congratulate you, dear. I know you will accumulate many victories in the time we have left together. I hope they comfort you when I’m gone, never to return.

Tell me, what does it feel to be such a spectacular winner?