Mixed Signals Are Negative Signals In Disguise. Here’s Why
You deserve someone who gives you clear, consistent signals.
Most of us have dated someone who makes us feel special and suddenly gets distant. Someone who seems genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship with us, but also keeps sending mixed signals.
Things get even more complicated when we seem to attract this kind of partner over and over again.
Sometimes, we’re so used to this emotional roller-coaster that we normalize it. We believe inconsistent behavior is normal, or at least, expectable. We believe relationships are supposed to be unstable.
Here’s the problem: that’s not how healthy relationships work, and that’s not how emotionally mature people behave.
In Healthy Relationships, There Are No Mixed Signals
In healthy relationships, there’s a sense of trust and consistency. It doesn’t matter if you’re in the early stages of dating, or if you’ve been together for years. You know you’re respected regardless of the circumstances.
In healthy relationships, the signals you receive are clear. There are no mind games. Both of you feel free to effectively communicate your feelings, needs, and expectations.
Most importantly, in healthy relationships, you know what you’re getting yourself into. You know if your expectations are aligned with the expectations of your partner. You know if your partner is able to give you the commitment you desire — because you know you’re worthy of that commitment.
If you’re dating someone who’s not consistent, that’s not a sign you should try to “fix them” or “earn their love”. It’s a sign they’re not able to meet your needs.
Maybe they’re going through a tough period, maybe they’re emotionally unavailable, or maybe they have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that they’re not able to give you what you need and deserve.
Once you understand this, navigating these relationships becomes much easier.
You Deserve Someone Who Gives You Clear, Consistent Signals
At the end of the day, it all comes down to our sense of worthiness.
More often than not, when we normalize mixed signals and inconsistency, it’s because we don’t feel worthy of a secure partner who shows love consistently — or we don’t think it’s possible to have a loving, healthy, committed relationship.
As John Bowlby said, “we do as we have been done by”. In other words, our ability to love and be loved is highly influenced by the love we’ve received, especially from our caregivers. That’s the main premise behind attachment theory.
If our caregivers showed love consistently, then we expect other people to show love consistently.
If we grew up in a loving environment where our boundaries were respected and our individuality was encouraged and appreciated, then that’s exactly what we expect from our friends and partners.
If, on the other hand, we grew up in a home filled with chaos and conflict, where our needs were rarely met, then we normalize not having our needs met. Or, if our parents showed loved inconsistently, then we expect love to be inconsistent and unreliable.
Now, here’s what I want you to know: you get to choose the kind of love you deserve.
And you deserve to be loved consistently. You deserve to receive clear, consistent signals.
You deserve someone who’s not afraid to go deeper. Someone who’s not afraid to love every little part of you. Someone who will give you the reassurance you need, as well as the space to process your emotions.
You deserve someone who does not make you feel like you’re “too much”.
“We’re all constantly absorbing information from the world around us — even though it usually is an unconscious process.
When something happens, we immediately create corresponding beliefs, and depending on how strong the experience is, these beliefs become a part of our identity.
From that point on, we’ll see life from the eyes of these beliefs — and the more we believe in them, the more we’ll get into situations and relationships that reinforce them. It’s a vicious cycle that only comes to an end once we consciously stop the process.”
Mixed signals should not be normalized. They should be a red flag that helps you realize you need to leave that person behind (this is particularly important to understand if you have an anxious attachment style).
Your partner should be your secure base — not the person who reinforces your anxiety and unworthiness.
So next time you’re dating someone that gives you mixed signals, re-read this as many times as you need to, and remind yourself that you deserve much better than that.
