Men: Don’t Conflate Proximity with Intimately Connecting

Or: How My Weekend Got Hijacked by Men With Poor Boundaries

Yes, I have several of *those* stories of when men become too aggressive or very quickly sexually suggestive toward me when we have not remotely gotten to that level of connection. And I’m not just talking about guys who aggressively try to dance with women out at bars and clubs. And sadly, all-too-many women have these kinds of stories.

I don’t write to be a Debbie Downer or to shame men, but to shed light on the situation. Yes, men may be “hard-wired” to pursue, but let’s not forgive uncivilized behavior when, as I’ve written about before, women deserve a baseline level of respect.

As I rhetorically asked in my “Why Is It Harder to Earn Respect as a Woman?” piece, “Why is it so hard to not feel disrespected on an everyday basis as a woman? Could it be that it’s because some level of disrespect toward women is embedded in the very fabric of our culture?” This reminds me once when I was dancing with a friend at a rooftop day party in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and this guy basically just put his hands on me after admiring me nearby for awhile. To this, I’d responded, trying to be humorous but also to assert my boundaries, “Civilization happened, remember?” But alas, men conveniently “forget” about civilization or acting civilized when they feel attracted to someone.

It’s even a part of our culture to largely overlook this trend, explaining it as characteristic of nightlife energy or the dating scene. Yet explaining away overly aggressive behavior will not justify it or make it ok.

This past Friday, I went out dancing, and a friend of a friend was immediately super aggressive in his intimacy. He insinuated that, as our mutual friend was sexually experienced, I must be as well. (Afterward, she explained that he was just an acquaintance, but she’d not warned me about him prior to inviting me to come meet her/them.) Next thing I know, he shows me a picture of his dick on Reddit (I cannot make this stuff up) and several of the Reddit groups he follows (with names like CheapSluts). Let’s just say I managed to seem agreeable and then literally fled (ending my night early as I couldn’t continue my night in the venue).

Well, I told myself, that was screwed up how my evening was hijacked, but I’d have a better night the following evening. The next evening I’d been invited by a client of my health coaching business to see LCD SoundSystem with him. As I was thrilled to see the show, I agreed, especially as this guy, let’s call him “C.,” emphasized that he wasn’t expecting anything from me, it was just a show and he just needed someone to go with.

A red flag emerged when C. then revealed in a message that he liked to cross-dress sometimes and asked me if I’d help him choose his outfit for the show. I showed that I was supportive but deflected when it came to actually take the time to help him coordinate his outfit. Thankfully for me, C. was quick to respond, “Never mind. Don’t worry about it.” Ok, so I told myself things would be cool.

I did try to convince another male friend of mine to come to the show, explaining my situation to him, but to no avail. Let’s just say that while C. showed up in normal everyday attire, he did not exactly behave himself at the show. He didn’t whip out any pictures of his dick or anything like that, but he did explain that he liked dominant women and liked to be submissive in bed.

C. also drunkenly offered to help me with my business and said we could be able to help one another with companionship… I agreed to at least consider it, under pressure from him, though I dismissed several of his invitations that night of going back to his place.

Should I have known better in the first place to take this man’s offer of going to the show with him? In a way, I had. I had really tried to have another male friend there to help prevent exactly what unfolded. But should I have had to be put in the position I’d found myself in because I’d accepted to be a guy’s plus-one to a show? I would argue, certainly not.

So, while I must take at least a modicum of accountability for my weekend getting hijacked by men with untoward and excessively intimate behavior, it nonetheless does not excuse this behavior on the part of the men. As I’ve risen in my consciousness and in my awareness and enforcement of energetic boundaries, I’ve become more sensitive to the manipulations and behaviors of others.

So yes, I demand both respect and civility. My time and attention are not free.

Men, I urge you to understand that intimacy has more costs and risks for women than for men. Further, chasing women purely for physicality and/or for companionship when there is not the energetic connection to support that does not serve you.

Men, it serves you better to acknowledge a woman’s spirituality, and to heal and meet your own self spiritually first, before you rely on that connection with a woman.

👁️‍🗨️👁️‍🗨️👁️‍🗨️

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