New Medium Features
Medium Increases Membership To $100!
Medium to become a gambling site
I’m pretty fed up with all the whiners and moaners on here complaining they aren’t earning enough.
What do you expect for $5 a month!
Clearly none of you jerks out there have played poker. Or are you one of these part-timers who sits at the table for half-an-hour hoping to clean up. No chance. Not in the real world. Not at the 18-hour games I used to play where I’d come out without my shoes.
Why should Medium be any different?
Let's spin the wheel.
I propose an immediate increase to $100 per month.
If you’ve already paid your membership — tough shit! Your Medium Partner Program earnings will be used to make up the shortfall.
If your account is less than $100, then you have five days to make up the difference. Otherwise, say goodbye to your smoothie and granola recipes, as all past posts will be permanently deleted.
It’s time to get real. Instead of: ‘Wouldn’t it be great to distribute the funds more evenly?’
Why!!!
Why give all the dickheads on here who can hardly spell their name as much cash as the writers who’ve spent years developing their audience.
Tell me that!
You don’t attend a job interview and the first question you ask your perspective boss is, ‘Seeing as I’m new, can I have your salary?’
You’d be laughed out of town.
Why should Medium be any different?
But we’re listening here, which is why we’re bringing in this new formula and increasing the odds for everyone. Whether you’ve mastered name spelling or not.
There will be three bands.
— The Basic Plan: $100 a month.
— The Gamblers Plan: $500 a month.
— The Bankruptcy Plan: $1000 a month.
The more you put in the pot, the more you could earn if your piece goes viral. What could be fairer than that. No more complaining that Medium doesn’t pay. Well now it does.
So shut up!
‘OK, Medium, I get you: But what happens if you haven’t got any money?’
Easy.
Do what every other desperate junkie does. Beg. Borrow. Steal. Take out payday loans, high-interest credit cards, steal from your family and friends, sell your body, peddle drugs, sell your house, sell your soul…
Why not? Imagine the high when that story goes viral. You won’t be moaning about Medium any more, you’ll be lighting up the cigars, even if the bailiffs are knocking on your door.
“OK guys. Here’s 100,000 bucks. Give me another 24 hours, and I’ll get you the rest.”
Imagine that adrenalin rush?
Then you’ll feel like a real writer! When you’ve got less than 24-hours to come up with the mother-of-all-pieces in order to save your house, your marriage, and your sanity….
Think about it! It’ll be good for everyone.
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