Mary, Princess of the Suburbs
Introduction. Cantos I — VI.
Introduction
The suburban epic, Mary, Queen of the Suburbs or Mary, Princess of the Suburbs (for the work is well known under both titles), is, without a doubt, the most important “hero” text in the canon of midcentury modern suburban devotional literature. The fact that it is rarely studied or read should not dissuade serious students from undertaking a thorough investigation of it, for anyone who makes it to the end is, by definition, a “scholar” of it, and can therefore reasonably call themselves a “world renowned scholar” of the work.
The following translation is an amalgam of many sources, and for it we have relied heavily on the work of Professor Judith Tinsdale’s previous work on the Princeton Bits, an almost complete copy of the non-poem found in a New Rochelle Home on a set of forgotten floppy disks in 1992. While the most complete copy of the Mary Cycle found to date, the Princeton Bits most likely contain a number of late-millennium priestly additions, notably the oft-mentioned “reverse similes” where a object in the natural world is compared to a man-made object (i.e. “clouds like factory smoke” or “sepia light”). In addition to the smilies, the Princeton Bits are also thought to have a large number of additions and subtractions intended to reduce the level of homophobia in the original work. By comparison to earlier sources, such as the Irvington fragments (a set of 3 carbon papers typed out on an IBM selectric typewritter dating to the early 1980s), we can see that the Princeton text substitutes “friend” for “boy-toy” and “old man” for “troll”. In all such cases, we have preserved the language of the older version, as a reminder to the modern reader that in the 1970s gay people were openly discriminated against and often ghettoized.
The oldest fragment, found on a single page of college-ruled notepaper that was discovered at a yard sale in the Union Town section of Hastings, contains a semi-complete rendering of the Meadow Party. This, we must assume, is the oldest section of the Mary Cycle and may have at one time been its own complete epic, for it has the structure (introduction, invocation of the gods, setback, ariestia, and punishment) of a complete work. Unfortunately, the Union Town Notebook text is limited. It has but 175 words on the obverse, a scant 75 on the reverse. Even with careful text analysis and conjecture, it is impossible to glean too much information from such a small sample.
This translation relies on the work of countless scholars. In particular, the reference to Frederick as a devotee of Weberus would not have been understood were it not for the recent scholarship of Don Cue. And, as always, we would like to thank The Charm Quark and Donna Zuckerberg for their support (neither has in any way supported us, we just wanted to drop some BIGWIG scholar names in here to class up the joint. If you are a classical scholar and would like your name added, send it along and I’ll be happy to exploit you). We would also like to thank the members of the Hastings Historical Society, the Dobb’s Ferry Women’s Club, the Athanaeum of Medium, and the commonobula collection at the Mushamaguntic Frost Free Library.
Table of Contents
- Book I: Introduction — Canto VI
- Book II: Cantos VII — X
- Book III: Cantos XI — XVII
- Book IV: Cantos XVIII — XX
Canto I:
There once lived, in the town of Hastings, a young woman named Mary, the bravest person in all the suburbs.
The mother of Mary was Brunhilde, who never smiled, for her husband had forgotten her and lived far away in the town of Shady Hill. When the parents of Mary divorced, Brunhilde became a priestess of the juniper berry at the Temple of Gin. Each day Brunhilde sacrificed at the temple and spent the rest of the day watching her “stories”, and so Mary was left to raise her younger twin brothers, Typhus and Dysentery.
From the couch, Brunhilde, who had once been president of the Junior League and wore a Westover ring, gave orders to Mary to open cans of chicken-a-la king and ravioli-os and bade her feed Typhus and Dysentery. Brunhilde would make Mary pay bills, and clean and do laundry, and then she would look upon her daughter and cry, “What has become of me? I was once the recording secretary for the League of Women Voters? I wear a Westover ring. Now I am a lush. My sons mock me and steal my booze.”
When Brunhilde was held in the trance of Gin, Mary did her best to soothe her mother and get the laundry done, for she was a rule follower and a “good girl”. Her life was very hard.
Canto II: The Visit of Cousin Annie
Soon after Mary’s eighteenth birthday, there was a knock at the kitchen door. Mary answered the door, and there stood her cousin Annie, wearing a dashiki and many rings on her fingers.
She said to Mary, “I am your cousin, Annie, but now I spell it with one ‘n’ and an ‘i’, like ‘Ani’. Our grandmother, the goddess of Valhalla, the mother of your father Johnny, Insurance King of Shady Hill, has sent me to get you. She says that I must take you out to “meet people”, for the oracle has told her that you will become “backward” if you are left to live with your mother, Brunhilde, who is a lush.”
Mary was very much afraid. She lowered her eyes, hid her face in her hair, and bit her fingernail. “I cannot go with you, cousin Ani, for who will take care of Typhus and Dysetary? Who will open the cans of chicken-a-la king and ravioli-os?”
“Typhus and Dysentery are fifteen,” said Ani. “Fifteen-year-old boys can take care of themselves. Your next obligation is to bail them out of jail when they are in their twenties. Do not worry about your mother. Brunhilde is a princess of Larchmont. She has the Westover and Radcliffe rings. She can take care of herself.”
With much fear and trembling Mary stepped out of the house and followed Ani to the parked Gremlin.
Canto III: The Education of Mary and The Three Gifts
For many months Ani picked up Mary after school in the Gremlin and they went to Ani’s apartment in Yonkers to smoke pot and bake cookies. Ani taught Mary many things.
Ani taught Mary how to go braless, how to play Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Wonder records, and how to say the word “cool”. After getting high, they would go outside and knock a ball back and forth with field hockey sticks. Sometimes they would drink wine and do the maiden dance to Sly and the Family Stone. Ani gave Mary feathered earrings to wear.
After five months, Ani said to Mary, “You are almost a proper teenager, but to be a real teenager I am going to give you a series of tests. I am going to send you to five parties. Five parties you must attend. One on each of the five hills of Hastings. When you have completed the five parties you will be “mature enough” to go to your father in Shady Hill and claim your part of the insurance company.
Mary was very much afraid. She said, “I do not want to go to parties. I would rather stay at home and watch Love, American Style.”
“Fear not,” said Ani, “Your grandmother, the goddess of Valhalla, has told me to give you three gifts to aid you in your labors.
The first gift is a pair of combat boots that our uncle Sam, who was a marine in Da Nang, wore while he committed atrocities on behalf of the government.
The second gift is a pair of bellbottom jeans that I have embroidered for you.”
Ani held up the jeans. On the back pockets she had embroidered two rosettes. On the seems of the front pockets she had embroidered rainbows. On the bellbottoms she had embroidered the leaves of an olive tree.
“The rosettes on the back pockets are apotropaic symbols of the Goddess, your grandmother, the Queen of Valhalla. If someone calls them ‘rosettes’, you know their heart is good, but if they call them ‘daisies’ then you know that they are just staring at your ass.
The third gift is this field hockey stick. It was the field hockey stick of your mother, Brunhilde, when she was the captain of the field hockey team at Westover. She gave it to me when I played field hockey in Valhalla. It’s name is Hündinnen Kleben.”
“But I don’t play field hockey,” said Mary. I did gymnastics and swam and played the french horn. I don’t know what to do with a field hockey stick.”
“You will know how to use Hündinnen Kleben if you need it, said Ani. “I used it to smash the window of Shithead Frankie’s car. It is a great stick.”
Then Mary began to cry and begged Ani to come and climb the five hills of Hastings with her. Ani said she could not accompany Mary because that would not be “cool”.
Canto IV: The Pot Party
Ani gave Mary the address to pot party in the Hudson Heights section of Hastings, which is atop the first and most sacred hill, Mount Hope. She said to Mary, “You ride your bike to the house on the address. There will be no parents. Instead, there will be three broad-faced girls and two skinny faced boys. You can party and hang out with them, but don’t eat any egg salad they offer to you. If you eat the egg salad they offer to you, you will get the runs. If they offer you brownies, make sure you check to see if the brownies are covered in ants.”
So Mary rode her ten speed to the house of the broad-faced girls. Mary knocked on the door, and one of the broad-faced girls opened the door and said, “you must be Ani’s cousin. Welcome and come in. Did you bring any pot?” Indeed, Mary had brought pot given to her by Ani.
A broad-faced girl rolled a big fat joint with ease. Everybody smoked the joint while listening to Allman Brothers’ music and Santana Abraxas. The skinny faced boys said funny things and the broad faced girls laughed big happy laughs. After many hours of Allman Brothers’ music, when they were listening to “Whipping Post” for the third time, one of the broad faced girls, who was eating egg salad with a spoon out of a tupperware container, offered Mary something to eat by extending the tupperware to her and saying, “want some?” Mary remembered the words of Ani and said, “No, thank you” without mentioning the runs.
Later, one of the skinny faced boys brought out a plate of brownies and offered one to Mary. She looked at the brownies and lo, there were ants on them. Mary said, “I think there are ants in the brownies.” With that two of the broad-faced girls started spitting out brownies and yelling “Oh, Fuck!”.
Later in the evening, Mary got up to leave saying, “I have to go home and check on my mom.” The broad faced girls and skinny faced boys begged her not to go. “Stay here,” they said, “you are ‘cool’ and we like to hang out with you. We have plenty of pot and much more Southern rock. We will check for ants from now on. If you stay, a friend of ours might be able to score LSD or cocaine. We will weep if you leave.”
But Mary was determined to leave, so she hugged the broad-faced girls and waved to the thin faced boys. Then she showed them the rosettes of the Goddess.
Canto V: The Second Party and Threshold Guardians
A few weeks later, when they were knocking the field hockey ball back and forth, Ani said to Mary, “I have the second party for you. It is a house party on Villard, the second most important hill in Hastings. It is a party for “Jocks”. The jocks will welcome you, for you are my cousin and I am cooler than all jocks. Even so, make sure to bring Hündinnen Kleben with you because most jocks are shitheads.”
So on the night of the party, Mary put on her feathered earrings and did not wear a bra. When she came out of her room to leave, she was confronted by the three furies.
In the living room were the sisters of Brunhilde; Kára, and Hrist (“The Shaker”). All three had been making gin libations and were deep in the juniper. When they saw the braless Mary they shook with rage and said in unison, “You will not leave this house without a bra.”
Then Mary said;
If I don’t want to wear a bra, I don’t have to wear a bra.
Then Hrist (“The Shaker”) went berserk and screamed, “You are such a defiant child because your father is a faggot who left our good sister Brunhilde to have sex with men. You have become a worthless tramp and attention whore, and now you want to show your nipples to men, just like him.”
To which Mary replied, “What?”
Hrist (“The Shaker”) then grabbed Mary by the shoulders and said “You go upstairs right now and put a bra on.”
The fog of juniper gas was strong. The breath of Hirst was a cone of Gin and Cheese Wiz. Mary swooned and almost lost consciousness, but because she had great strength from gymnastics and swimming, she was able to break free from the grip of Hirst. Then she said, “You can’t make me wear a bra.” She ran from the house and jumped on her Schwinn ten speed carrying Hündinnen Kleben in one hand.
The furies cried and gnashed their teeth. Brunhilde shouted after Mary, “It will be your own fault if you get raped.”
The darkness was great that evening, like the lightless interior of a refrigerator without a lightbulb. In the darkness, on her bicycle, Mary flipped Brunhilde the bird. Brunhilde could not see the bird but she felt it, and so she said to her sisters, “We should drink more gin.”
Canto VI: The House Party
Mary rode her Schwinn tenspeed up Villard, the second most sacred hill in Hastings, but it got so steep she had to walk her bike. She knew she had come to the house party when she heard Aerosmith music and saw teenagers standing on the lawn drinking from red Solo cups.
There were seven cheerleaders at the party and seven Hudsonettes (twirlers). The cheerleaders did not approach Mary, but one of the Husonettes did. She offered Mary a red solo cup and Mary took it. When Mary lifted it to her mouth she could smell juniper berries and she said, “I apologize, I don’t drink gin because my mother, Brunhilde, is a priestess of the juniper.” Then the Hudsonette said, “I will get you rum and Coke.”
When Mary had her drink, the Hudsonette asked, “Why do you carry your field hockey stick with you?” Mary replied, “It is like a security blanket. It makes me feel less anxious, plus it can be used for fun. Watch this.” And with that Mary took a ball from her pocket, dropped it, and hit it on the ground to the Hudsonette. The Hudsonette kicked the ball back to Mary. Soon all seven of the Hudonettes were standing in a circle drinking from solo cups and kicking the ball back to Mary who hit it to them with Hündinnen Kleben. The laughter of their mirth carried over the house party, for they were having fun despite the Aerosmith music.
When the cheerleaders saw that the Hudsonettes were having fun, they resolved that it should end. They conspired against Mary and the Hudsonettes, in part because Mary’s nipples filled them with rage and jealousy. Slender Kayleigh, queen of the cheerleaders, asked to speak to Mary by saying, “Mary, can I talk to you in private.”
Mary went with her field hockey stick to talk with Slender Kaleigh. Slender Kaleigh said to Mary, “There is a boy. He is not the captain of the football team, nor the quarterback. He is only the strong safety, but he is the cutest of all football players. His name is Bobby Brown and he thinks you are cute and wants to talk to you. This house, which is a really rich house, is his house. His parents are on Block Island for the weekend, which is why we can have this house party. You should talk to him.”
Mary agreed to meet Bobby Brown, so some of the cheerleaders went with her to find him. They found him, and he was indeed the best looking of the football players, for he had thick curly brown hair and deep brown eyes. He was short and stocky, and Mary thought he looked like a strong safety even though she did not know what a strong safety was.
The cheerleaders talked with Mary and Bobby and drank from their solo cups. In time, they drifted away, and when Mary and Bobby were alone, Bobby asked, “Do you want to see the upstairs? My parents have a porch outside of their bedroom that overlooks a rock garden. When you flip a switch, a waterfall turns on. Come, I will show you the rock garden and waterfall.”
So Mary followed Bobby Brown upstairs, and as they climbed the stairs she marveled at how pretty he was. They went through the parent’s bedroom and out onto a porch to look at the rock garden. Then Bobby Brown turned on a switch, and lo, a waterfall appeared in the rock garden.
Mary marveled at the waterfall, but while she was entranced by the beauty of the rock garden, Bobby Brown grabbed her by the shoulders and tried to stick his tongue down her throat. Mary pushed against him, and said, “Don’t touch me. I don’t want to kiss you.”
But now the blood was in Bobby Brown’s head, so he grabbed her by her ass and pulled her groin towards his. “Yes, he said. You want to kiss me. You want to fuck me too.”
The desire of Bobby Brown was like the rinse of a car wash. His strength that of an automatic door.
Then Bobby Brown screamed “shit” in a great cry of pain. He held up his hands. There, burned into his flesh, were the rosettes of the goddess.
“Fuck, what have you done to my hands?” he shouted. Mary, who was now full of rage, said, “That’s nothing, asshole.” Then she kicked Bobby Brown in the balls with her combat boot. The impact rang like the crashing of shopping carts.
He crumpled in pain. The sound of the strong safety’s howls filled the rock garden. From the ground, holding his crotch, he yelled, “You stupid fucking prick tease! You frigid whore! I should have grabbed you by the pussy instead!”.
“You’re a fucking piece of shit,” said Mary, and she kicked him in the balls a second time.
Bobby Brown cried out in pain and rage a second time. “You’re a fucking psycho. I’m going to call the cops and have you arrested.”
Then Mary held Hündinnen Kleben along side his prone face. “And I could brain you with my field hockey stick. You’re not going to call the cops, but I am going to fuck up your car with this stick if I hear that you have grabbed anybody else against their will.”
“Fuck you, bitch.” Said Bobby Brown. “Why did you not wear a bra if you didn’t want me to grab your ass and stick my tongue down your throat without permission?”
“I don’t know,” said Mary, “I just didn’t want to wear a bra, so now you can look at my nipples while I kick you in the balls a third time.”
Bobby Brown cried out, “No, please, don’t kick me in the balls a third time. I am sorry for what you made me do, and will try to do better in the future.”
Then Mary kicked Bobby in the balls a third time.
She left the porch and rock garden, walked through the master bedroom, and went down the stairs carrying Hündinnen Kleben in her hand. The seven cheerleaders were all at the bottom of the stairs drinking from their solo cups. They had strange smiles on their faces and asked Mary, “What happened?”
Mary said unto them, “Bobby Brown attacked me, so I kicked him in the balls. He called me names, then I kicked him in the balls a second time. He tried to pass off his bullshit as my fault, so I kicked him in the balls a third time. Now, just so you know, if he ever attacks someone again, you tell me and I will fuck up his car with my field hockey stick.”
The cheerleaders began to cry with shame and relief. “Oh, Mary, hero of the suburbs!” they sang. “We fed you to the monster Bobby Brown, and now you have saved us and helped to protect us. What can we do to repay you?”
Mary said to them, “Explain to the other football players what a piece of shit Bobby Brown is. Encourage them to shun him and punch holes in the drywall of his parent’s house.”
The Hudsonettes, who had been looking on, took up the cheer. “Fuck up this house,” they yelled, then they lifted Mary onto their shoulders and carried her out to her Schwinn ten speed.
