Book IV: Mary and the Troll

Cantos: XVIII and XX

Table of Contents

• Book I: Introduction — Canto VI
• Book II: Cantos VII — X
• Book III: Cantos XI — XVII
• Book IV: Cantos XVIII — XX

Canto XVIII: The Retrieval of the Mapplethorpe

Mary asked her father Johnny, Insurance King of Shady Hill, for the operating agreement of the LLC. Johnny did not know where the operating agreement was, so Mary said, “I will call the lawyer myself.”

When Mary had collected the papers she needed, she went back to King Pizza and said to Larry Pizza, “Larry, I need that picture I stored with you.” Larry retrieved the picture from the store room. When he handed the picture to Mary she notice that it had been rewrapped.

“Did you look at the picture?” Mary asked.

“Yes, said Larry. Crazy Paulie was delivering pizza for me, and somehow he found it in the storeroom. He was mesmerized by it, and I caught him staring at it, as if in a stupor. I rewrapped the photograph because the power of the image is great. It’s some super gay shit, and looking upon it may have turned Crazy Paulie gay.”

“The picture did not turn Crazy Paulie gay, Larry. You looked upon the picture and did not turn gay, right? Said Mary.

“That’s right,” said Larry.

“The power of the Maplethorpe is great, but it can’t make you gay. You are lucky you found Crazy Paulie with his pants on.”

Canto XIX: Descent to the Underworld

Mary took the train into the city. This was in the time of dirty Grand Central Station, when graffiti and squeegee men ruled the streets. She took the Times Square Shuttle to Times Square. This was in the time when pushers and pimps ruled 42nd Street. Then she took the number one train to Christopher Street station. This was in the time when old-world, ghettoized queens ruled the West Village.

The apartment of Burt was above his health food store, “The Organic Brûlée”. Mary, armed with the Maplethorpe photo and an accordion file full of papers, rang the buzzer.

Not one, but two boy-toys, answered the door. Both were young and pretty. Both were in excellent shape.

“Come in, Mary, Princess of the Suburbs,” they said, “We have been expecting you.”

They led Mary upstairs to Burt’s apartment. In a high ceilinged room with oriental rugs, tiffany lamps, and Toulouse Lautrec posters, there was a low victorian chair, like that of a throne, and in it sat Burt, Gay Overlord of Christopher Street.

“Welcome Mary, daughter of the Insurance King” He said, “What has brought you down to our fair land? Do you wish to take something from us?”

Mary was fearful, for Burt looked wise and powerful in his MuMu. He was large and hairy, and his eyes shone with intellect and malice.

“How do you know who I am and the purpose of my sojourn to the West…. Village?” asked Mary.

“Hah,” laughed Burt, “I know all things. Did you really think that Fat Joe was your flunky? Do you really believe that someone would reverse commute to Shady Hill to work at an insurance company? I know who you are Mary, and I know how your craven father, that decaying, old fop, that bridge and tunnel closet-queen, sent you here to take what is mine.”

Burt said all this with great malice. His voice was like thunder and full of off-off-Broadway drama. He stood up from his low, Victorian chair and shouted, “Take her, and fuck her and inject her with rabies!”

The two boy toys made sour faces. Mary put down the photo and papers and began to unzip the bag that held Hündinnen Kleben.

“I’m not serious,” shouted Burt. “That’s a line from a John Waters movie. Desperate Living, I think. You can put away your field hockey stick. Nobody is going to attack you.”

The truth is that Burt was moved by Mary’s trip to the West…. Village. “Here is a noble youth,” he thought, “She has come to try to right the mistakes of her father.”

“What have you brought me, Mary?” Burt asked. “What can you offer me for my percentage of the Insurance Agency?”

“First I have a gift,” said Mary, “And even if we strike no deal the gift is yours, for it is freely given.”

Then Mary unwrapped the Maplethorpe and presented it to Burt. The boy toys gasped and Burt began to weep.

“This is a kingly gift, Mary.” He said, “That is the ass of Frederick! Where on earth did you get such a powerful object? It’s so beautiful it could turn any man gay.”

“It is indeed beautiful,” said Mary, “But it cannot turn men gay.”

“It’s making me gayer,” said one of the boy toys.

“If that ass doesn’t make you gay, nothing will,” said the other.

While Burt and the boy-toys were hanging the Maplethorpe, Mary took the papers out of the accordion folder and spread them out on the coffee table.

“Burt, I have a proposal. In exchange for your percentage of Van Doh, I will give you a very good deal on health insurance for your employees, and I will let you keep 10 percent of the Insurance Agency. Ten percent of my company will be worth more than fifty percent of my father’s.”

“I have no doubt about that,” said Burt. He signed the papers.

Canto XX: Mary, Queen of the Suburbs

Mary returned to the suburbs, where she ran the Insurance Agency wisely and well. Typhus and Dysentery became insurance salesmen, Uncle Sam dried out and became the King of Westchester AA. Mary’s mother, Brunhilde, eventually followed her brother’s path to Highwatch, renounced the cult of junipers, and became an Episcopalian Priestess. Cousin Ani became a mother of four and the first female chair of the Hastings school board, and the Goddess of Valhalla continues to abide in the suburbs, where she continues to shower favor on those who follow the dictates of the suburban gods.