Book III. Mary of the Suburbs
Cantos XI — XVII
Table of Contents
- Book I: Introduction — Canto VI
- Book II: Cantos VII — X
- Book III: Cantos XI —XVII
- Book IV: Cantos XVIII — XX
Canto XI: The Breaking of the Tap Taboo
The next time Ani picked up Mary in the Gremlin, Mary said, “I have completed the five parties on the five hills of Hastings. I am now a proper teen and can go and claim the insurance company from my father, Johnny, Insurance King of Shady Hill.”
Then Ani chastised Mary. “No,” she said, “Your trials are not completed, for in your anger you threw the kegs of the Meadow into Sugar Pond. Those kegs did not belong to the greasers, nor to the jocks, nor to the pixie potheads. Those kegs were bought by Brooksie, the Johnny Appleseed of pot cultivation in Hastings. Brooksie is favored by the gods, and you should have at least taken the taps from the kegs. When you don’t return the tap, you don’t get the deposit back. Brooksie had to wade into the water of Sugar Pond, which has been polluted by the houses in Riverview Manor, and retrieve the kegs and taps.”
“For your transgression,” Ani continued, “one more labor will be added to your list. You must help me take Uncle Sam to rehab.”
Mary gasped, for taking Uncle Sam to rehab was an impossible task. His sisters, the furies, had tried many times, even they, in their terror, could not drive him to seek treatment.
“This is an impossible task you have given me, Ani.” Said Mary, “How can I possibly do it?”
“You will have to walk into the Hasings House, the bar that we call the ‘Wax Museum’, and talk him into getting into the Gremlin. I don’t know how you will do it, but I know what will happen if you fail. His liver is already the size of New Jersey, and he has esophageal varices. He has recently started spitting blood.”
Then Mary set her will to the task even though it was impossible. “I will go to the Wax Museum and fetch our uncle.”
Ani gave her the following instructions. “Uncle Sam is in the Wax Museum every day from three o’clock on, for three o’clock is when Happy Hour starts. I will be outside with the Gremlin at 4:30. When you hear the 4:30 whistle blow, you will know that the time has come to take Uncle Sam to rehab.”
XII: The Wax Museum and the Black Man
Mary went to look at the Wax museum early in the day. She was there at noon. The street had been planted with small trees that looked like parking meters. She stood next to one watching the door of the Wax Museum.
A black man came out of the Wax Museum carrying a grocery bag. He was old and not breathing well. He put the bag down to catch his breath.
Mary saw that he needed help. “Grandfather,” she said, “Do you need help carrying that bag?”
“Yes, yes I do,” said the old man. “It is very heavy, and I don’t breathe well. Could you help me carry the bag up to my apartment at the Hastings Terraces?”
“Oh, you live in Hastings?” Said Mary. She had thought that she would be carrying the bag to the bus stop, so the old man could go back to Yonkers or White Plains. “I didn’t know that any black people lived in Hastings.”
“There have always been black people in the suburbs,” the old man said, “just not in real estate ads.”
When Mary bent over to pick up the bag the old man said, “Who embroidered the rosettes on your jeans? Those are very well rendered and must have taken a long time.”
“My cousin Ani embroidered them. She was taught how to sew by our grandmother, the Goddess of Valhalla (which is in Westchester County).”
“I think I know your grandmother,” said the man. “We worked together on the costumes for Cats.” Then the man had to stop walking because his breathing was labored. “I smoke cigarettes,” he said, “and now I have emphysema.”
“Menthol cigarettes do bad things to your lungs,” said Mary. “Do you smoke Kools or Newports?”
The old man smiled. “I smoke Export As because I am went to college in Canada.”
Mary did not know what Export As were.
“My name is Frederick,” he said. Then he waited. Mary said, “My name is Mary.”
Frederick continued to wait.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Frederick,” said Mary, and she extended her hand to him.
Frederick shook her hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mary.” He said.
Climbing to the Hasting Terraces took a long time because Frederick had to stop frequently. The bag was very heavy and Mary put it down when Frederick rested. He became fussy and often pointed to a different places saying things like, “put the bag there, out of the sun, Mary.” Mary complied, though she thought to herself, “this old man has some balls.”
When they were outside Frederick’s apartment, he told Mary to put the bag down in front of the door and invited her in. “Come in,” he said, “I want to give you something for your trouble.”
“I don’t need anything, Grandfather,” said Mary, “It was my pleasure to carry your bag for you.”
“Don’t be afraid,” said Frederick, “You can prop the front door open if you are fearful. I will go in first, but I want you to come in.”
So Frederick carried his bag into the apartment and Mary entered. The apartment was small, but had a tiny balcony, on which there was a grill, for Frederick was a devotee of Weberus.
Inside, it was the most beautiful apartment Mary had ever seen. It had plants and Bauhaus furniture, track lighting, and original artwork by Leon Dabo, Jacques Lipshitz, and Andy Warhol. There were also three photographs by Robert Mapplethorpe.”
Frederick walked to the Mapplethorpe photos and took one from the wall. It was a photo of the ass and legs of a nude man bending over. “I’m going to wrap this up and give it to you. You keep it secret and keep it safe, for it is an original Maplethorpe photo and you don’t have any insurance if it gets damaged or stolen.”
Frederick wrapped up the photo and gave it to Mary. He walked her to the door of the apartment.
“Thank you for your help,” he said, “And give my best to the Goddess.”
Canto XIII: Larry, The Pizza Man
With the Maplethorpe picture wrapped in brown paper, Mary walked back down to the Wax Museum. To keep the picture safe, she walked into King Pizza to ask Larry, the pizza man, for a favor.
“Larry,” she said, “I have to go to the Wax Museum and get my Uncle Sam to go to rehab. Can you store this picture for me in case Uncle Sam flips out and gets physical?”
Larry said, “Sure, Mary Bellybutton, I will store your item for you, but I will also go with you into the Wax Museum. I was a Marine in Da Nang and know your Uncle Sam. I might be able to help.”
“Did you commit atrocities on behalf of the American government like Uncle Sam did?” Mary asked.
“Well”, said Larry, “I wouldn’t call them ‘atrocities’.” Then he shouted in Italian and his brother came out from the kitchen to watch the front of the pizza shop.
Canto XIV: The Extraction From the Wax Museum
Mary and Larry walked across the street to the Wax Museum. Inside it was dark and dingy, filled with cigarette smoke and the sepia sunlight.
Uncle Sam was at the bar, drinking vodka and smoking a cigarette. Mary and Larry said “hello” to uncle Sam and pretended they were there for Happy Hour until they heard the 4:30 whistle blow. Then Mary stood up from her bar stool and said, “Uncle Sam, I have come to take you to rehab because your liver is the size of New Jersey and you are spitting up blood.”
Uncle Sam looked at her for the first time and touched the scar on Mary’s jaw and said, “Mary, what happened to your beautiful face?”
Then Uncle Sam started to lift his shirt, and Mary knew that he was about to show the scar from his appendectomy, so Mary said, “I don’t need to see your scar, Uncle Sam. Larry and I are here to take you to the car outside.”
Uncle Sam stood up and ground out his cigarette in an ashtray on the bar. He drained his vodka and said, “Good, I need a break. Let’s go.”
Mary thought to herself, “This was the easiest labor of all.”
But when they got outside and Uncle Sam saw Ani in the driver’s seat of the Gremlin he turned around and tried to run away. He ran right into Larry, the pizza man, who was behind him.
“You need to go to the tank, brother.” Said Larry, grabbing Sam by the shoulders. “Let’s get in the car.”
Uncle Sam bit Larry on the arm and held his bite. Larry cried out in pain and screamed, “You stupid, drunk motherfucker.” Then Mary put her hand underneath Uncle Sam’s nose and pushed back on it so that he released his bite. The three struggled mightily. Larry pushed Sam towards the car, and Sam began kicking, so Mary grabbed Sam’s legs and helped Larry load him in the car. Then Mary sat on his legs and Larry shut the car door.
“Let’s go,” said Mary, and Ani gunned the motor of the Gremlin. Mary looked through the large rear window of the Gremlin. Larry was standing on the sidewalk holding his arm. Mary mouthed, “thank you.”
Uncle Sam struggled beneath Mary, cursing and trying to scratch at her, but Mary was strong from gymnastics and swimming and was able to contain the fury of her sick uncle. By the time they were on the Merritt Parkway, Uncle Sam had calmed down. “Where are we going?” Mary Asked.
“We are taking him to Highwatch in Connecticut,” said Ani, so he can meet Bill W.”
“Can Bill W. help him,” Mary asked.
“We fucking hope so,” said Ani.
Canto XV: The Reunification With King Johnny
On the ride back from Connecticut, Ani said to Mary, “You have completed all of the labors. You have attended five parties on the five sacred hills of Hastings and you have helped get Uncle Sam into rehab. You are now a proper teen. You should go to your father, the Insurance King of Shady Hill, and claim your part of his business.”
A few days later Mary rode her Schwinn ten speed north along the river, to the town of Shady Hill. She went to the downtown, and walked into the John Van Dof Insurance Agency. There was a woman receptionist wearing a yellow shift dress with daisies. She asked Mary how she could help her.
Mary said, “I am Mary, daughter of Johnny, Insurance King of Shady Hill, and I have come to see my father.”
The receptionist excused herself and went into the big office. She spoke softly in there. When she returned, she said to Mary, “You can go in. Your father is eager to see you.”
Mary walked into the big office. Her father stood in the middle of the room weeping. He embraced her, and the two of them cried in each other’s arms. “Mary,” he said, “I am so glad you came to see me. Can you ever forgive me for abandoning you and your brothers?”
Then Johnny, the Insurance King of Shady Hill, fell on the floor and wept at Mary’s feet. Mary looked down on his gray head and felt some pity, but not too much.
“Father,” she said, “I have come to claim my part of the business, for you never provided child support nor visited us, so I will take the part of the agency that is due to me, and Typhus, and Dysentery.”
Then the face of Johnny, Insurance King of Shady Hill, twisted as his mood turned black. He looked up through his tears with a soured face.
“How dare you think that I will give you part of my insurance kingdom! I built this company from the ground up. It was with my sweat, sales, and acumen that it now thrives. I don’t owe anyone anything. No part of it belongs to you. None of it is yours and you shall never have it.”
Mary stood her ground and looked her father in the eye. “You owe me a large part of the Insurance company and much more, for you have been the world’s crappiest father. I will take 51% of the company. I will keep you on as an employee and pay for your medical insurance even after you retire.”
Upon hearing the word “retire” the mood of Johnny changed, for he thought to himself, “Here, then, is an opportunity.” But still his heart was hard and so he said:
“If you want to have part of my company, you must go to community college and major in accounting. You must work here in the office, answering the phone and emptying ashtrays, for four years, and during those years you must change your hairdo to a flip with bangs and wear a shift dress with daisies.”
Mary assented, and said, “I will go to community college and work for four years answering the phone and emptying the ashtrays. I will style my hair as a flip with bangs and wear a shift dress, but the shift dress will have rosettes, not daisies.
Canto XVI: Fat Joe
So Mary worked for three years while she studied accounting at community college. She answered the phone and emptied the ashtrays. All who came to the insurance office loved her, first for her beauty and then for her intelligence and good manners.
Johnny fired all of the other receptionists, because he could save money by having Mary do their work, but he retained his flunky, Fat Joe. Fat Joe delivered packages and took Johnny’s lunch order each day. Mary tried to get Fat Joe fired, but Johnny would not fire him. Mary said it was bad to call Fat Joe, “Fat Joe”, but both Johnny and Fat Joe mocked her for her “political correctness.”
In time, Mary changed her hair back to straight hair parted in the middle, and she started to wear pants, but Johnny, who saw how well business was going with Mary in the office, and who now spent most of his time dreaming of retirement trips to Mykonos, did not scold her.
Canto XVII: The Transfer
When the four years had ended and Mary had graduated with a degree in accounting, she went into the office and said, “Father, the time is come. You must retire and give me 51% of the company.”
Then her father began to weep.
“Why are you crying, father?” Mary asked, “For the past four years you have done nothing but dream of retirement.”
Her father said, “I am not crying for myself, Mary, for surely I will go to Mykonos someday. I am crying for you, because I do not own John Van Dof Insurance Agency. It is owned by an evil troll who lives in the depths of the West Village. You see, when I was young, it was foretold that I would be a great insurance agent, but I needed the capital to open a business here in Shady Hill. I borrowed money from a troll named Burt, who was rich from a health food store he owned in the city. Burt owns half of the business. He owns half of each ashtray, half of each phone.”
Mary was vexed and full of rage. “Why didn’t you tell me this before I worked for you? How could you not tell me that you didn’t own the business?”
“Forgive me,” said Johnny. “I was ashamed that I was once the boy-toy of Burt, and I was in denial about what I owed him.”
“I will fix your mistake,” said Mary, “As I always have, but when I get the part of the business from Burt, I will keep 80%. The rest will go to Typhus and Dysentery.”
“What about Mykenos?” Said Johnny.
“I may rent you a place in Provincetown if you are lucky,” said Mary.
