Father Figures
Love Letters straight from the Heart, could have legally, torn them apart.
It took me many years to get past the wishes, for the extra time I should have spent with him…
Fathers or father figures:
Well, I’ve had a few…
- My Birth dad. The older I get, the more I wish I had known him.
- The man who adopted me as a child with my Mum. The less said about him, the better, really. He sexually abused me before I was eight years old. Not raped, but fiddled with, and coerced to do the same in return. He told me he loved me.
- My stepfather, who was a hard-hearted man at times.
- My Uncle George. A kind, sensitive soul who deserves a post all of his own. I have great admiration for one of my Mum’s cousin’s husband, who I called Uncle.
- But what I really want to write about is another almost Uncle, Tony. He was my Mum’s older cousin.
Uncle Tony
As a youngish man, Tony had married Betty, one of my Mum’s friends. They never had children (except, very sadly, a stillborn). Then years later his wife died of cancer. What tragic circumstances he had had to endure.
It was at this time that we became close. My dad had left, I was about nine or ten. He introduced me to the countryside, and we would spend weekends walking his dog over fields and through the woods. I adored him. He was a wonderful man. He took me under his wing, nurturing. When I stayed at his house for the weekends, I thought surely he would want to do something to me. But of course not everyone abuses kids. He enjoyed my company without needing anything from me. But at night I would lie in my little bed wondering why he didn’t come in. Being sexualised early means you can’t always erase those thoughts. After all, sex and love go together. Don’t they?
Later I learned he had also suffered sexual abuse at the hands of his brother, who was my dad’s friend.
I loved Uncle Tony with a passion.
When he died of throat cancer, I was only fifteen, and the older members of my family gave me his personal effects. Knowing we had shared a special relationship. He was the father I wish I’d had.
Numbness crept over me and I refused to let myself grieve for several years. When I finally did, the fall-out was quite bad. My emotions were in a bit of a mess for some while. It took me many years to get past the wishes, for the extra time I should have spent with him. It was ages before I felt brave enough to go through all his things.
That’s when I found the love letters.
Love Letters straight from the Heart
The letters were written years before he married, during the latter part of the war and the early 1950s.
As I read them, I was suddenly transported back to a time when it was considered shameful to love in the way he had.
I say shameful because back in the 1940s and 50s, it was illegal to be gay. Tony was corresponding with a man called Charles. And I soon learned, although very close, they rarely managed to meet.
I didn’t realise immediately that they were love letters, as much of the subject was about trivial things, such as talk of the local pub and family members. The declarations made at the end of each letter made it clear the two men were in love. I felt blessed to learn more about this incredible man’s history, and I cherish the letters to this day.
Finding out Tony was gay wasn’t really much of a surprise to me. There had always been a certain campness and gentle demeanour about his persona. I can see how difficult his life must have been, living in those times.
Loving a man.
Having a wife.
Losing a baby.
As a child I used to daydream about growing up and marrying my Uncle Tony. He made me feel special and important. When I was with him I was invincible.
Written for the Bonus Spark — Write an essay or poem honouring your Father or a Father-Figure.
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