Let’s Talk About Sex! Sure, but How and Where Do I Start?
How to get started with vocalizing your sexual needs and desires with your partner(s)
This coming weekend I’ve been invited to give workshops at a queer-friendly, sex-positive retreat in the countryside, and one of the topics I was asked to speak about was how to talk about sex. Perfect, I thought, I talk (and write) about sex all the time. But, as I went back to look at my past articles in preparation, I realized that while I’ve written tons about the importance of communication and talking about sex, I haven’t touched much on how to do it.
Just do it?
It sounds so easy in theory; just gab about it like you would any other topic. It’s only sex, right? Well, it doesn’t always feel that straightforward when you get to it. Suddenly you can’t seem to find the right words, and if or when you finally do, they seem stuck somehow. Sounds familiar? Trust me, I relate!
You may not have guessed, but for the first almost twenty years of my sexually active life, I was terrible at it! In my late teen and early twenties, I was too shy, inexperienced, and simply didn’t know how to, let alone what I actually wanted. In my last long relationship, which was awfully toxic to boot, I eventually stopped bringing up anything potentially triggering just to keep the peace. And, what could possibly be more triggering than asking for what you want in the bedroom? Especially when you’ve been clammed up about it for the better part of a decade.
This changed drastically over the last four years; since I left my ex and finally decided to pursue sexual exploration and fulfillment, I’ve gone from shrinking violet to loud and proud libertine. It didn’t come on its own though, nor did it happen overnight. Instead, it has taken conscious work and practice, as well as plenty of socializing in sex-positive communities.
So, how do you breach this hot potato topic if you and your partner(s) are not used to talking about sex? How, when, and where should you bring it up? And, most importantly, how can you make it both fun and fruitful?
Mind your language
How you talk about sex matters!
I’m not here to tell you not to use any of the quote-unquote dirty and raunchy words in your sexy vocabulary. On the contrary, this is the time. Instead, I recommend being mindful of how you speak.
Nonviolent Communication, from the book by Marshall B. Rosenberg, has been dubbed the language of compassion. While I always recommend speaking with compassion and empathy, it’s absolutely essential when we share our sexual needs and desires. Regardless of how well versed we personally get at it, it’s important to remember that others may not find it as easy. We all have our own triggers, fear, and hangups around this often-loaded topic, and it’s understandable that many feel extra sensitive to (what might be experienced as) criticism around something that is such an intimate part of who we are as humans.
When people hear anything that sounds like criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self-defense or counterattack. If we wish for a compassionate response from others, it is self-defeating to express our needs by interpreting or diagnosing their behavior. Instead, the more directly we can connect our feelings to our own needs, the easier it is for others to respond to us compassionately.
— Marshall B. Rosenberg, Author of Nonviolent Communication
Bear in mind the quote above when bringing up your sexual needs with partners. You want them to listen, not to pull back or counterattack.
Let’s say you want your lover to stimulate your nipples more during sex. Communicating this compassionately means you’ll focus on what you want, rather than what they’re not doing. Instead of saying “you never touch my nipples” or “you always ignore my nipples”, talk about yourself. Saying something like, “I really love the feeling of having my nipples stimulated during sex and would love more of that”, will ensure that your words land on fertile ground from which creative problem solving and dialogue may flourish: “Oh, tell me more! How do you like to have them touched?”
Opening the ‘can of worms’ in an established relationship
Talking about sex with a new lover is one thing. If clear communication and openness around sex are priorities for you, simply make a point of mentioning this at the beginning and take it as a red flag if they freak out or refuse to open up in return.
It can be much more challenging if you’re in a long-term relationship and just warming up to the idea of discussing your sex life in detail, or you want to introduce new kinks or fantasies. You might share the same fears that I had, namely that suddenly voicing your wishes might make your partner (aka their ego) feel criticized; like you’ve been unhappy or that they’ve been doing something wrong all along.
Again, use the language of compassion and focus on yourself and your own needs. You may want to open up the conversation by saying something along the lines of, “recently, I’ve thought a lot about…” or “I’ve become aware that I want and need…”. Make it clear that you want to include them in whatever new discoveries you’ve had about yourself. Focus the conversation forward rather than dwelling too much on what wasn’t working in the past.
There’s a time and a place…
And it’s not while either of you are stressed or rushing out of the house to get to work, or any scenario that doesn't allow you to have a real dialogue. It’s also NEVER in the middle of a fight or argument.
Make a date out of it instead; ensure you have time, are focused on each other, and are in a place where you both feel good.
Make it fun!
Sure, (talking about) sex can be serious business; it can be heavy and scary, or loaded and uncomfortable. But, it’s also tons of fun—especially when you manage to move past all that pesky fear and shame.
If you’re having trouble getting started and could need some guidance, or if you’re simply feeling playful, try some of these tried and tested suggestions:
The inventory checklist
I’ll never forget the time my first dominant partner ran me through a full checklist of every possible scenario, kink, and sex toy imaginable before our first in-person date. All I had to do was answer yes, no, or maybe to his questions which he later used to craft thrilling scenes for us. I had never spoken about most of these things before and the experience was as sexy as it was eye-opening.
Later, I’ve used different types of checklists with new partners and it has always been a success.
If you don’t feel like making your own list, the internet is full of good resources. This article mentions five extensive lists that cover everything from body boundaries and relationship models to reproductive choices, kinks, sexual activities, and more.
To play, simply suggest the idea to your partner, print out the lists, and fill them out separately. Then, make a hot date out of reading the questions and your own answers out loud to each other. You’re guaranteed fun and giggles while learning lots about both yourself and each other!
TIP: For a less structured Q&A, try playing ‘have you ever?’, ‘spin the bottle’ or ‘truth or dare’. This requires a bit more courage since you have to come up with all the questions yourself. On the other hand, it has the benefit of feeling even more playful and informal.
The fantasy exchange
Sharing fantasies is intimate and can therefore feel a bit intimidating. But, if you’ve already gone through the question-list(s) it’s the perfect next step.
When you’re ready to let your partner into the deepest, sexiest nooks and crannies of your imagination invite them to write down and share one of their fantasies in exchange for one of yours. If you’re feeling shy, you can share them by email and discuss later, or even better, sit face to face and read them to each other.
TIP: Do you have lots of fantasies you want to share? Make your multi-point sex bucket lists instead of a single fantasy.
Create and plan a scenario together
If your storytelling time inspires you to create your own adventures together, how about co-writing a piece of erotica? This is the perfect thing to do via text or email to build anticipation and keep the story developing over a longer time.
Tag team by writing a few sentences to a paragraph or two each before you pass the story back to your partner, then keep going.
TIP: If the story you created is (somewhat) realistic, perhaps you want to put it into life? Continue to plan together and make sure you discuss all your potential fears and worries too, especially if it involves adding other people.
Touch and ask for feedback
Make a night dedicated to trying things you don’t normally do together in bed and focus on touching different parts of each other’s bodies that are often overlooked. Go on a treasure hunt and keep asking for feedback: “Can I touch you here?” “How does this feel?” “Softer or harder?” etc.
Whatever you do, make the journey the goal in itself and focus less on reaching a specific destination and/or climax. You can use this approach to test out any kind of toy, tool, or kink—or simply just to map out each other’s bodies.
TIP: Add blindfolds, either on the person getting touched or both of you, to create an extra titillating sensory experience.
Lastly, take your newfound skill into practice
Once you’ve really learned to speak openly about sex with your partner(s) a whole set of new doors will open for you. You may want to go sex toy shopping together, go to a sex party, add a third or a fourth, or sign up to a sex-positive weekend retreat; all of which would be unthinkable for me to even suggest in my previous long-term relationships, but are now things I do regularly.
With practice, you no longer have to make it a special date each time you want to speak about sex; it will start to flow naturally and you might find yourself blurting out a new desire over your morning coffee or whisper it seductively in your partner’s ear while grocery shopping.
Throughout my personal journey, I’ve come to acknowledge that sex is both special and sacred, yet, at the same time an utterly totally normal and benign part of being human. Just like eating, sleeping, and all the other normal things we do, it’s something we can and should talk about regularly.
To conclude, I can assure you that if you want it, and put your mind to it, everyone can get good at talking about sex. If this previously buttoned-up wallflower could do it, so can you!
