Ways to Create Anticipation and Build Sexual Tension Like a Pro
An extensive list of things to do prior to (or instead of) penetration to make sex even better
The longer you have to wait for something, the more you will appreciate it when it finally arrives. —Susan Gale
My working title of this article was Penetration is Overrated, until I realized that this wasn’t precisely the message I wanted to convey.
First of all, who am I kidding? I do love a good fuck. So much so that I feel pretty miserable if I go without for too long. During scenes of dragged-out foreplay—which is how I prefer it—I often yearn for it: Experienced similar to a ravenous hunger that must be (full)filled, my whole body longs to hold and circlude my lover.
Therefore, I don’t believe penetration is overrated per se. A more accurate, but too-long alternative to my intended title could be: If you always skip straight to penetration and don’t treat it like the sweet cherry on top that it is, it can be rather ‘meh’… Besides, there’s so much more to sex than PIV (or PIO—phallus in any of the orifices, for the sake of inclusivity).
The intended title was a response I gave to a Twitter comment under a video I posted of a Shibari bondage performance, saying: You could have made simple and just penetrated. Besides the point that this was an artistic video shoot and not a sex scene, my answer is; where’s the fun in that? Sure, penetration can be absolutely amazing, but the key to making it that—assuming there are no other physical or mental issues in the way—is to build said hunger. Hunger for (penetrative) sex is similar to hunger for food in the way that the more of an appetite you’ve worked up—the more excited you are for your meal—the better it will taste.
Do you remember being a kid at summer camp waiting for dinner to be served, sunkissed, covered in scratches, and utterly exhausted after a full day of activities? The tantalizing smells of Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner seeping out from the kitchen when all you’ve eaten that day is a tiny breakfast? Have you cooked a warm meal on a camping stove after a several-hour-long hike in fresh mountain air? Or been excited for days or weeks to visit your favorite restaurant? Now, close your eyes and remember what that first bite felt like. That is how we want to feel about penetration!
In a recent article here on Sexography I wrote about why men who master sexual self-restraint are so irresistible, urging readers to delay gratification in order to blow their lover’s mind. While this article was especially aimed at men, since (stereotypically) the male partner is the one pushing ahead while the female holds back, the art of building sexual tension and anticipation is not restricted to sex or gender and is something we can create together, in a multitude of ways.
Delayed gratification is a prime component in increasing our sexual appetites. In addition, you want to feed the flame by talking about, planning, imagining, teasing, tasting, and smelling what awaits you.
It starts in the mind
Because it’s so much more than what we do with our physical bodies, sex can begin long before we’re even in the same room. Common recommendations include sexting as a way to flirt and create excitement, but how do you sext? What do you say and how? And how can you take it up a notch?
As usual, I’ll bring some clues from the world of BDSM, which can be applied regardless of whether you’re especially kinky or not. Because much more than whips and chains, those deviants tend to be sex-nerds who have mastered the arts of sexual psychology and sensualism.
Orgasm denial | A common game in a power-play scenario, the dominant partner may have been handed permission to decide when their submissive is allowed to orgasm. Some do this with actual chastity devices, while most simply give and follow instructions.
Elements of this can be used in more vanilla settings too. Try suggesting a challenge to your lover where neither of you can orgasm until the next time you plan to have sex—which gets more interesting the longer you have to wait. Or, you can make a request; I’d like it if you didn’t cum until we meet… I want you to save it all just for me!
Pre-date edging | Edging is an amazing way to build tension and intensify orgasm and can be added as an extension of the denial game.
In a scene from the story Brat’s Heart by erotica author Rebecca Ridge, the main character, Eva is asked by her dom to film herself masturbating in a bathroom stall at work in anticipation of their evening date. Right before climax, she has to stop, show her slick fingers to the camera, remove her slips and wear them as a hair elastic for the remainder of the workday. I don’t know about you, but I find that H-O-T!
Try filming or photographing yourself masturbating—almost to orgasm—and send it to your partner. Or, how about sound recording your moans while describing what you’re doing?
Create tag-team erotica via messages | Unsure what to sext about, or feeling awkward getting started? Create a shared fantasy! This is a personal favorite of mine, and I’ve co-written a few stories this way that turned out so hot they’ve been permanently bookmarked in my spank bank. One started with a prompt that went something like this;
We’re in a small cabin in the woods. It’s late and dark apart from a few candles and the flickering fireplace. Scents of burning oak blend with deep cherry notes from a freshly opened bottle of Bardolino. I pour two glasses. You’re just arriving back from fetching firewood, and as the heavy door slams behind you, you notice me, lounging, almost naked on the floor rug… Now, what do you do?
Paint a scenario that works for you and continue back and forth, responding to each other’s moves and adding to the story: Yes, I was hoping you’d do that! That feels so good… or Yes, and then, place your hand on my neck and let it slide, slowly down to… and so on and so forth.
Not only is this a fantastic way to turn each other on, but it’s a clever way to let a lover know more about your likes and dislikes. Whether you’re getting to know someone new or wish to introduce a long-term partner to a new fantasy, you can integrate it into a steamy story rather than sitting them down with a checklist.
Outfit requests | I used to be of the opinion that dressing up for sex was superfluous since we’d end up taking it off anyway. My first dominant partner showed me a different side of the coin when he started making outfit requests before our dates. I can hear some of you going: No way! I wear what I want—no one tells me what to do. Trust me, I’m right there with you. If a date randomly told me to wear heels and a short dress, I’d probably tell him to fuck off…or definitely show up in jeans and sneakers. But, keep in mind that we’re playing here.
After making sure your partner is informed of the game, you could start by suggesting something to wear yourself, sending a flirtatious picture. Ask if they have any wishes for you, or if it’s ok for you to make one for them. Decide together on a theme or use your mutual wishes to hint at what you want to happen later. Keep in mind that not everyone (or most) own extensive sexy-wardrobes, so leave requests open-ended.
Some of my favorite alluding inquiries have involved being asked to wear something trashy that can be ripped apart, telling me to expect a level of roughness. (Also a good reason to keep your slightly broken nylons and slips around a little bit longer.) Recently, I was asked to wear layers because they wanted to slowly peel me, bit by bit… Don’t mind if you do!
There are few limits to how you can build up, and I could go on. Hopefully, these ideas will get your wheels turning…
Holding tension once you meet
After you’ve piqued your appetites to the point of salivation, you might be tempted to jump each other the moment you’re in the same room. Don’t! Resist the urges and wait a little longer…
There are endless ways to make your date more exciting at home before you get to business. Here are some quick suggestions:
Go for the classics | You’re never wrong starting off with light snacks and/or your favorite libation. Oily massages is another tried and true classic, for good reasons: They’re great ways to pay attention to every part of each other’s bodies before getting to more obvious erogenous zones.
Read to each other | This can be the fantasy you wrote together, your favorite erotic story, steamy poetry, or anything else that turns you on. How about getting naked or slowly stripping as you do? Or, take it a step further and touch yourselves during storytime?
Be exhibitionists and voyeurs | Watch or be watched while one or both of you strip, dance, or move for each other. To add a dash of objectification to your game, place or be placed on a pedestal (a piece of furniture) for a slow inspection.
Engage in kinky sensation play | Pull out your ice cubes or (safe) wax candles for a bit of temperature play. Or bring your blindfolds, feather ticklers, wooden spoons, or whatever you have lying around to further tantalize the senses.
Practice a new sexy skill or use toys | Whether you want to learn shibari or another form of bondage, get creative with body paint, take erotic boudoir photos, or experiment with new toys, there are so many ways to be sensual and sexual together and discover each other's bodies—without having penetrative sex.
You want to get to a point where you’re so worked up—so hungry for each other—that you feel as if you’re about to explode with desire. There’s a sensation I refer to as energy-fucking, where you’re already merging spiritually and have yet to catch up physically. If you don't know what I’m talking about, this article is for you.
My favorite ways to arrive at that point include:
Making out for an extended period of time, which sometimes gives me flashbacks to my teen years when sex wasn’t on the table and that was all we did.
Continue by dry humping and rubbing against each other —still without penetrating.
Going really slow—no, even slower—keep your faces close together and breathe in unison. At last, as you’re all naked, slipping and sliding up against each other; then…
wait for it…
a little longer…
another minute…
and, then, FINALLY, you give in!
Did you feel that? Do you see what we just did? Wasn’t that amazing? I told you it would be worth the wait!
Now, I’m not suggesting you do all of these things or do them all the time. Most of us are busy enough that finding time for sex can be challenging enough as it is, let alone making effort to prepare for it. But even if you only apply hints of this, I guarantee it will be worth your efforts. While that In-N-Out Burger is great once in a while, your sexual appetite, just like your hunger in general, deserves better than to be quelled with fast, cheap, and easy! Or, in the words of Oscar Wilde:
If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well. If it is worth having, it is worth waiting for. If it is worth attaining, it is worth fighting for. If it is worth experiencing, it is worth putting aside time for.
