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lly since she blamed ANTIFA for her husband’s penis exposure.</p><div id="8b5a" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/lauren-boebert-claimed-antifa-was-behind-her-husbands-penis-exposure-to-female-minors-832f776359e3"> <div> <div> <h2>Lauren Boebert Claimed ANTIFA Was Behind Her Husband’s Penis Exposure to Female Minors</h2> <div><h3>Flawless logic! She should represent R. Kelly!</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*OVuuk1KzjpIKvU1xpxITxw.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="cd8d">However, citizens slammed Boebert for going zero days without being the state’s embarrassment. Lauren Boebert’s political career is going so sideways that she fondled her date during a public <i>Beetlejuice</i> musical to prepare for her upcoming OnlyFans debut.</p><p id="5ae5">Boebert took to TruthSocial to assuage her followers’ fears.</p><blockquote id="7787"><p><i>“People called me a hypocrite for ‘fighting against pedophilia’, even though I was caught on video giving my date a hand job in front of children. Are you all surprised that I engage in pedophilic actions? I LIKE pedophiles! I was married to one!</i></p></blockquote><blockquote id="ae7a"><p><i>“I don’t know why people think I should be held accountable. I have a criminal record, yet still got elected in office. If anything, I should sue whoever created that video of me groping a date in public. They shared it without my consent. That’s revenge porn!</i></p></blockquote><blockquote id="518c"><p><i>“Regardless, I need to win votes. So I’m sorry that my son Tyler offended you. I will discipline him by jerking him off.</i></p></blockquote><blockquote id="40db"><p><i>“None of you know the stresses my son went through. His parents are divorced. His father is showing up to our house at random hours to engage in violence. His mother is in the news for whoring herself out.</i></p></blockquote><blockquote id="f38a"><p><i>“Tyler went through so much before the birth of his son. What will happen when he becomes a father? Will he raise his son to be a liberal?</i></p></blockquote><blockquote id="5f9c"><p><i>“As his mother, I cannot watch my son go down this dark path. I want to relieve his pain. What better way than to stroke my son’s stick? I’m just recreating his favorite porn genre: stepmother-son.</i></p></blockquote><blockquote id="e0cb"><p><i>“Furthermore, he told me</i></p></blockquote><p id="98d1" type="7">“Beetle my juice!”</p><blockquote id="aa90"><p><i>“I was hesitant to do so the first two times he said it. After he uttered the phrase the third time, I’m now compelled to grope him.”</i></p></blockquote><p id="f027">Lauren Boebert’s incestuous parenting style was heavily praised by HBO executives. They wanted to film this discipline strategy in their new documentary: <i>Game of Thrones</i>.</p><h2 id="4bfc">Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.</h2><p id="dbc4">— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —</p><p id="c0aa">Thanks for reading!</p><p id="b1a4">If you desire black comedy and political humor, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.</p><div id="1813" class="link-block"> <a href="https://elliesalvaje.medium.com/read-this-post-b

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efore-continuing-to-peruse-my-blog-fb2cbf71e2d8"> <div> <div> <h2>ELLIE SALVAJE’S TABLE OF CONTENTS</h2> <div><h3>Read this post before perusing my blog.</h3></div> <div><p>elliesalvaje.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*OyJgmHqksSEL0-d6XXML7Q.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="1966">If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, subscribe to me.</p><div id="2bc6" class="link-block"> <a href="https://elliesalvaje.medium.com/subscribe"> <div> <div> <h2>So you like dark humor and satire, but don’t want to pay the Medium membership fee</h2> <div><h3>No worries, I’ve been broke as well. Please don’t prostitute yourself. Just subscribe to get my emails for free whenever I publish. </h3></div> <div><p>elliesalvaje.medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*Y6gNJR6N4ghVsM0-)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="40d0">Seriously. Please follow me. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.</p><h2 id="46a0">View more pieces from Pitfall</h2><div id="914c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/anti-equality-act-senator-joe-manchin-retires-after-public-labeled-his-non-binary-political-c6485a33153b"> <div> <div> <h2>Anti-Equality Act Senator Joe Manchin Retires After Public Labeled His Non-Binary Political Identity</h2> <div><h3>Government fluid</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*qzWfF7oekJ-SAgEYDLKuyw.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="04d3" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/snl-placates-minority-offended-by-tasteless-hamas-joke-with-sketch-of-a-jew-selling-shower-stalls-32680b55c9a4"> <div> <div> <h2>SNL Placates Minority Offended by “Tasteless Hamas Joke” With Sketch of a Jew Selling Shower Stalls</h2> <div><h3>Mein Kampf-ortable Cleansing</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*fo9ZiBelqCjs2fAID-PUHg.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="69f0" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/donald-trump-blasts-jeffrey-epstein-for-dumping-him-in-favor-of-stephen-hawking-511c278a6f2e"> <div> <div> <h2>Donald Trump Blasts Jeffrey Epstein for Dumping Him in Favor of Stephen Hawking</h2> <div><h3>Mean Girls 2: Electric Boogaloo </h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*k4TQCAcyuuprrvPDyDisog.png)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

POLITICS

Lauren Boebert Vows to Discipline Delinquent Son Tyler Through Jerking Him off

Oedipus Wrecked

“His heart wants what his heart wants,” Lauren Boebert grinned as she placed her hand on son Tyler’s right chest. Picture from People.

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert based her campaign on stopping the liberal pedophiles. Turns out she would forgive them if they were related to her.

Boebert’s eldest son Tyler was arrested on February 27, 2024 for property thefts and car break-ins. In Tyler’s defense, crime is in the Boebert blood.

  • Mother Lauren Boebert was arrested for reckless driving of an unsafe vehicle and for “drunken disorderly conduct” at a country festival.
  • Father Jayson Boebert was charged for exposing his penis to two female minors in a bowling alley, and for attacking Lauren following their divorce.
  • Brothers Brody, Kaydon, and Roman joined Tyler in shooting up a Fox News headquarters.

Rifle Police Department charged Tyler on 22 felony counts, those including crimes in the Colorado 3rd district. And that’s not including the sex tape he made with a minor.

Upon hearing that her son committed felonies in the same district she’s currently representing, Lauren Boebert sighed with relief.

“I switched to run in Colorado’s 4th district after my current term ends, as I have a better chance of staying in Congress. The welfare of the 3rd district is no longer important to me.

“If you want to find someone to blame for these crimes, don’t blame my son Tyler. Blame the Hollywood elite Ryan Reyolds and Barbra Streisand. They donated to Democrat Adam Frisch, even though they don’t live here! Frisch raised almost 4 times more than me that I had to switch districts to even remain in Congress! I had to stop parenting my son in order to outraise my liberal opponents. Thanks, Obama!”

We were not surprised Lauren Boebert blamed the public on her family’s crimes. Especially since she blamed ANTIFA for her husband’s penis exposure.

However, citizens slammed Boebert for going zero days without being the state’s embarrassment. Lauren Boebert’s political career is going so sideways that she fondled her date during a public Beetlejuice musical to prepare for her upcoming OnlyFans debut.

Boebert took to TruthSocial to assuage her followers’ fears.

“People called me a hypocrite for ‘fighting against pedophilia’, even though I was caught on video giving my date a hand job in front of children. Are you all surprised that I engage in pedophilic actions? I LIKE pedophiles! I was married to one!

“I don’t know why people think I should be held accountable. I have a criminal record, yet still got elected in office. If anything, I should sue whoever created that video of me groping a date in public. They shared it without my consent. That’s revenge porn!

“Regardless, I need to win votes. So I’m sorry that my son Tyler offended you. I will discipline him by jerking him off.

“None of you know the stresses my son went through. His parents are divorced. His father is showing up to our house at random hours to engage in violence. His mother is in the news for whoring herself out.

“Tyler went through so much before the birth of his son. What will happen when he becomes a father? Will he raise his son to be a liberal?

“As his mother, I cannot watch my son go down this dark path. I want to relieve his pain. What better way than to stroke my son’s stick? I’m just recreating his favorite porn genre: stepmother-son.

“Furthermore, he told me

“Beetle my juice!”

“I was hesitant to do so the first two times he said it. After he uttered the phrase the third time, I’m now compelled to grope him.”

Lauren Boebert’s incestuous parenting style was heavily praised by HBO executives. They wanted to film this discipline strategy in their new documentary: Game of Thrones.

Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.

— — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — — —

Thanks for reading!

If you desire black comedy and political humor, see my profile’s Table of Contents page.

If you’re a new user on Medium and feel that I’m funny enough to binge all my content in one day, subscribe to me.

Seriously. Please follow me. I desperately need money to pay off my debts to the Yakuza.

View more pieces from Pitfall

Humor
Politics
Satire
Family
Crime
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