We saw, we fucked, we came
Kismet Serendipity and the Shattering Climax of WeFuck®, Inc.
An interview with tech unicorn WeFuck’s visionary founder and Chief Cojones Officer
Chai Venti Magazine conducted an exclusive interview with Kismet Serendipity, founder and Chief Cojones Office of WeFuck, Inc. Following is an amended transcript. For the full interview, connect with our VP of Business Development, Gaye M. Stonk, about Chai Venti’s upcoming mezzanine round.
Chai: Give us the backstory on what happened at WeFuck last week.
Serendipity: We climaxed.
Chai: We were hoping for more detail —
Serendipity: Part of business plan. This was always my vision for WeFuck. Climax is part of business cycle. Not one-and-done. We climax. We climax again. You have spouse? I teach her. She teach you. This is the sexual rhythm of carbon-based life. This is the rhythm of WeFuck.
Chai: Odd metaphor. Your company was scaling the stratosphere. Six straight quarters of accelerating earnings, admission to the Unicorn Club, and you on the cover of Inc. Magazine, dressed like Merlin. Last Tuesday you announced a quarterly loss of 163 million dollars. You fired your CFO, your VP of Sales, three Board members, your personal trainer, and the janitorial service.
Serendipity: Not fired. Ejaculated. We don’t fire people. Legacy paradigm. At WeFuck, we see an opening, go deep, excitement mounts, we reach plateau, boom! Climax. Resolution. Did you know semen consists of over 200 separate proteins? Sometimes ejaculated proteins include corporate officers. Natural process. During resolution, you shrink. Maybe smoke cigarette. Think deep thoughts. Like Albert Camus.
Chai: OK. Why the cleaning service?
Serendipity: Office going through too much toilet paper. Why? Occam’s Razor.
Chai: Isn’t that a little harsh?
Serendipity: You want to be Chief Cojones Officer, got to have cojones.
Chai: 163 million is a lot of money …
Serendipity: Money is frozen yogurt of value. Money is opiate of masses.
Chai: Karl Marx said religion is the opiate of the masses.
Serendipity: Not Karl. Harpo. Not said it. Mimed it. Chico backed him on keyboards. You know Chico? Very funny guy. Real deal, Chico. Not froyo.
Chai: Is that how your investors see the plummeting stock price? Froyo?
Serendipity: Investors? Crab lice of evolution. No narrative arc. Brunelleschi rebuilt Basilica of San Lorenzo. Brunelleschi didn’t have investors. Bruno had patrons. RadioShack has investors. Family Dollar has investors. WeFuck has patrons. WeFuck patrons. Yes?
Chai: Apparently. What is WeFuck’s mission?
Serendipity: You have to work hard to get your thinking clean to make it simple. Everyone knows Steve Jobs said that. Did you know he got that from Herbert Marcuse? Marcuse got it from Neitzsche, he got it from Epictetus. Where did Romans get it? From Tao Te Ching. All about the yin. All about the yang. You grok? It’s all about the dialectic tension, yes?
Chai: Err, not really …
Serendipity: Will dumb it down for you. We create environments where people — also some advanced primates, mainly bonobos — come. Together. Come together, yes? WeFuck. Simple. Brilliant.
Chai: Isn’t WeFuck just an ersatz version of the tired WeWork trope? WeFuck’s mission sounds like it was lifted off the WeWork website.
Serendipity: WeWork? What is WeWork? Hardware store? Sells what — turpentine?
Chai: Oh, come now. Umm, so to speak. WeWork? Adam Neumann?
Serendipity: Adam Neumann? Guy from Mad Magazine, looks like cross between Urkel and Howdy Doody?
Chai: Let’s segue to your personal story. Why did you change your name from Delbert Booch to Kismet Serendipity?
Serendipity: Venture capitalists don’t sit down over Lecompte Calvados Pays d’Auge and shape human destiny with Delbert Booch. Don’t even like my TikToks. I change name, now we glamp together at Burning Man, they cook the chili even.
Chai: OK, but why Kismet Serendipity?
Serendipity: Court rejected #CelestialPolymath.
Chai: You also changed your middle name from Bodett to 💭? Is that even a name — 💭?
Serendipity: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.
Chai: Do we detect a Russian accent? You sound exactly like Adam Neumann. Were you not born and raised in a small town 28 miles southwest of Booneville, Arkansas?
Serendipity: Sure. Arkansas two fjords east of Murmansk. You know where names comes from, right? Arkady Sasnikov, powerful boyar, BFFs with Nicholas I. Arkansas so beautiful, Americans took name. Bet you never learned that in so-called American school system. Why you think suburban moms pay through nose for Russian math lessons? Booneville very nice village if you like glaciers, frozen turnips. Not really village per se. More like mud-daubed huts clustered around central campfire fed by walrus blubber.
Chai: Given the turmoil you’re emerging from, what do you envision for the future of your company?
Serendipity: Come again.
Chai: We asked, given the turmoil you’re emerging from, what do you envision for the future of your company?
Serendipity: What’s wrong, you got Comcast or something? I said come again.
Chai: WE. ASKED. YOU. … Oh. Well, we wish you serendipitous kismet, Kismet Serendipity. We don’t give business advice, but given the Supreme Court’s trajectory, maybe invest in a decent condom.
Thank you Betsy Denson for helping this article reach its climax.
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