YELP WHELPS HELP
Rating Tucumcari Honeys and East Flatbush Asshats
Yelp Adds People Reviews!
Last week, Yelp announced it was adding reviews of people, in addition to their reviews of hotels, restaurants, and whatnot. Since I cover tech, Yelp invited me to kick the tires on their beta site.
To ease into things, I tossed up a softball, searching for “assholes” near my apartment in Brooklyn. Yelp didn’t disappoint, producing a list of 361 assholes, all within walking distance. I liked this one.
Jake Morrow *****
Having discovered on Yelp what a raging asshole Jake Morrow is, we gave him a call. From his abrasive mansplaining, phlegm-clearing hacks, and dismissive obscenities, we knew Jake was the real thing.
When he swaggered up later in person with his greasy mullet, Garcia Y Vega cigarillo, mustard-stained muscle shirt and scuffed Doc Martens, we knew he was a thoroughbred prick. Within minutes, he insulted my crippled mother, ridiculed my wife’s Indian accent, and ripped my nine year old’s autographed Shohei Ohtani card. Five star asshole! — Nick J., 5/7/21
As with restaurants, Yelp offers categories to refine the search, allowing you to pick from “Idiots”, “Jackasses”, “Pricks”, and “Wankers”.
Mixing it up, I also searched in Stowe, Vermont, which turned up only one asshole in a 20 mile radius.
Harland Willis *
What a disappointment! Harland was cordial, helpful, and actually walked my aging parents across the street. Singing! The best he could do was tell a few cheesy knock knock jokes, which seems to be about as close to an asshole as you’re going to find in Vermont. — Phil S., 4/9/21
A spokesperson told me the network effect, expected when people reviews are fully released, would improve the AY, or “Asshole Yield”. “We need more reviews in The Green Mountain State, where bonafide assholes are hard to find. We’re talking to a bunch of New Yorkers, see if we can comp them to move. We can’t count on Bernie Sanders to shoulder this load.”
I decided to push Yelp’s boundaries with rigorous search criteria, looking for MTEFLGBPs, Married Transgender Episcopalian Filipino Libertarian Gynecologist Banjo Players in greater Chicago. Surprisingly, I found 147. Two reviews jumped out.
Apple Reyes ****
Almost gave Apple Reyes, a MTFLGBP, five stars. But as she recently converted from Episcopalian to the Temple of the Jedi Order, I went with four. Also, she plays a three-string LicketySplit, which frankly is a piece of crap.— Barack O., 7/1/21
Jake Morrow *
What up, Yelp? Jake Morrow is some asswipe from East Flatbush. Also, since his felony conviction, he lost his medical license and gynecology practice. He sells polar burgers at Citi Field. Fix your damn algorithm! — Queen L., 5/2/21
Zooming way out, I tried “boyfriends” in Tucumcari, expecting a bumper crop given the broad filter. Yelp delivered. These looked juicy.
Raymond Thurston LeBeaux *****
RayRay is such a honey. Roses and champagne for our four-week anniversary. He’s the one! — Ariana G., 5/9/21
Raymond Thurston LeBeaux *
What a loser. Chews with mouth open, makes fart noises with his armpit, and just plain farts like a cornet. Good luck Kathy L., you’ll need it! P.S., Enjoy the nose hair, it grows like kudzu. — Ariana G., 7/15/21
An interesting way to use the new feature is to search on a name, any name really, and see what turns up. My search for “Seymour Butts”, reknowned author of “Under the Grandstand”, hit pay dirt.
“Two stars. He looks more like a Beauregard or a Guillermo than a Seymour.”
“I stopped using ‘Seymour’ years ago. People now call me ‘El Hombre Magnifico’. Fix your database.”
“Five stars. Seymour Butts is a standup guy. Smart, friendly, generous. They just don’t make ’em like Sy Butts anymore!”
“Check bounced, Sy. Should have known any paper from you would be rubber. You want me to pump you on Yelp, cash only Mr. Big Spender.”
To stress test the system, I tried “Rudy Guiliani”. Yelp assures me by tripling the server burst limit, they can prevent the system outage my search triggered. Translation: apparently a truckload of people have weighed in on The Rudester.
I asked Yelp if they could give me Guiliani’s average rating. Turns out they don’t have the horsepower to go out that many decimal places, but estimate it’s around three femtostars. A neutron has a mean square radius of .8 femtometers. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is “yes”.
Last stop was my own name. Won’t bore you with details, but the result was kind of a bummer, actually. Not femtos, but still. Are people still miffed about those drunken tweets last summer comparing myself to Cormac McCarthy? I was joking! Ish.
Anyway. Got a Yelp account? Want to make a little pin money under the table?
Message me. Bitcoin or Venmo, no checks.