YIDDISH FOR THE NON-SKITTISH

Gangsta Yiddish Urban Dictionary for Chronic Cyberputzers

Bleating Yeetish from your punim to your pupik

Gangsta Yiddish. Linguists say it’s trending. Yiddish is seeping into urban culture as people get comfortable calling a farkakte spade a farkakte spade.

Here are the top terms you’ll hear on the street.

Bitchschlep — Lug stuff around for someone who treats you like dirt. First you ask me to bitchschlep the Manischewitz to the Rosenmensches. Now I’m supposed to fetch you potato kugel? What are you, my rabbi?

Bupkescoin — A worthless cryptocurrency scam. Believe you me Shlomo, by Pesach that bupkescoin won’t be worth a bowl of chickpeas. Feh.

Chutzpalls — Bold, brash, audacious. Check out that alta cocker with the moobs, the one sporting the slingshot bikini. What chutzpalls! The farkakte putz! Be a mensch and beer me?

Cock block schlock — A shoddy, lame attempt to prevent someone from engaging in sexual activity. Moshe got salty when he saw his ex leaving the party with this big macher from Carnegie Deli, so he launches into this cock block schlock about he’s all in on some bupkescoin and now he’s buying a Lambo. Chutzpalls, nu?

Cyberputzing — Using your employer’s Internet connection for personal email and web-surfing during work hours. My boss got so pissed! “Lipshitz!” he says, “stop already with the cyberputzing and tuck in that furshlugginer jersey!”

Gonif with the wind — a chronically flatulent and dishonest person. You can’t trust that accountant Larry Levinson, he’s a gonif with the wind. He’ll lie to your face and then stalk off in a trail of crop dusting!

Meshugeleh — A lovable crazy person. Oy, that Miley Cyrus, did you see the YouTube of her twerking at the MTV VMAs? Such a meshugeleh. And that tuchus! Like a baby’s punim!

Plotzes — A form of exercise that emphasizes alignment, breathing, and developing a strong core by bursting with strong emotion. Rachel’s a drama queen so those Plotzes classes suit her, and now she’s a total Brooke. Another nip of slivovitz?

Punim, pupik — Face and belly button, respectively. When used in combination, conveys serious physical injury. “He’s such a shlekt-tuchus. He hit that shlemiel so hard, you couldn’t tell his punim from his pupik!”

Schticktroll — Someone who is legendary for harassing others by rickrolling them. Nu? Didn’t I tell you not to click that? The gonif who sent you that is a total schticktroll.

Shlekht-Tuchus — A seriously badass badass. Ving Rhames was awesome in Pulp Fiction. That dude scares the drek out of me. Such a shlekht-tuchus!

Soy goy beta cuck — A vegan, de-masculinized, beta male who’s also a cuckold. Typically Unitarian, could be a Buddhist, definitely not Jewish. Justin Trudeau, what’s with the socks? You’re the CEO of Canada, why dress like a soy goy beta cuck? Schmendrick.

Yeetish — The habit of speaking Yiddish when intensely surprised or excited. So Naomi was at this party when she found out she got into NYU. She bursts into Yeetish, calling everyone “Schmuck! Gonif! Hey you, Mamzer!” Zero chill IMHO. Be a mensch and beer me? We’re out of Slivovitz.

Zaydeh out — Zaydeh means “grandfather” and this phrase is his way of ending a conversation. Every time I ask my grandfather about his waste management business and why Uncle Heshie just disappeared, he turns on the television and says “Zaydeh out.”

Gotta book, my boss is giving me the kinahora. Busted again for cyberputzing. Writer out.

But wait, there’s more! Here’s Part Two.