FEH!

An Open Letter to the Cybersquatting Gonif with the Chutzpalls to Shill Bupkescoin on my Response Page

With a title like that, who needs a subtitle, nu?

Dear Cybersquatting Gonif with the Chutzpalls to Shill Bupkescoin on my Response Page (hereafter referred to as Jill the Shill),

It started with Yiddish. Gangsta Yiddish. You don’t see much Yiddish on Medium. You don’t see Gangsta Yiddish anywhere. Maybe because I made it up.

So being a meshugeleh, I posted the following piece. (Yes, meshugeleh. Read the article.)

That night, cyberputzing at my leisure … ok, it was 4 AM and I was answering a call of duty … I noticed some post responses. A hat trick!

See them in the photo above? Exactly the comments I prayed for!

Crypto investment companies. So many! Like Cheerios, right? Which do I want in my bowl? There’s Honey Nut, Frosted, Chocolate, Pumpkin Spice, Meat Lovers, Nacho Cheese, Liver ‘n Onions … but everyone knows that at twelve enamel-hackin’ grams of sugar, Honey Nut is the pick of the litter.

A good samaritan passed me priceless information. Free of charge! And repeated it twice. In case I suffer from acute short-term memory loss. Also, in case I suffer from acute short-term memory loss.

Profitmodule.net is the Honey Nut Cheerios of the crypto space. Here’s their website. Note the understated buttoned-down gravitas you see at a JPMorgan Chase or Goldman Sachs.

• Three other people are on their website right now. Feel the buzz? Was this site highlighted in Motley Fool?
• Yes, it is widely known that 90% of crypto traders lose money. Why, my pharmacist and I were chatting about it this morning! Of course it would be unthinkable to go long and buy a Bitcoin seven years ago for $337.31 and earn 18,472.55%. Not when there’s profitmodule.net!
• I can earn up to 60% after just three days! Well shut my mouth and call it Sunday! Where the heck do I sign up?

But wait! Is this a real registered company? Why yes!

But back to our heroine, Jill the Shill. Out of altruism, pure as an icy mountain stream, Jill answered the call to serve. This … can I say angel? This angel took time out of her busy day not only to help me get wealthy, but also the three other readers who check out responses to my posts.

OK, two readers. My mother bailed. Says the font’s too small.

And then it caught my eye. The query string. You know what a query string is, right? Remember, there’s no such thing as a stupid question. Well, except “what’s a query string?” That’s a shockingly stupid question.

A query string … and this is not for you, it’s for some cretin who’s reading this but definitely not you … is the string of characters in a URL that follow the question mark. Actually there is another stupid question. “What’s a URL?”

Browsers use a query string to pass information, called parameters, to the website. You don’t need to know what a parameter is. You just need to know it contains things like your social security number or a list of your sexual fetishes.

But this query string passed a referral (ref=)! And just after that equal sign, underneath the opaque rectangle I obscured it with, is Jill the Shill’s identifier!

So when I sign up for this crypto service, Jill the Shill pockets a kickback?

After deep meditation focused on forgiveness and acceptance, I surrendered to a more compassionate reaction.

I just feel so … used.

Here I’ve got this priceless screen real estate. Like I’ve got three billboards outside of … oh, I don’t know … let’s say Ebbing, Missouri. And I could rent these billboards out for a hefty $4.35 a month. And then I drive by one morning, and someone has papered them over with ads for MyPillow.com or Chick-fil-A.

Who would have the … the … the chutzpalls to do such a thing?

Jill. She’s a shill.

What happened to us, Jill? You were sweet. I let myself be vulnerable, just like the self-help book aimed at middle aged men and bought with the hard-won $69.95 from my trust fund instructs. And all I ever was to you? A referral code.

You’re a gonif with the wind, and even though a web browser provides no olfactory output, I am nevertheless certain that you crop dusted all the way to the bank.

I had to put this behind me. So I pressed the Hide gizmo which Medium provides for unrequited lovers. And now you’re gone forever.

But I’ve still got the empty cyber real estate, and it’s haunting me.

You know the saying about shooting the horse after you fall off? I’m posting this on my Response page.

Of all the blog posts on all the cloud platforms in all the world including WordPress, she spams mine. And probably several hundred others.

But still, I hope you sign up for Coinbase Jill. Because if you don’t, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon. And for the rest of your life.

Here’s looking at you, kid. And remember. We’ll always have profitmodule.net.

Sincerely,

Just another spam victim

An open letter that’s admittedly motherhood and apple pi, but great with ice cream.