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Abstract

Ignoring incompatibility costs us. If we can accept that we’re all on different journeys, it might lessen the sting of rejections that come because we want different things.</p><p id="a505">But we’re also on personal growth journeys. We’re not all at the same level of maturity and healing. That’s an equally compelling reason to part.</p><h1 id="f2f7">It’s Chance</h1><p id="c7db">Let’s be real for a second here: Someone can look great on paper. They have the looks, the personality, and all the qualities we want to check off our lists. Yet, there may be no spark or attraction when we meet. Sure, it might develop, but it might not. So much of relationships involve taking a chance. We could meet someone and feel no desire to see them again, or we could meet the love of our lives. We’re not going to know sitting at home guarding our hearts.</p><p id="f0bd">We can’t anticipate in advance how we’ll feel when we meet someone. So many people bring heavy expectations to a first date. They arrive and think the other person is just supposed to fall head over heels for them. It is disappointing when we like someone who just doesn’t feel the same way, but we should want partners who reciprocate our feelings and attraction. We shouldn’t want people to give us a chance when they aren’t feeling it and would rather be anywhere else. Why would we do that to ourselves — and what does that say about our self-worth if we can answer that with a reason?</p><h1 id="0808">It’s Maturity and Growth</h1><p id="d785">I can honestly say that I did not date well before I addressed my history of trauma. I had far too much baggage, and I didn’t realize quite how much it impacted the way I perceived others — or the way I interacted with them. In some ways, it was an issue of growth, but in others, it was truly about maturity.</p><p id="8e2d">Some people have complaints about dating and yet are unable to take responsibility for the way they choose to date. Rejection isn’t a character judgment. It just means someone wasn’t right for us, and they’ve freed us up to move on to someone who might be. I won’t go so far as to call it doing us a favor — it does hurt, after all — but it’s a positive thing when someone walks away from us because they know we’re not what they’re looking for in life. It saves us a lot of heartache when they’re honest with themselves. But can we be honest with ourselves?</p><p id="116e">Most of my relationship failures came from ignoring red flags or abandoning myself. Usually, it was a little of both. I had to own my role in my dating misadventures before I could begin to have positive experiences. I had to see that some areas of my dating life needed closer examination. I needed to look at the kind of people I was dating, the red flags I had been ignoring, and the truth about what I wanted from a relationship. I had to call myself on my bullshit before things got better.</p><p id="88ce">If we bypass multiple red flags to secure a relationship, we can’t blame the other person when they turn out to be exactly who they were all along. If we self-abandon to make a relationship fit, we’re not justified in complaining when the fit doesn’t hold, and the relationship breaks into pieces. At a certain point, we need to be honest with ourselves about how we’re dating — and even how we’re treating partners in relationships. Until we look closely at our involvement, nothing is going to get better.</p><h1 id="b899">It’s Time to Grow Up</h1><p id="dd17">Look, we all have moments of immaturity, but eventually, we need to grow up. We can feel sorry for ourselves, or we can choose to see that dating is often a matter of timing. We can’t force the right person to come

Options

along at the right time. We can’t make the wrong person right. We can’t make ourselves the right person for someone wrong for us. We’re trying to control dating, but we can’t. We can only show up as who we are, treat other people with kindness and respect, and evaluate if the people we meet are truly a good match.</p><p id="5d79">Rejection hurts. I once went round and round in my head trying to figure out why someone didn’t want me. I couldn’t figure it out. We made sense. Why couldn’t he see it? But then — I grew up. I realized that someone could feel right to me, and at the same time, I could feel wrong for them. It happens. It’s not my favorite experience, but I can now see that it has nothing whatsoever to do with us and everything to do with what the other person is looking for in a romantic relationship.</p><p id="bd41">Even with a disorder that causes heightened rejection sensitivity, I’ve learned to manage my feelings around rejection. I know that when someone says we’re not a good match, we’re not. I don’t try to argue the point or persuade them to consider me. I respect their choice, and I even appreciate it. After all, I’ve been in enough wrong relationships to know that there are worse things than going our separate ways in the early stages of getting to know each other. I always feel a little like I dodged a bullet if the match wasn’t good for both of us.</p><p id="4b51">Growing up often involves growing pains. It’s uncomfortable to be rejected, but we can ease the experience by practicing acceptance paired with kindness. We’re allowed to be disappointed, but it’s not okay to lash out at the other person because of it. Hopefully, we’ll get to the point where rejection doesn’t hurt quite as much. We can wish the other person well — and mean it, too.</p><div id="373f" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/9-powerful-lessons-i-learned-from-toxic-and-problematic-relationships-5702fc52d7a8"> <div> <div> <h2>9 Powerful Lessons I Learned from Toxic and Problematic Relationships</h2> <div><h3>Here’s hoping you learn these lessons easier than I did.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*KGercat_SJAPvpTG)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="e594" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/what-if-the-one-isnt-just-one-person-c9ce149c4d31"> <div> <div> <h2>What If “The One” Isn’t Just One Person?</h2> <div><h3>Maybe This is the True Love of Your Life.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*EH50WhUPq9_DOSW4)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><div id="eb62" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/9-deceptive-dating-behaviors-that-self-sabotage-your-love-life-4c1885192550"> <div> <div> <h2>9 Deceptive Dating Behaviors That Self-Sabotage Your Love Life</h2> <div><h3>This is why we can’t have nice things.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*kQiB_07I-ph20Lzz)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

It’s Time to Grow Up When It Comes to Romantic Rejection

The hard truth you might need to hear.

It happens to all of us at some point. We’re interested, but the other person isn’t. It stings. If low self-esteem is a factor, it might feel like a crushing blow to the ego — further proof that we are not desirable or worthy of a relationship. That train of thought goes on a downward track, and it’s a major turnoff to those of us who have already grown up and realized that rejection isn’t personal.

Before I go any further, I should state that rejection sensitivity is real. Many neurodiverse individuals experience heightened emotions around the experience of rejection. It’s also a feature of premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or PMDD. Those with rejection sensitivity may have to do a little more work when it comes to processing the experience of rejection without spiraling out of control.

The truth is that rejection isn’t personal. It feels personal because we didn’t get what we wanted. The outcome we desired didn’t come to fruition. But we can choose to accept it and feel our feelings about it, or we can choose to revert to early childhood and have the adult equivalent of a tantrum. That sounds outlandish, but full-grown adults do it all the time. Let’s break that down further.

One adult accuses the other of using them for a free meal when their romantic overtures don’t lead to future dates or physical intimacy.
One adult accuses the other of being a narcissist simply because their feelings are hurt by the rejection.
An adult complains at length about there being no good partners in the world because they haven’t met a good match.
An adult resorts to name-calling and abuse because the other person doesn’t want to continue talking to or dating them.
An adult creates a completely negative dating profile as a backlash from all the previous potential dates who “wronged” them. It might look like a profile that says, “If you just want to be pen pals, don’t bother,” or “I’m not looking for freeloaders.”

These are just a few examples, and if I’m honest, I’ve been guilty of a few of them over the years. It’s easy to fall into blame when we’re sifting through the personal embarrassment of having put ourselves out there only to be disappointed. It’s easier to make it about the other person than to take a closer look at the reality of the situation.

So, what is the reality then? If it’s not personal, what the hell is it?

It’s a Journey

We’re all on life journeys, but we’re not all taking the same path. Some people aren’t going to be compatible with us. We can have great chemistry and strong attraction. We might even get along perfectly well only to discover they want a condo in the city, and we’re planning a duck farm in a rural outpost. It happens. It doesn’t always happen that dramatically, but the truth is that some people just aren’t a good match because they aren’t going down the same road we’ve chosen.

In the past, I would self-abandon — leaving my path for theirs. That never worked out. It never felt right, and I always ended up having to either circle back or forge a new path back to my own. Ignoring incompatibility costs us. If we can accept that we’re all on different journeys, it might lessen the sting of rejections that come because we want different things.

But we’re also on personal growth journeys. We’re not all at the same level of maturity and healing. That’s an equally compelling reason to part.

It’s Chance

Let’s be real for a second here: Someone can look great on paper. They have the looks, the personality, and all the qualities we want to check off our lists. Yet, there may be no spark or attraction when we meet. Sure, it might develop, but it might not. So much of relationships involve taking a chance. We could meet someone and feel no desire to see them again, or we could meet the love of our lives. We’re not going to know sitting at home guarding our hearts.

We can’t anticipate in advance how we’ll feel when we meet someone. So many people bring heavy expectations to a first date. They arrive and think the other person is just supposed to fall head over heels for them. It is disappointing when we like someone who just doesn’t feel the same way, but we should want partners who reciprocate our feelings and attraction. We shouldn’t want people to give us a chance when they aren’t feeling it and would rather be anywhere else. Why would we do that to ourselves — and what does that say about our self-worth if we can answer that with a reason?

It’s Maturity and Growth

I can honestly say that I did not date well before I addressed my history of trauma. I had far too much baggage, and I didn’t realize quite how much it impacted the way I perceived others — or the way I interacted with them. In some ways, it was an issue of growth, but in others, it was truly about maturity.

Some people have complaints about dating and yet are unable to take responsibility for the way they choose to date. Rejection isn’t a character judgment. It just means someone wasn’t right for us, and they’ve freed us up to move on to someone who might be. I won’t go so far as to call it doing us a favor — it does hurt, after all — but it’s a positive thing when someone walks away from us because they know we’re not what they’re looking for in life. It saves us a lot of heartache when they’re honest with themselves. But can we be honest with ourselves?

Most of my relationship failures came from ignoring red flags or abandoning myself. Usually, it was a little of both. I had to own my role in my dating misadventures before I could begin to have positive experiences. I had to see that some areas of my dating life needed closer examination. I needed to look at the kind of people I was dating, the red flags I had been ignoring, and the truth about what I wanted from a relationship. I had to call myself on my bullshit before things got better.

If we bypass multiple red flags to secure a relationship, we can’t blame the other person when they turn out to be exactly who they were all along. If we self-abandon to make a relationship fit, we’re not justified in complaining when the fit doesn’t hold, and the relationship breaks into pieces. At a certain point, we need to be honest with ourselves about how we’re dating — and even how we’re treating partners in relationships. Until we look closely at our involvement, nothing is going to get better.

It’s Time to Grow Up

Look, we all have moments of immaturity, but eventually, we need to grow up. We can feel sorry for ourselves, or we can choose to see that dating is often a matter of timing. We can’t force the right person to come along at the right time. We can’t make the wrong person right. We can’t make ourselves the right person for someone wrong for us. We’re trying to control dating, but we can’t. We can only show up as who we are, treat other people with kindness and respect, and evaluate if the people we meet are truly a good match.

Rejection hurts. I once went round and round in my head trying to figure out why someone didn’t want me. I couldn’t figure it out. We made sense. Why couldn’t he see it? But then — I grew up. I realized that someone could feel right to me, and at the same time, I could feel wrong for them. It happens. It’s not my favorite experience, but I can now see that it has nothing whatsoever to do with us and everything to do with what the other person is looking for in a romantic relationship.

Even with a disorder that causes heightened rejection sensitivity, I’ve learned to manage my feelings around rejection. I know that when someone says we’re not a good match, we’re not. I don’t try to argue the point or persuade them to consider me. I respect their choice, and I even appreciate it. After all, I’ve been in enough wrong relationships to know that there are worse things than going our separate ways in the early stages of getting to know each other. I always feel a little like I dodged a bullet if the match wasn’t good for both of us.

Growing up often involves growing pains. It’s uncomfortable to be rejected, but we can ease the experience by practicing acceptance paired with kindness. We’re allowed to be disappointed, but it’s not okay to lash out at the other person because of it. Hopefully, we’ll get to the point where rejection doesn’t hurt quite as much. We can wish the other person well — and mean it, too.